Monday, August 15, 2011

anxiety

i’ve been feeling really anxious lately and i don’t know why. i’ve been off medication for about a year now. i’ve had my ups and downs for sure but, on the whole, i’ve been doing okay. i know that’s because i was on a schedule. my life turns upside down (when it comes to sleeping, i mean that literally) when i don’t follow a routine. i finished working full-time on june 30th. right away, we went on our mini-holiday to montreal. (check out my video i posted on youtube of me getting a hug from rivers cuomo!) in mid-july, we also went to visit jay’s family in edmonton for 10 days too. other than those 2 trips and the few days i’ve been working (occasional wednesdays to help out with field trips), summer has been a complete disaster. i started with such high hopes and aspirations. i wanted to work out and do a lot of cleaning. i wanted to get things done! working out? nothing… i spent one day cleaning and, surprisingly, got quite a bit done but that was it for that too. this wednesday is officially my last day at work. then i have absolutely nothing stopping me from my destructive behaviour for the rest of the summer. (ugh, i have to write a thank-you letter to my boss by then too!)
just how bad is it? for example, as you might have read in the past few posts, i didn’t sleep at all friday night. i woke up at 4pm on friday and stayed up for more than 24 hours. i felt shaky and my eyes felt like they were on fire. i finally crashed on the couch around 6 or 6:30, i think, but woke up around 9:30 or 10 to hang out with jay for a bit before we went up to bed at about 1am. so, that was saturday. i spent all that time at the kitchen table “playing” with blogs. i really did just sit there barely moving for, like, 22 hours. i got up to make tea and to pee. today is sunday, right? well, it’s almost 4am so i guess it’s monday now. i woke up today at 1:30 when tay called and i talked to him for half an hour. i didn’t get out of bed. i had such a headache I went back to sleep. (oh yeah, there was a thunderstorm so i told jay to come up and we’d have a little snuggle until he had to get ready for work.) when jay left for work, i woke up to say bye and then stayed asleep until 8pm. when i finally came downstairs, i sat down on the couch. aside from putting away the dishes from the dishwasher and doing one load of laundry, i haven’t much moved from this spot. who knows when i’ll get up and go back to bed. jay will be pretty mad or at least disappointed if it isn’t soon. that’s pretty much typical of how the summer has been.
but this anxiety thing, like i mentioned, is bothering me. i feel like i have a lot of things i need to be doing. but when i’m in bed, i think to myself that i really have no reason to get up because i’ll just be sitting on the couch doing nothing which is not very appealing either. even now, i could be doing things i want to get done but i’m not. i use the excuse that jay is trying to sleep so i shouldn’t make noise and disturb him. but it’s just that~ if i was cleaning or something, he wouldn’t care. so, when i do finally go to bed, i can’t sleep. of course cause i slept too much already. but even when i’m tired and want to sleep, i toss and turn because i get these anxious feelings that jerk me awake and make my stomach hurt. lately it’s been about not writing an complaint email to j-list for owing me items from two orders from over 6 months ago. i’ve been putting it off for that long and now i feel sick about it. it’s gone beyond that nagging feeling. it’s little things like that that are bothering me. nothing important.
summer is almost over. i really only have around 15-20 days left. 3 of those, i have to do stuff for school. go to 2 orientation things and go to install something on my laptop. gotta get my student card one of those days too. (these things are also causing me anxiety.)
i know it’ll be a good thing for me to be in school ~ have a routine again. but i’m worried. my track record for school is not the greatest. especially when it comes to ece. plus, it’s more like a high school routine rather than in university when i had a class here and there. if it’s anything like when i took it in winnipeg, i’ll be there all day every day from like 8 to 3 or something. and then i’ll have placements too. ugh. i don’t think the work will be difficult (it wasn’t the first time) but i have a habit of not doing it regardless. i know it sounds like i’m defeating myself before i even start. i don’t want to think that way. especially when i know what i do about the law of attraction! i want to be excited about “this new stage in my life” as jay put it.

i had 2 fortune cookies recently and they were both similar in their messages. i didn’t keep them so i don’t remember the exact wording but on said something like “you are capable of accomplishing great things when you put your mind to it” and the other… oh, i can’t remember but something about how i can work really hard. i’ve always thought of myself as someone who puts in the bare minimum work and just goes with the flow. that isn’t a good way to be! i want to change that. maybe i should have kept the fortunes… 

Saturday, August 13, 2011

my NEXT next tattoo

i thought i should update my previous post about my tattoos. i did actually get that tattoo i mentioned and in the exact manner i described.
                                
i did it again spontaneously. it happened almost the same way the first one did. at the same place too. yonge street tattoos in toronto. it was just over a year ago. i was downtown with a friend (different friend this time though) and we walked past and i said i wanted to go in to ask how much it would cost for that approximate tat. turned out i would just get it done right then and there. it was kind of dumb that i did it that way though because i obviously didn't have a reference material with me. so it's in my own writing. but, in a way, that's kind of cool. it has a few "glitches" in it which i meant to go get touched up but as i said, it's been over a year now.
even though i really thought out the placement and everything, i still think this one ended up a little lower than i'd like. oh well~ it's still pretty cool, i think!

i already have my next planned out! if you know anything about me, you know i'm a huge weezer fan ~ so what better than the flying w?!


if not just the =w=, then i would combine it somehow with this little guy from the pinkerton cover (and famous woodblock print "kambara yoru no yuki" by hiroshige) to add a little originality. or maybe the 2 separately? who knows. i do know i want the =w= on my inner wrist but i was thinking the guy could go on my ankle or something. more planning neccessary.


another idea i had was getting the torii on my ankle. just a small one, only like an inch square. every tattoo means something or marks some milestone, right? so this would be my reward for finally going to japan~

hubby actually took this picture.
it's before the entrance to fushimi inari taisha.
i mentioned in the other post that i was thinking about getting the kanji for loyalty as a tramp stamp. i think i've got enough kanji for now! i used to be a big fan of miami ink and chris garver's work. i thought it would be awesome if jay and i could take a trip down there and get him to do an artful piece for me. i like the symbolism of the lotus. you know~ beauty growing out of crap. i thought i would like a realistic style lotus with a stem with a greenish black quagmire (i mean cess pool... idk if quagmire is the right word... i just thought it would be my only opportunity to use it in a sentence!) swirling around the stem. but, i promised myself i would rise above my shortcomings before doing it. or else the symbolism is lost. it'll be my reward. i'm almost there~

                                            

lack of sleep makes you do weird things

i never went to bed last night. of course, i didn't wake up until around 4pm yesterday so it's not like i'm exhausted but the human body (at least the over-30 body) was not made for being awake during the dark hours and stay awake throughout the next day. it's 11:35am right now. i'm on my second cup (GIANT cup) of tea and i have the "i-haven't-slept-yet" shakes. my mental functions might be a little whack too ~but i can't tell since i'm not objective.
so, what does one do while they're up all night? find their old waste-of-cyberspace blogs and read the old posts. apparently, i had a live journal account that i actually wrote in. i completely forgot about it. now that i think of it, i can't even remember how i got there tonight... i couldn't remember my username either and the email linked to it is no longer. eventually, i figured it out. i am and have always been a creature of habit so there are really only half a dozen names it could have been. the password was the easy part.
it's actually a culmination of several pre-blog era blogs. online journals, as they were called. i had many accounts on several sites that no longer exist. i had a bebo account, hi5 (does that still exist?), asianavenue, etc. there also used to be this msn community thing. long before i had my geocities website (god, i miss that!), i made this community. it was actually pretty cool. well, i didn't make it. it was a template that you just filled out basic stuff. not even as complex as geocities. but i made good use of it! i seem to remember they sent out a warning that they were going to shut it down, just like geocities did so i copied all the postings i and my "members" had made and added them to my live journal account by back dating them. i did that with the other accounts too just so everything would be all in one place.
i'm thinking that i would like to do the same here. i mean, move all the stuff from live journal to here. i don't use it anyway (except i did today ~ just for fun).
well, if you see any entries older than april 19, 2005, that's what i did. ...i wonder if you can backdate that far?


Current Location: same place i've been for the past 12 hours
Current Mood: twitchy
Current Music: still weezer

celebrity crush

is it possible to love someone you have never met? i don't mean someone you just haven't met in person like online dating or something. i mean a person you've never connected with personally. as in a celebrity. is it possible to really love someone you don't really know?
an actor? probably not, right? because you rarely see them being themselves.
but what about a musician? listening to someone's words they wrote themselves in their own voice, you really feel like you get to know them. but how much of it is truth? how much of what is in what they say really how they feel and not just a fabrication or persona? i wonder if it's really possible...

sometimes the words you sing and the way you sing them make me feel i understand a little something about you ~ and i really like what i feel. i think we're a lot the same. when i feel loving towards you that way, i can almost love myself then too.