Thursday, October 22, 2015

i moved

no, not really.

but i'm not posting on this blog anymore. not that anyone other than brina and geena ever read anything, but just in case you do want to read my words, i'm still posting on my wordpress account and am slowly moving everything from here over there, as well as the posts on all my other blogs as well.

head over there and hit that follow button if you want to be emailed every time something new goes up.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Lost and Found

a playlist by kmah88~  

awhile ago (probably like 6 months or more), a few friends and i were talking about music and playlists and how they affect our emotions and blah blah blah. this was when i was on my whole oprah kick and inspiration and all that crap was one of my main focuses. i took on the personal challenge of making a playlist that summed up how i feel about life and where i am, spiritually speaking. at first, it was just going to be a list of "inspirational music" - that stuff that pumps you up when you need a kick, but as with most things, it turned into a more self-reflective thing. (i did actually make that playlist too, but it's only narrowed down to 121 songs atm.)
i was speaking to another friend the other day and was saying how i think a lot of people think i'm still where i was a few years ago. truth is, i feel like i've grown a little (even though just saying that makes me feel like i have a lot of maturing left to do) and "i'm okay". 
i've battled depression for many years and all the dark thoughts that come along with that, and even with the bad days that are still in abundance, i feel like i'm much better equipped at dealing with them and have learned a little about how to appreciate good things in life. i have even experienced momentary feelings of actual joy here and there. that's a plus. but the best part about that is that i KNOW those moments are fleeting and i have learned to just take them in, experience them, fully feel them, and because i know they come and go, i don't fear anymore that they are short-lived. they will fall away again but i know they will come back. and equally, the bad feelings will do the same. so, there's that.

and here it is~
the LOST AND FOUND playlist

in this specific order, it sort of shows the evolution of my emotions through the past few years. starts out sort of dark, lost, apathetic, etc. and gets a little more hopeful and maybe a little less self-absorbed/more looking to something deeper as it goes. (i'm already fully aware how lame it is, trying to put it into words, so don't laugh at me to much.)

1. elliott smith – between the bars
“with the things you could do
you won't but you might
the potential you'll be
that you'll never see
the promises you'll only make”
not living up to potential, empty, broken promises, ignoring it all and pushing it all off until 'later'.... yeah. story of my life

2. bobby long – a passing tale
“i'm lost to this world and i don't know why…
…and i've kinda hit the floor
i'm reaching for something more”

those lyrics specifically sum up how lost i feel sometimes, as bobby tends to do (even if he didn't mean it that way)

3. massive attack (feat. elizabeth fraser)  teardrop
“you're stumbling a little
you're stumbling a little”
for this one, it's more about the music itself. the pulse, like a heartbeat on life support...

4. muse – save me
“hold me 'cause i'm sure i'm hated
promises, they are overrated
wait just a while
while i'm drowning in denial”

sometimes you want someone to bring you out of yourself and save you. 

5. evanescence – bring me to life
“i've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without thought, without voice, without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life
…save me from the nothing i’ve become”
this song has been my anthem. i felt that i was dead inside and often describe a good chunk of my life as like being in an emotional coma.

6. queen – the show must go on
“the show must go on, yeah
inside my heart is breaking
my makeup may be flaking
but my smile still stays on”
the lyrics say a lot, but so does the music. it's like an apathetic look at continuing to live through pain. you go on because you have to.

7. sia – chandelier
“help me, i'm holding on for dear life
won't look down, won't open my eyes
keep my glass full until morning light
'cause i'm just holding on for tonight”
i think that's pretty self-explanatory...

8. muse – butterflies & hurricanes
“don't let yourself down
don't let yourself go
your last chance has arrived…
…your time is now”

fight or die, basically.

9. india.arie – get it together
“and now your chest burns and your back aches
from fifteen years of holding the pain
and now you only have yourself to blame
if you continue to live this way”
this one IS one of those inspirational songs. it's uplifting but also a kick in the ass.

10. avril lavigne – everybody hurts
“everybody hurts some days
it's okay to be afraid
everybody hurt
everybody screams
everybody feels this way
and it's okay
it's okay”

i used to say that it didn't make me feel better to say "i'm not the only one" ~ just because someone else might feel the same as i do, it doesn't lessen MY pain... but i've come to realize it DOES help that someone can understand. 

11. jimmy eat world – the middle
“live right now
yeah, just be yourself
it doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else”

this has been one of my biggest struggles ~ learning not to worry about what other people think and knowing that, as i am right now, i'm enough. also, the ride isn't over yet...

12. christina perri  human
“i bleed when i fall down
i'm only human
and i crash and i break down”

it's rather comforting to accept being human. perfection is not attainable or expected.

13. r. kelly – the storm is over
“i can see the sunshine
somewhere beyond the clouds”
sometimes, a little cheese is okay. ;)
i would like to think - i HOPE - the darkest parts are behind me.

14. kelly clarkson  stronger
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

...if you let it. 
this one is more about the music. it makes me wanna dance.

15. frightened rabbit – not miserable
“i'm not miserable now
no one knows
no one knows
i'm not miserable”

the first time i heard this song, i just thought 'yes'. (thanks, jenn!)

16. johnny mercer (feat. the pied pipers) –  ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive
“accentuate the positive
eliminate the negative
latch on to the affirmative”

words to live by. i believe more strongly in the law of attraction than anything else.

17. new radicals – you get what you give
“don't give up
you've got a reason to live”
another uplifting one with another message i agree with ~ you only get out of life what you put into it.

18. whitney houston – i didn’t know my own strength
“found hope in my heart
i found the light to light my way out of the dark
found all that i need here inside of me
oh, i thought i'd never find my way
i thought i'd never lift that weight
i thought i would break
i didn't know my own strength
and i crashed down and i tumbled
but i did not crumble
i got through all the pain
i didn't know my own strength”

another self-explanatory one.

19. weezer (feat. hayley williams) – rainbow connection
“i've heard it too many times to ignore it
it's something that i'm supposed to be
someday we'll find it
the rainbow connection
the lovers, the dreamers, and me”
tapping into that part of me that recognizes something deeper, even if i can't quite grasp what it is yet.

20. iz kamakawiwo'ole – somewhere over the rainbow
“and the dreams that you dare to dream
really do come true”
this version specifically because he sings it in such a wistful, carefree way. like he's already there rather than waiting for it.

Friday, February 13, 2015

my really old, really stupid quiz

when i was in high school and email was a new thing, we sent around these chain letter things to each other all the time. a lot of them were quizzes you would fill out and send back. get to know you kind of things. i took it upon myself (as i still do), to consolidate, improve upon, and redistribute. i made up the longest, most pointless and idiotic quiz to ever grace my friends' inboxes. 
cleaning out my hard drive, i just came across it and was compelled to fill it out. again.
enjoy~ (or not. ...probably not.)

p.s. i DARE you to fill it out and email it back to me!!

What time is it?: 4:48am
Full Name: ***** ***** ***
Nicknames: kmah, lil mah
Sex: maybe later
Birthdate: june 10
Location: canada, my house, kitchen table
Living Arrangements: organized chaos  (just me and hubby)
Siblings: 1 of each
Shoe Size: 7 (5 in mens for chucks – 5.5 for sambas)
Eye Color: uhhhhh… greyish-teal?
Height: 5’1.5”
Pets: none of the alive variety
Parent's names: mr. and mrs. minaker
Bedtime: when i’m tired
Part Two~ Favorites
Type of music: all
Song: atm?... hmmmm. gonna pick ‘bring me to life’ by evanescence. feeling that right now.
CD: of the moment ‘EWBAITE’ - weezer
Singer/Group: weezer, bobby long, ok go, sia, sam bradley
Soundtrack: all the twilight ones
TV show: of all ~ friends, of now ~ the vampire diaries
Movie: all the twilights
Magazine: none
Article of Clothing: ……. maybe my charcoal tna hoodie? or my fat pants and forks t-shirt. hahaha. OR my chucks. does that count? (why am i asking? i made this quiz. if i say it counts, it counts. …it counts.)
Colour: green
Number: 8
Animal: panda
Flower: peony
Radio Station: no thanks
Class: retroactively? (wow, this quiz needs some editing.) uhhh… japanese?
Teacher: ever? idk. me?
Holiday: every day is a fucking holiday…  i’m gonna change this to mean vacation. then, hands down, japan. (forks is a close second though. then weezer cruise.)
Toothpaste: wtf? favourite toothpaste? i currently use colgate max fresh. don’t know that it would be “my favourite”.
Restaurant: sushi inn
Alcoholic Drink: amaretto and coke
Zoo Exhibit: jellyfish or pandas or monkeys
Pair of jeans: silvers
Sport to play: no
Sport to watch: no
Season of the Year: fall
Store: …. sephora maybe? idc
Poet: bobby. haha. for real, idk. i'm not educated enough to have an opinion.
Food: mashed potatoes
Ice cream: chocolate chip cookie dough
Lunch meat: turkey
Juice: … sweet tea
Dessert: cupcakes
Popscile: again… wtf?  creamsicle with pop rocks in it
Day of the week: thursday
Food court meal: poutine
Cartoon: anime (cheater)
Toy as a child: idk. barbies.
Person under the age of 5: nephews (i’m not picking one.)
Person over the age of 65: jay’s dad, grandpa (maybe i should say my parents…)
TV show in the 80's: full house
Simpson's character: seriously? barney
Pick-up line: fuck me
Part Three~ FRIENDS
Best Friend: jay
Person Who You Can Go To For Anything: jay (but most of my friends as well)
Person You Trust Most: jay
Most Caring: jay
Funniest: jay (or maybe tami)
Person Who Betrayed Your Trust: ****
Things That You Admire About Your Friends: funny, caring, accepting
Part Four~ LOVE LIFE (For The Girls)
Single or taken: married
If taken, why are you with him?: hubby, duh
OR If not, do you have a crush?:
Do you notice looks or personality first?: how do you ‘notice’ a personality?
What celebrity is your dream guy?: rob
Has it easier, guys or girls?: guys are simple but girls are insane, so neither
Sweet geek or dumb jock?: love my geeks
Which do you find more romantic - mountain resort or beachside?: mountain, but beaches have grown on me
Boxers or Briefs?: boxer briefs
What is your idea of the perfect guy?: combine rob and jay
Describe your ideal date?: meet for drinks, end up talking all night
Do you want to get married? Have a family?: am and maybe
What's the most romantic thing you've done?: all those crafts and shit i mailed?
What is the most romantic thing that has ever been done for you?: oh… everything

Part Four~ LOVE LIFE (For the Guys)
Single or Taken?:
If taken, why are you with her?:
OR If single, do you have a crush?:
Blondes or Brunettes?:
Long hair or short hair?:
First thing you notice in a girl?:
What turns you on?:
Celebrity that is your dream girl?:
Most romantic place for a date?:
If she asks you out on a date, who pays for the check ~ you, her,
What is your idea of the perfect girl?:
Describe your ideal date?:
Do you want to get married? Have a family?:
What's the most romantic thing you've done?:
What is the most romantic thing that has ever been done for you?:
Part Five~ OR's
Sprite or 7-UP: no thanks, unless there is alcohol involved - then, idc.
Coke or Pepsi: pepsi
Pen or Pencil: pen
Dog or Cat: neither, unless stuffed, then dog
Radio or TV: tv
Smarties or M&M's: smarties (canadian...)
Sore Throat or Upset Stomach: throat
Chocolate or Vanilla: depends on what. milkshakes, ice cream and cake – vanilla.
Croutons or Bacon Bits: yes
Apple or Orange: actual fruit – tie, juice – orange
McDonald's or Wendy's: mcd
Shampoo or Conditioner: now that i have short hair again, no conditioner needed. and what a stupid question. who is gonna pick JUST conditioner? dumbass.
Part Six~ WORD ASSOCIATION (First things that comes to mind)
Rubber Gloves: disinfectant
Disney Character: mulan
Fast Food place: mcd
Board Game: monopoly
Rock: paper
Blue: balls
Wet: hair
Cry: harder
Peanut butter: toast
Hay: barn
Paper: scissors
Red: rum
Part Seven~ Miscellanous
What is one thing you would like to change?: money situation
Were you named after anyone?: no
Which finger is your favourite?: huh? right pinky
When did you last cry?: earlier during tvd – when liz died. well, i teared up. full on cry, when that pain attacked my neck. a few weeks ago?
If you were making a movie about yourself, who would play you?: kristen stewart? lol
Describe your life at present, using a movie genre.: indie (ie. boring or weird)
Who are you jealous of?: people who have satisfying careers
What is the number one priority in your life?: growth
What are your worst habits?: laziness, lack of focus, quitter
What store would you never be caught dead in?: i think i’m beyond this now.
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: hell yeah
Are you a daredevil?: in terms of thrill seeking, no. spontaneously deciding to do something like get a tattoo or piercing (*snort*), sure.
Have you told a big secret you swore you wouldn't?: my own
Have you ever stolen anything?: yes
Do looks matter?: yes
Do you pray?: very very rarely
Have you ever met anyone famous?: :)
Are you trendy?: definitely not
What do you do to vent anger?: rant
Are you passive or aggressive?: quite passive
Who is your idol?: idk that i have one anymore. maybe oprah. i admire people who are their own people.
Do you trust others easily?: not anymore
What was your favourite toy as a child?: this is in here twice. in all these years, i’ve never edited that out?
What class in school did you think was totally useless?: all classes have merit, unless bureaucracy is making you take a course you’ve already taken
Do you like sappy love songs?: sometimes
Have you ever been on radio or television?: i'm sure i have but can't think of any. i'm gonna say this counts~

Do you have a journal?: hahahaha
Have you ever intentionally hurt someone?: if i did, i’m truly sorry.
Have you ever been in a mosh pit?: no
Do you feel understood most of the time?: hardly ever
Have you ever seriously thought about committing suicide?: yes
Would you ever bungee jump?: “not just no but HELL NO!”
Do you untie your shoes everytime you take them off?: depends on the shoe, but usually not (have to with hightop chucks and sambas though)
What are you worried about right now?: having money to send my friends birthday gifts
Do you think you are strong?: probably stronger than i realize
If you could meet anyone, dead or living, who would it be?: oprah, i guess
If you had only one more year to live, would you change the way you're living now?: i’d like to say yes, but probably not.
If the world were to end in 24 hours, what would you do?: take a shit ton of drugs so i don’t realize what’s happening when it goes down. (let’s be realistic. If everyone knew, airports and other travel options would be packed. if no one knew, i’d go somewhere nice with jay. like tokyo.)
What is one thing not a lot of people know about you?: i’m not as weak as i come across.
What is something you have learned recently?: how to make scrabble tile charms
What is the best smell?: clean boy (i’m pretty sure that hasn’t changed since high school.)
What is the worst smell?: mostly everything. human produced smells.
What is the best feeling in the world?: nest with jay with a rain-produced breeze
What is the worst feeling in the world?: demon poop
What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?: it’s rare for me to wake up in the morning. when i do, it’s usually trying to mentally calculate how much longer i can sleep.
Do you get motion sickness?: yes
Do you have names picked out for your future children? What are they?: only middle names – after a musician for the boy and a chinese/family name for a girl
Do you wear contacts?: maybe i’ll find the courage one day
Do you get along with your parents?: superficially
Do you sleep with stuffed animals?: not entirely by choice
Do you eat the stems off broccoli?: these questions... smh. not without cheese
If you could trade jobs with anyone in the world, who's would you pick?: professional travel blogger or research neuroscientist or an actress or oprah
What colour are your bedroom walls?: butterscotch poop
What colour are your bed sheets?: beige and white
If you were a gardening tool, what would you be?: oh, ffs…
If you were a kitchen utensil, what would you be?: a knife – to go back in time to stab myself for making up such stupid questions
Supposing there is God, what do you want him/her/it's first words to you be?: "there, it wasn’t that hard, right?"
What is under your bed?:  ;)
What time of your life would you go back to and live in again?: to re-do, my last year of high school and my early 20’s. because it was so awesome, twilight time. oh, and 2007 so i could read twilight and not miss out.
What is a piece of clothing that you would love to own?: if i want something, i get it.
Do you smoke?: no
Do you believe in an afterlife?: pearly gates and angels playing harps, no. ghost haunting, no. reincarnation, maybe. rejoining the earth consciousness and energy field, most likely scenario. acquiring an understanding of all that eluded me in life, yes.
What would you say your IQ is?: i have no clue how to rate that stuff. in terms of general intelligence, average. in terms of understanding ‘how and why’, slightly above average. not because i’m born with it or special, but because i spend the time thinking about it. stupid in some ways, smart in others.
What is the nicest accent?: mmmmm, love me some british men.
What is the ugliest accent?: still going with german. so sorry.
What is the last book you read?: all the way through…. possibly divergent! wow. i started a ton. most recently picked up, probably sandra’s book.
What did you think of it?: divergent? meh. sandra’s? in line with a lot of my views. once i finish it, i’d like to chat with her about it.
Do you work?: not for money
If yes, do you like your job? ~OR~ If no, why not?:
List your five biggest pet peeves.: bad grammar, judgmental people, insincerity, lack of consideration, slow technology
List your top five fears.: creepy crawly squiggly things, vomiting, something bad happening to jay or him leaving me, talking on the phone, pain in general
What are three things that you really love?: jay, my friends, my comfort
What is your funniest memory?: i wish i had one good story to tell… can’t think of anything specific right now.
Are you a closet fan of any particular band?: i’m not ashamed of anything.
If you had to get a tattoo (whether you have one already or not), where and what would you get?: my next plan is soot sprites behind my ear. i would also like a lotus tramp stamp, a kodama… somewhere (idk yet), and a back and shoulder piece – not sure of what yet. i would also like bobby lyrics at some point. and a cupcake.
Who is on your "Get Off My Planet" list?: too many people
Describe the state of your bathroom.: not too bad since i just cleaned it last week. starting to show it’s age though.
Are you close with your cousins?: not really
How much money do you have in your bank account?: of my own? not enough.
Do you save money for your future?: yes
Do you have any family members you really don't like?: definitely
How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?: roughly 2 hours
Do you snore?: i have.
What is the scariest thing that's ever happened to you?: nothing much
If you were stranded on a deserted island, what is one logical item you'd like to have with you?: a radio or wifi signal
Do you have anything that you've never told anyone?: not really
If television, radios, computers, and phones didn't exist, could you keep yourself entertained?: maybe not. it would be a huge adjustment.
What is the stupidest thing you've ever spent money on?: leather pants
If you couldn't live now, what era would you like to have lived in?: 50’s, i guess. idk. i really like now.
Who was your first celebrity crush?: michael j fox
What is your best quality?: my quirky outlook
Who is the ugliest person on tv?: stupid question
Did you ever watch Fraggle Rock?: duh
If you were given the opportunity to be rich and famous, would you take it?: absolutely. i could be that asshole who never talks to press or fans.
What makes you get out of bed every day?: i DON’T. eventually, boredom. and jay wouldn’t be happy.
Are you living for the past, the present, or the future?: present, little bit of future
What is the longest time you've owned (and worn regularly) a pair of shoes?: *sigh* i apologize for these questions… idk. 5 years.
What category would you put yourself into? (ie. preppy, grunge, conservative, goth, etc.): karen category
Do you have any useless, strange talents?: i sleep for a really long time. it’s a talent.
Do you have a close-knit family?: no
What is the meanest thing you've ever said to anyone?: i’m glad nothing comes to mind.
Do you think you're living up to your own standards?: not yet
If you could change one thing about your personality, what would you change?: less lazy, more assertive, more guts
What do you want to do with your life?: bleh. hate that question.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years: probably doing the same shit i have been doing for the last 20.
Make 3 wishes for yourself:
1 - find some purpose
2 - work for it and follow through
3 - succeed
What are your opinions on ~
abortion: sometimes it's a necessary evil
organized religion: not a fan
capital punishment: disagree. you never know for sure and it’s not up to us to judge.
politics: doesn’t affect me. idc.
What do you do most often when you are bored?: sleep
Self physical description: that should say ‘physical self-description’.  unremarkable.
Describe yourself in five words: unusual, mundane, contradiction, WIP, me
Five objects to represent you: fleece blanket, cup of tea, ipod, usb, old valuable work of literature or artifact (most likely of asian origin)
Do you do your own laundry?: i miss being in high school and having everything done for me. now, only 85% of everything is done for me. lol.
What time is it now?: 6:20am. jeebus.

Monday, December 29, 2014

colour blind

in general, i am a fairly laid back person. i am quite particular about the way i like things and obsessive in that way, but when it comes to 'issues', it's not often that i get riled up. there are, however, a few topics that i have very strong opinions about. racism is one of those things. so it makes sense that my mind is flying right now...

i just finished watching a documentary called hue - all about cultures all over the world valuing light skin above darker variations and the extremes that people go to and the discrimination people who are darker than others of their culture go through, not only from "white" people, but from themselves. i found it interesting that there was absolutely no mention of light skinned people who spend thousands of dollars and hours to tan their skin... but i guess that would take away from the point. just something to keep in mind. and, believe me, i do get it. it may go both ways, but not equally. that is for sure.

hating other people based on things they have no control over (their race, their situation they were born into, their looks, etc.) or their life choices (who they choose to love, how they want to live) has never made sense to me, especially if their life has no bearing at all on others. i wish it was this way for everyone. and i wish that people (INCLUDING myself) were happy to be who they are. i wish that differences were celebrated instead of used as a means to ostracise and separate.

i guess it's human nature to seek out others "like us"in order to categorize and define ourselves. we want to be surrounded by people who share similarities - same tastes, same lifestyles. that makes sense. but i also think we grow as human beings when we venture outside of what we know to understand those with a different perspective.

i just think, as humans, we were given this beautiful world we inhabit to enjoy. why do we do horrible things to each other?

i have so much more going on in my head right now, but it's disorganized, so i'll save it for another time.

Monday, December 22, 2014

top 10 christmas movies

i'm supposed to be packing to leave at 5am tomorrow... flying to my parent's place for a superquick christmas visit. but, i hate packing. so i made a list instead!

these are the 10 best christmas movies as determined my me. (they are MY favourites. of course they don't include some 'classics'.)

and be forewarned ~ i'm totally gonna cheat.

1. mickey's christmas carol - my very favourite christmas movie EVER. hands down. i can recite the entire thing. oh, and JIMINY!!

2. home alone & home alone 2 (see, cheating.) - classics. but only the first 2. any others are an abomination.

3. miracle on 34th street - both the 1947 and 1994 versions. different movies but equally great. tear up every time.

4. elf - this is hubby's tradition. has to watch it every year. it is great though. 

5. the santa clause - i LOVE this movie. it's magical.

6. the grinch - again, with the magic and the feels.

7. the bishop's wife / the preacher's wife - (still cheating.) TOTALLY different movies but both great.

8. a charlie brown christmas - love when they all gather around the paino and "ooh-ooh-ooh" the carols. and the tree! iconic.

9. rudolph the red-nosed reindeer - c'mon.

10. frosty the snowman - ditto. (and karen ftw.)

honourable mention: the night they saved christmas - i watched this as a kid once or twice and never forgot it. i thought it was so magical. then i watched it as an adult....  supercheesy 80's movie, but i still kind of love it. 

now go ahead and tell me about all the ones i left off my list...

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

daily vignette: day 8

unwrapped gifts

opened christmas presents with niecey and oldest nephew (and sil and fil) tonight via skype since we won't be at home on christmas day. that's usually our tradition. wake up and have videos calls with all the sibs and kids scattered all across the country. 

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

daily vignette: day 7


i wish i was one of those people who enjoyed food. instead, i have a hate/hate relationship with it. i hate food and it hates me. who knows who is to blame for this psychological defect? point is, i'm not someone who enjoys eating. and grocery shopping is it's own form of torture. this depicts the only section of the grocery store i don't loathe. because... cupcakes. that is one food i like. 

daily vignette: day 6


it's good to remind myself from time to time that i don't give up on everything i attempt. 
daruma dolls are a japanese thing (read about them here, if you're interested). when you get one, the eyes are blank. you determine a goal and fill in one of the them. when you successfully complete your task, you fill in the other eye. 
i got to fill in the second eye of this guy when i graduated with my ECE diploma. yay me.