Friday, May 02, 2003

Misconceptions of Depression

So, I told you I'd try to explain how depression has affected me....
Growing up I could tell that something "wasn't quite right". I've been told that all teenagers go through angst and bouts of depression. That's true. So I figured it comes with the territory, suck it up, and I'll just grow out of it.
I didn't grow out of it and from what my friends have said, looking back over those early years, what I went through was.... different. I'm assuming most girls have come home from school, gone straight to their room, and cried into their pillows for a couple hours or more but it seemed to be too frequent an occurrence in my teenage years and the difference was, I cried for no reason.
For those that don't know or fully understand, depression is an illness. There is a chemical in your brain called serotonin (I have no idea how to spell it though.) and no one knows how but it affects emotions. In people that have depression, there's a lack of this chemical.
When you think of someone who is depressed, you think of someone very very sad. That's not what it's like for me. Yeah, I'm sad sometimes. Probably more often than most people and not for any reason in particular sometimes. It's also anger, frustration, but most of all, lacking the ability to care about myself.
Today, at lunch, a friend of mine was telling me how upset she's been lately and in a joking manner said she thought she should probably have to go on anti-depressants. It won't take your sadness away. It's not like my emotions are so bad that some doctor thought. "Hey, that's enough. I'll give you these magic little pills and then you won't feel it anymore." The pain I go through is no worse that anyone else's. Everyone else just seems to be better at dealing with them. The anti-depressants put a bottom in my big black pit. I don't just laugh off my problems now. They're still there. I just don't think that they're going to crush me anymore. I've realized I'm a lot stronger than I thought. I was thinking about the worst things in my life that could happen to me and I think I'd still be okay. I definitely be devastated but I was given a good sense of humour to pull me through almost anything. Sadness won't kill you.... it just puts a damper on living.
I'm just having a hard time with my life right now. A lot of people have asked me why that is. I have a great relationship with my boyfriend, people around me who love me, and new place to live that I really like, intelligence, fairly good health (considering how I treat myself), talents, etc....
I have these things I want in my life and the fact that I don't have EVERYTHING out of life I want RIGHT NOW makes me upset. I don't have a career that I love. I don't eat well or exercise at all. I am not married with kids in a big house and all the best stuff. My family is not as close with me as I'd like. Blah blah blah. I just want to be happy with what I have and I don't know how to be.
I heard or read once that you'll never be happy if you aren't happy with now. If you're always looking towards the future, you'll never be satisfied. People always say, if only I had whatever, I'd be happy. That's my life.
As the cutest geek ever, Garth Algar said, "Live in the now."

When you figure it out, let me know.

(originally posted to an unknown online journal) 

Thursday, May 01, 2003

not ready to go to sleep yet

There are so many thought milling around in my tired brain. I haven't written on here for such a long time and when I was talking to Liz, she mentioned her online journal, so I became inspired to write.
Right now, my head feels fuzzy and dizzy, kind of like being drunk but unpleasant. It's my medication that I'm on now. I was on sertraline before (the common name for Zoloft) but I was switched to Effexor (spelling?) last time I was at the doctor to combat "sexual side effects" (which, by the way, switching hasn't made a lick of difference) and because it's stronger. I'm either going to switch back or increase the dosage. This dosage isn't taking care of the symptoms to my liking but I detest the side-affects. This buzz is the worst one. With the sertraline, if I missed a day or two, I'd feel this way but this new one is CRAZY! I usually take my pills at about 11:00pm. It's now almost 1:00. TWO HOURS and it's intense. It doesn't creep up on you either. As I wrote the last one, I was fine. It comes on like a bucket of water being thrown in your face. The only way to get rid of it is to take a pill and sleep it off. Luckily, that is precisely what I'm going to do in about ten minutes. Sometimes, this happens to me at work. That REALLY REALLY sucks! Have you ever been drunk at work? If so, you may know what it feels like. All I want to do is sit down and close my eyes but obviously I can't. I have to stand up, be alert, smile at and help customers, and most of all, not let customers and especially the people I work with know how I feel. It wouldn't be as big of a deal if I was a part time but I'm in a "role of authority" so there are certain things I CANNOT do (or I'll be in shit from my boss and manager). Some of those things are be in a bad mood, show when I'm sick, complain, etc. Of course I slip up but those times are the hardest. There's a period of time when switching types of medications or increasing or decreasing doses when I feel like this for upwards of a week. VERY DIFFICULT to get through it! I can't book off work for a week! I can't do any of these "bad things". And, I can't explain to anyone how my head feels because no one understands! It's very frustrating.

NEXT TIME --->

I'll tell you why I take anti-depressants, how I feel, and why no one understands how it feels and why I can't help myself.... if I can.

(originally posted to an unknown online journal)