such a shame

sometimes i think the shit i come up with to say to other people is pure gold. it's too bad they can't seem to appreciate it.  (lol. modest much?)

why did i say that?

i have been obsessed - OBSESSED - lately by a specific tv show on oprah's network ~ super soul sunday. 

those that i'm closest to know this already because i won't stop talking about it. i think it's so important in the world right now. i wish i could force everyone on the planet to watch it. in it, oprah has a conversation with various thinkers and spiritual leaders. they discuss different aspects of getting it touch with what really matters. 
i get so excited about it because i'm totally into this whole spiritual awakening thing. i am big on compassion and being present and gratitude and the law of attraction, etc. each episode of the show delves into some or all of these. it's thought provoking - making me think deeply on a lot of different things. every time i watch it, i have moment after moment of discovery, understanding, and recognition.

i was talking to my dad the other day. i can't remember now what about but i brought up the show. 
in the past, he has been very resistant to any type of thought that doesn't match up with his own. when i was interested in some of the aspects of buddhism and taoism in high school, he had said something like i had no need to look any further than my own (his own) christian beliefs. that was the only truth that mattered. it was as if anything that wasn't part of christianity was a direct attack on his belief system.
after many conversations like this, i learned to just keep anything "different" to myself. i'm not sure if his views have changed at all recently but i also know that the older people get, the more rigid in their beliefs they can become. and i know some other topics, he has not budged at all on - so it's unlikely anything has changed.
knowing this, when i mentioned the show, i downplayed it. i shrugged off something i actually feel very strongly about by describing it as "one of those hippy-dippy type of shows." this isn't even a phrase in my normal vocabulary. it's something he says a lot. 

i have no idea why i did that and felt like an inauthentic asshole afterwards. sometimes it's like my parents make me regress into this fearful child who can't stand up for what she believes in. it's weird and disconcerting. 

can i help?

"Can I help you?" said Jane.

Though Jane herself had no inkling of it, those words were the keynote of her character. Any one else would probably have said, "What is the matter?" But Jane always wanted to help; and, though she was too young to realize it, the tragedy of her little existence was that nobody ever wanted her help... not even Mother, who had everything a heart could wish.

L. M. Montgomery

Jane of Lantern Hill - chapter 3

~~~~~~~~
i think when someone offers to help you - truly WANTS to help you - you should accept. even if you are doing something that requires a set skill level. if it turns out that if you hand it over to someone else, it will create more work for you to fix it afterwards, don't give them THAT job. 
it's like with a child. they are so eager to be involved in the "grown-up" things that you do. if they offer to help with dinner, you obviously don't give them the ingredients and leave the kitchen. but they can help stir or set the table or ...whatever. to deny a child their desire to be of assistance... i believe this crushes something within them. it's rejection. and good luck getting them to do anything when they are a teenager and more capable. you've already trained that willingness out of them.

it's really the same thing with adults. if a friend sees you working hard on something or struggling through something and says 'if there is anything i can do to help'... let them. even if it's just the mundane side stuff. speaking from personal experience, this can solidify a relationship. it's saying 'yes, i accept your offer and value you enough to involve you in this thing that is important to me'.

on the flip side, if you ask someone to help you, you are doing both of you a disservice if you don't spell out exactly what you want from them. if you are vague or say 'do whatever you want', which is fine, don't later on change around what they are doing or tell them they are doing it wrong. if you want something specific, be specific. if you made the mistake of not being detailed enough in the beginning and the help you are receiving is no longer what you need, it's not that difficult to let the person know that their assistance is still valued but your needs have shifted. to ignore this can destroy a friendship. 

above all, be grateful. when someone helps you, they are sharing a part of themselves with you. recognize that. let them know you appreciate them. everyone wants that validation. 

old facebook groups

remember back in the early days of fb... i used to have a "group" for people who were in my japanese class at U of T. it lasted a little longer than the actual school year but was eventually deleted because it had the copyrighted videos they used as class material (even though it was a closed group and they were only being used by us and the videos were all available to us on our class website).

i was just thinking about this group... i created it mostly to chat with fellow students about class material and study tips, etc. there was a small group of us who met weekly to go over the lessons and help each other out. (the way first year japanese classes are structured was that there was one lecture on mondays which included all the 1st year students. i don't remember how many, but it was a lot. like 200 maybe? and then we were split into groups of about 25 for daily tutorial classes 3 more times a week. you didn't really get a chance to know anyone who wasn't in your section. there was only one person who was included in our study sessions and fb group who wasn't in my section.) 

~anyway...

i used to post these article-type-things on there. these long posts about certain course material that i found interesting or had found related material elsewhere that would give more in-depth understanding of the concepts. granted, it was mostly for my own benefit. i really have to delve into something to truly understand it. i have to find something to relate to in order for it to stick. but some of them said it was interesting and helpful to them as well, so... yay. 

looking back on it now, i so wish i had copied these things down somewhere. (i'm actually really surprised i didn't, with the way i hoard stuff.) they would have been nice additions to this blog. and helpful as a refresher now that hubby and i have decided to go back to japan again. *sigh* hindsight...

the story of my hair

*sigh* well, my hair is almost all gone...

posted this on instagram and facebook yesterday.
the response was... amusing, to say the least.

although i hate how i look with short hair, i don't regret it at all. 

six and a half years ago, i had long BLACK hair. it was admittedly too dark a shade for me and looked harsh, but it didn't start out that way. i first started dying my hair a nice dark brown colour. i loved that. blonde does NOT suit me. you would think, because i'm so pale and have light eyes, that it would work. nope! i liked the contrast of the dark hair and paler features.  ...anyway~

when the roots grew in, it was atrocious. and when i'd dye it all to cover them, the remainder would get darker and darker each time so that's how i eventually ended up at black. that was a nightmare when the roots started to grow even a bit. it became impossible to keep up with, so i decided to grow it out, chop off the black, and start afresh. 

went around like this for a good six months

nice, huh?

whenever some look i try doesn't work out to be aesthetically pleasing, i always say, "oh well. it's just hair. it'll grow." i think i'm pretty lucky. my hair grows relatively quickly. knowing that and the fact that there are so many people who, for many different reasons, CAN'T grow their own gave me the idea that i can give mine to one of those people. i made the decision to grow my hair specifically with the intention to cut it when it was long enough to be made into a wig for someone fighting cancer. it's such a horrible disease (who out of us has not been touched in some way or another?) and no one deserves to have to fight that battle. 

i don't have a job, so i can't really give anyone money. i'm not skilled at a lot of things, so i can't help that way. let's face it ~ i'm lazy! so it seems unrealistic to think i would get off my ass to physically help someone. but sitting back and letting nature do what it does with the end result of benefiting someone else seemed like a good way to go. all i had to do was not dye it and let it grow.

like i said~ that was 6.5 years ago. 

i started off with a pixie cut. for some reason, i had always wanted one. (actually, i started with a cut i did myself in my bathroom, and then decided to have it "cleaned up" professionally and went even shorter.) well, that curiosity was satisfied and i will never go that short ever again. it was a very awkward two years. 

my handiwork

what i paid someone to do to me

the last year has been weird, hair wise. a year ago, it had reached the limit for the length of what i would personally want. it ceased to feel like "my hair" and began to feel like i was just holding something for someone else. i'm not sure if that makes sense or if you can liken that to another experience...  it felt like i was growing someone else's hair. technically, that's exactly what i was doing. in the last few months, it's been almost unmanageable. it was too long for me. it got caught in and under things constantly. it took half an hour to wash and another 15 minutes to comb through and dry. i mostly wore it up in a bun just to keep it out of the way. i was trying to hold out as long as possible but it was time to get rid of it.

the point of no return - taken sept 2013

so yesterday, i went to truly you ~ a salon/clinic that's part of the capilia network which specializes in hair loss solutions. they partner with a foundation running a program called angel hair for kids which accepts hair donations to make wigs for sick and financially disadvantaged children. i had contacted them back in february after finding them in an extensive internet search. (i didn't want to give my hair to a place that would use it for salon training purposes or to make extensions for someone who just couldn't be bothered to grow their own hair.) 

before

after

the whole process is kind of fun and the staff at truly you are really great. they ooh-ed and ahh-ed over my hair and made me feel really good about what i was doing. after the technician/stylist asked what i wanted as a final style, she sectioned off and bundled up my hair into little ponytails before cutting them off. i didn't get an actual measurement but i think the longest bits were about 17". my hair was layered, especially in the front, so some sections were quite a bit shorter. 

and now i'm back at square one ~ short hair i must suffer through until i'm comfortable with it. but if the hair i gave away makes a little girl smile and feel better about herself... that's all i could ever ask for.