i always have my ipad with me. when i'm lying in bed, before i fall asleep, that is when my brain works through everything. every once in awhile, i feel like i need to write things down. my ipad is right there, so my notes section is full of stuff.
i just came across this and decided to share it. i wrote it january 16 at 3:21am.
it's always you. you're the one i put my faith in. the one i lean on. when the rest of the world throws me and i feel like everyone turns their backs on me, i turn to you. you're always there when it really matters. you may not always understand, or agree, but you always love and you support me in ways i can't even wrap my head around. just being near you makes me feel stronger. you may not be able to diffuse every bomb that sets itself off inside of me, but you smother the flames into mere smoldering embers. your consistency provides a balance in my world that i crave. i would be lost without you.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Friday, May 16, 2014
walking contradiction
in keeping with the self-reflection, i recently decided something about myself. for every single personality trait you can say about me, the exact opposite is also true.
i'm selfish and selfless.
i'm intelligent and lack common sense.
i'm organized and scattered.
i'm oblivious and pay attention to detail.
i'm kind and heartless.
i'm lazy and work tirelessly.
i'm half-assed and a perfectionist.
i'm patient and easily annoyed.
i'm creative and unoriginal.
i'm easy-going and particular.
i'm shy and outspoken.
i'm passionate and apathetic.
this is a new revelation to me and i've always known it.
i wrote a poem for my grade 13 writer's craft class entitled "walking contradiction" and in it, i compared myself to opposite objects. things like a fuzzy pink sweater and a threadbare grey hoodie. i don't remember the exact comparisons (i'll add it here if i can dig it up somewhere and if i ever get around to it.) but the objects i chose to describe aspects of my dualism were symbolic and also literally very me.
i'm selfish and selfless.
i'm intelligent and lack common sense.
i'm organized and scattered.
i'm oblivious and pay attention to detail.
i'm kind and heartless.
i'm lazy and work tirelessly.
i'm half-assed and a perfectionist.
i'm patient and easily annoyed.
i'm creative and unoriginal.
i'm easy-going and particular.
i'm shy and outspoken.
i'm passionate and apathetic.
this is a new revelation to me and i've always known it.
i wrote a poem for my grade 13 writer's craft class entitled "walking contradiction" and in it, i compared myself to opposite objects. things like a fuzzy pink sweater and a threadbare grey hoodie. i don't remember the exact comparisons (i'll add it here if i can dig it up somewhere and if i ever get around to it.) but the objects i chose to describe aspects of my dualism were symbolic and also literally very me.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
music and self-image
i have a lot of friends who are really into music. like, REALLY into music. often saying things like, "music is my life" and "i couldn't survive without music". i like music, but when i heard stuff like that, i thought, "wow. that's hardcore. those people are so cool." (and they are!) but, until recently, i didn't really acknowledge what a big part of my life music was. i just assumed i like music, just like the next person. doesn't everyone listen to music all day long and get all the feels when a good song touches them? hmmmm... i guess not.
i was speaking to a good friend i've known for many years and i was telling her about these other friends i have that i look up to and think are so great and how they are so into music and stuff. she said that it makes sense that we are friends then. i was confused by her statement.
she went on to explain that i've always been really into music and that i always seem to be listening to something and that i know the stuff i know better than anyone. this made me stop and think. two things~
she sees me in a way i've never thought about myself. that fleeting conversation was eye-opening. it made me go on to think about self-image and how others see you and how they don't often match up with how you view yourself. of course we all adapt how we put ourselves out there based on who we're with. (like, you're going to act differently with kids than with adults, at your job than out with your friends, etc.) it's not being inauthentic or putting on masks or hiding anything. it's just human nature. it's the many different sides of yourself. so it seems only natural that various people are going to have varying perceptions of who you are. you're never the exact same person to more than one person. it's fascinating to me to be able to get a glimpse of how other people see me. to my friend, one of the things that stands out to her is that i am a music lover. this is one of the qualities that comes to her mind when she thinks of me. i was stunned to find that out.
the other thing that i thought about was what being a "music lover" actually means and why i didn't classify myself as that before. it should be simple, right? a lover of music loves music. but i sometimes place unreasonable expectations on things, especially on myself. i would have denied being "cool" like my music-loving friends based on some pretty stupid criteria. if you were to turn on the radio right now and listen for half an hour, i may know one or two songs out of the entire set. i don't keep up with what's popular. i feel "out of the loop" most of the time. there are also standards or classics that seemingly everyone knows that i have no clue about. i was raised by a mother who did not listen to music other than at church and a father who only listened to his selected genre (the beatles and other music from that time). i had no one to teach me these things. so, how could i possibly be one of those cool people? i am not constantly sourcing out new artists and songs. i tend to fall into music ruts and sit and listen to one or two artists for months at a time. so the songs i know, i know really, really well. if i really like an artist/band, i will hoard everything i can. so i'm not someone who "knows everything". my music knowledge is sparse and full of holes.
but, back to the being a music lover thing, i do LOVE music. i love that it can express anything you need to communicate. there's that saying "where words fail, music speaks" (or something like that). there is something for every mood. most of the time, i have music playing in the background even if i'm not paying any attention to it. i use music to wake up and i use it to fall asleep. then there are the times when i just sit and listen to actually hear it and connect to it.
sometimes i listen to the lyrics and that's what grabs me. i can relate to or imagine what it feels like to experience what is being sung. other times, i don't pay any attention to what is actually being said but the melody or harmonies or beat or something about the instrumentation is striking. music can make me feel sad, can lift me up, excite me, calm me down. it can heighten an existing mood or completely turn it around.
i like that music hold memories too. i'm sure it's like that for anyone. you hear a certain song and are instantly transported back to a moment or period in your life. you remember how you felt and what you thought. or you associate certain songs with particular people. music can wrap you in a hug or slap you in the face. it's so powerful. it's bizarre to me that it's not like this for everyone. i can't really wrap my head around life without music.
~
later addition: when i reread this before posting it, the part about different sides of yourself made me laugh. i was thinking there are those different aspects that you show at different times, all of which are a part of you, but that you can't be "whole" at one particular time. and then, like i often do, i was reminded of a song (hence the ironic laughter). lenka's "everything at once". it's about precisely that. being all parts of you at once.
funny how music does that. just an errant thought and all of a sudden a song pops in your head to complement it.
or have you ever been having a conversation with someone and they say a particular string of words that just happen to be song lyrics (usually not having anything at all to do with the content of the conversation) and then you're off singing in your head and totally miss what that the person is even saying? or spontaneously broken into song, just like in a musical, when something triggers a song in your head?
*sigh* did i mention i love music?
i was speaking to a good friend i've known for many years and i was telling her about these other friends i have that i look up to and think are so great and how they are so into music and stuff. she said that it makes sense that we are friends then. i was confused by her statement.
she went on to explain that i've always been really into music and that i always seem to be listening to something and that i know the stuff i know better than anyone. this made me stop and think. two things~
she sees me in a way i've never thought about myself. that fleeting conversation was eye-opening. it made me go on to think about self-image and how others see you and how they don't often match up with how you view yourself. of course we all adapt how we put ourselves out there based on who we're with. (like, you're going to act differently with kids than with adults, at your job than out with your friends, etc.) it's not being inauthentic or putting on masks or hiding anything. it's just human nature. it's the many different sides of yourself. so it seems only natural that various people are going to have varying perceptions of who you are. you're never the exact same person to more than one person. it's fascinating to me to be able to get a glimpse of how other people see me. to my friend, one of the things that stands out to her is that i am a music lover. this is one of the qualities that comes to her mind when she thinks of me. i was stunned to find that out.
the other thing that i thought about was what being a "music lover" actually means and why i didn't classify myself as that before. it should be simple, right? a lover of music loves music. but i sometimes place unreasonable expectations on things, especially on myself. i would have denied being "cool" like my music-loving friends based on some pretty stupid criteria. if you were to turn on the radio right now and listen for half an hour, i may know one or two songs out of the entire set. i don't keep up with what's popular. i feel "out of the loop" most of the time. there are also standards or classics that seemingly everyone knows that i have no clue about. i was raised by a mother who did not listen to music other than at church and a father who only listened to his selected genre (the beatles and other music from that time). i had no one to teach me these things. so, how could i possibly be one of those cool people? i am not constantly sourcing out new artists and songs. i tend to fall into music ruts and sit and listen to one or two artists for months at a time. so the songs i know, i know really, really well. if i really like an artist/band, i will hoard everything i can. so i'm not someone who "knows everything". my music knowledge is sparse and full of holes.
but, back to the being a music lover thing, i do LOVE music. i love that it can express anything you need to communicate. there's that saying "where words fail, music speaks" (or something like that). there is something for every mood. most of the time, i have music playing in the background even if i'm not paying any attention to it. i use music to wake up and i use it to fall asleep. then there are the times when i just sit and listen to actually hear it and connect to it.
sometimes i listen to the lyrics and that's what grabs me. i can relate to or imagine what it feels like to experience what is being sung. other times, i don't pay any attention to what is actually being said but the melody or harmonies or beat or something about the instrumentation is striking. music can make me feel sad, can lift me up, excite me, calm me down. it can heighten an existing mood or completely turn it around.
i like that music hold memories too. i'm sure it's like that for anyone. you hear a certain song and are instantly transported back to a moment or period in your life. you remember how you felt and what you thought. or you associate certain songs with particular people. music can wrap you in a hug or slap you in the face. it's so powerful. it's bizarre to me that it's not like this for everyone. i can't really wrap my head around life without music.
~
later addition: when i reread this before posting it, the part about different sides of yourself made me laugh. i was thinking there are those different aspects that you show at different times, all of which are a part of you, but that you can't be "whole" at one particular time. and then, like i often do, i was reminded of a song (hence the ironic laughter). lenka's "everything at once". it's about precisely that. being all parts of you at once.
funny how music does that. just an errant thought and all of a sudden a song pops in your head to complement it.
or have you ever been having a conversation with someone and they say a particular string of words that just happen to be song lyrics (usually not having anything at all to do with the content of the conversation) and then you're off singing in your head and totally miss what that the person is even saying? or spontaneously broken into song, just like in a musical, when something triggers a song in your head?
*sigh* did i mention i love music?
maybe it's self-discovery. maybe it's self-obsession.
i have always been introspective and think about why i do the things i do. i think perhaps it might be more accurate to say i'm completely self-involved, but i am extremely negative when it comes to myself so maybe that's a snap judgement. i don't know. i'm not objective. you can decide for yourself.
i was in a play when i was a teenager. my character was very modest and obedient. she did what was expected of her. i don't remember at this point who it was that said it to her, but she was told that if she didn't rebel in her teenage years, it would all come out in her thirties. i can now attest that this is indeed the truth. i was tightly controlled when i was growing up. my mother loves to tell me i have always been rebellious but i sometimes wonder if she knows what that means. i wasn't allowed to do much. i hardly ever left the house more than to just go to a friend's house for a few hours or the occasional trip to the mall. and even those were battles. i didn't smoke, drink, do drugs. and forget about boys. although i can't blame my parents completely. i don't know where it came from but there was always such a fear in me to break any kind of rules. i was afraid of getting in trouble, sure, but it was more than that. (issues for another day.)
needless to say, i did not have the experiences - healthy, completely normal experiences - that most teenagers do. and in my opinion, should. it's not like i was one of those robot offspring children that exceeded, or even lived up to, what was desired (doing well in school, excelling in... anything really). but i also never really acted out or did anything drastic (beyond crying and begging to be allowed to have more freedom - which was never granted, btw.) i never seized any opportunity to do anything i really wanted to. maybe it became habit or something, idk, but that inaction carried through into my early adult years. i had such plans. but i never did any of it. not because anyone told me not to or i was being held back. i just didn't try.
i often tell people that i was in a mental and emotional coma for the last ten years (lately i'm thinking it may be even longer than that. maybe always.), but that i have just "woken up" within the last few years. part of this means that i've been really thinking about all the things i've previously believed, not just about myself but in general, and challenging whether or not they are really true. i've "discovered" a lot of things about myself recently. or changed my mind about them.
i grew up hearing i was "rebellious", the typical middle child, a "difficult personality". it's been a burden. to some extent, i think it's true. i do have a lot of quirks that make me... unique ;) (maybe odd is a more appropriate word.) and i have personality traits that can be difficult to deal with. i am waaaaaay beyond insecure. i am a praise junkie and i seek reassurance and validation constantly. i always question, or just flat-out don't believe, people when they compliment me. i think people are just lying when they say they like me. and i'm always waiting for the people who do seem to like me to get sick of me or bored or whatever the case maybe. i take every teeny tiny slight against me as a confirmation of my belief that i am unlikeable and not worth being around. most of the time, i feel pathetic and borderline psychotic. how COULD anyone like me?
so... tonight it just occurred to me to question this. i'm wondering how much of this is truth and how much is self-fulfilling prophecy of the label my mother gave me? i KNOW my emotionally neediness and the desire to obsessively rehash things over and over pushes people away, but how much of that is inherent and how much is learned? how much of my insecurity is reactionary to all the people who have hurt me? how much of "don't let it bother you" is really a choice and will the "fake it till you make it" eventually work or will i always just have to hide how deeply affected i am by the smallest of incidents?
i've always said that i don't hide anything. that i will tell anyone who will listen alllll about me and my inner demons. completely open book. ...... this is one of those things i've changed my mind on lately. i don't know if i was just deluding myself before or if i've changed but it seems that i'm actually a vault now. i am still one of my favourite topics (self-obsessed, remember? lol.) but when it really comes down to being REAL - those self-revealing things that really matter, i find i CAN'T talk about certain things. either i don't have the words or there is some sort of block where i physically can't seem to make my mouth form the words. and i find i do actually hide things about myself. like the needy, clingy, obsessive, pathetic thought patterns. it oozes out, of course. there are times where i am so overwhelmed by what's going on in my head that i just can't contain it. (you can bet if i come to you for feedback, wanting to talk about a minor incident, i've already tortured myself with it and can't take it by myself anymore.) but i do try to keep it under wraps as much as i can. it's exhausting. but i don't want to put people off or annoy them or burden them with my stupidity. i think if people really knew what i was thinking, they would laugh at me and think i was completely pathetic. they would see how crazy i really am. and then they wouldn't want to deal with me anymore because it's too tiresome.
another example, which i was just called out on tonight, was that i hide from people that i am a fan of a 'certain actor and associated movie/book franchise'. around the people that i feel will judge me for it, i don't talk about it. when i meet new people, i try to hide it from them. even when i reveal that "i'm a fan" to people who are either not involved or express only a slight interest, they have NO IDEA the full extent of my involvement and preoccupation. i only feel safe to fully enter fangirl mode with other 'superfans'. even then sometimes... it shouldn't matter. i shouldn't care. it's fun for me. i know i shouldn't let fear of being judged hold me back from having a good time. but i do. i care. and i hate it. i want to not care.
i mentioned "it all comes out in your thirties"... so, i'm turning 34 next month. and i do feel like, although i haven't done anything too crazy, i have been doing things in the past few years that are more indicative of a teenager. maybe not the acts themselves (i'm talking about tattoos, piercing, drinking/partying, refusing to "settle down" or "grow up") but the reasoning behind doing them, i guess. they are indeed things rebellious teenagers do, but they are also things that responsible adults do (including many of my friends). but i feel like maybe i'm doing all these things to push against how i'm expected (real or imagined) to act. ...i don't know how else to describe that. i just feel like i'm all of a sudden changing into a different person or doing things i wouldn't have just a few years ago. people seem to think i should be having kids, getting a job, taking better care of myself, not doing the things i mentioned, not travelling all over and prioritizing that above other things. "people"... not sure exactly who these people are, or even if it's just my perceptions of what others are thinking. or maybe that's it. maybe i'm resisting my OWN expectations of what i should be doing. or maybe i AM slowly learning not to care and just do the things i have wanted to do, regardless of what other's opinions may or may not be. one thing i've noticed is that by experiencing more and more things i held off from doing before, i am finding things out about myself that i wouldn't have otherwise. that's part of what the age hangup thing is... i feel like i should have done these "finding yourself" sorts of things a long time ago.
i spend a great deal of time thinking about things like this. i've been told before (by "professionals") that they've never met anyone who thought about their own thinking as much as i do. at the time i first heard that (yes, it's been more than once), i felt a strange sense of pride. like i was being called "smart" ...or something. but now i'm not sure how to take it. maybe it's a heightened intuitiveness in regards to how my own mind works, but it's just a way of saying self-absorbed, no? that's not a good thing. at least not unless it's paired with someone who is also extremely thoughtful when it comes to others. that's not me. i'm caring but my follow-through sucks. i forget to think of other people. i'm selfish.
again... just being negative or true? to figure it out, i need to think about it some more. ha.
i was in a play when i was a teenager. my character was very modest and obedient. she did what was expected of her. i don't remember at this point who it was that said it to her, but she was told that if she didn't rebel in her teenage years, it would all come out in her thirties. i can now attest that this is indeed the truth. i was tightly controlled when i was growing up. my mother loves to tell me i have always been rebellious but i sometimes wonder if she knows what that means. i wasn't allowed to do much. i hardly ever left the house more than to just go to a friend's house for a few hours or the occasional trip to the mall. and even those were battles. i didn't smoke, drink, do drugs. and forget about boys. although i can't blame my parents completely. i don't know where it came from but there was always such a fear in me to break any kind of rules. i was afraid of getting in trouble, sure, but it was more than that. (issues for another day.)
needless to say, i did not have the experiences - healthy, completely normal experiences - that most teenagers do. and in my opinion, should. it's not like i was one of those robot offspring children that exceeded, or even lived up to, what was desired (doing well in school, excelling in... anything really). but i also never really acted out or did anything drastic (beyond crying and begging to be allowed to have more freedom - which was never granted, btw.) i never seized any opportunity to do anything i really wanted to. maybe it became habit or something, idk, but that inaction carried through into my early adult years. i had such plans. but i never did any of it. not because anyone told me not to or i was being held back. i just didn't try.
i often tell people that i was in a mental and emotional coma for the last ten years (lately i'm thinking it may be even longer than that. maybe always.), but that i have just "woken up" within the last few years. part of this means that i've been really thinking about all the things i've previously believed, not just about myself but in general, and challenging whether or not they are really true. i've "discovered" a lot of things about myself recently. or changed my mind about them.
i grew up hearing i was "rebellious", the typical middle child, a "difficult personality". it's been a burden. to some extent, i think it's true. i do have a lot of quirks that make me... unique ;) (maybe odd is a more appropriate word.) and i have personality traits that can be difficult to deal with. i am waaaaaay beyond insecure. i am a praise junkie and i seek reassurance and validation constantly. i always question, or just flat-out don't believe, people when they compliment me. i think people are just lying when they say they like me. and i'm always waiting for the people who do seem to like me to get sick of me or bored or whatever the case maybe. i take every teeny tiny slight against me as a confirmation of my belief that i am unlikeable and not worth being around. most of the time, i feel pathetic and borderline psychotic. how COULD anyone like me?
so... tonight it just occurred to me to question this. i'm wondering how much of this is truth and how much is self-fulfilling prophecy of the label my mother gave me? i KNOW my emotionally neediness and the desire to obsessively rehash things over and over pushes people away, but how much of that is inherent and how much is learned? how much of my insecurity is reactionary to all the people who have hurt me? how much of "don't let it bother you" is really a choice and will the "fake it till you make it" eventually work or will i always just have to hide how deeply affected i am by the smallest of incidents?
i've always said that i don't hide anything. that i will tell anyone who will listen alllll about me and my inner demons. completely open book. ...... this is one of those things i've changed my mind on lately. i don't know if i was just deluding myself before or if i've changed but it seems that i'm actually a vault now. i am still one of my favourite topics (self-obsessed, remember? lol.) but when it really comes down to being REAL - those self-revealing things that really matter, i find i CAN'T talk about certain things. either i don't have the words or there is some sort of block where i physically can't seem to make my mouth form the words. and i find i do actually hide things about myself. like the needy, clingy, obsessive, pathetic thought patterns. it oozes out, of course. there are times where i am so overwhelmed by what's going on in my head that i just can't contain it. (you can bet if i come to you for feedback, wanting to talk about a minor incident, i've already tortured myself with it and can't take it by myself anymore.) but i do try to keep it under wraps as much as i can. it's exhausting. but i don't want to put people off or annoy them or burden them with my stupidity. i think if people really knew what i was thinking, they would laugh at me and think i was completely pathetic. they would see how crazy i really am. and then they wouldn't want to deal with me anymore because it's too tiresome.
another example, which i was just called out on tonight, was that i hide from people that i am a fan of a 'certain actor and associated movie/book franchise'. around the people that i feel will judge me for it, i don't talk about it. when i meet new people, i try to hide it from them. even when i reveal that "i'm a fan" to people who are either not involved or express only a slight interest, they have NO IDEA the full extent of my involvement and preoccupation. i only feel safe to fully enter fangirl mode with other 'superfans'. even then sometimes... it shouldn't matter. i shouldn't care. it's fun for me. i know i shouldn't let fear of being judged hold me back from having a good time. but i do. i care. and i hate it. i want to not care.
i mentioned "it all comes out in your thirties"... so, i'm turning 34 next month. and i do feel like, although i haven't done anything too crazy, i have been doing things in the past few years that are more indicative of a teenager. maybe not the acts themselves (i'm talking about tattoos, piercing, drinking/partying, refusing to "settle down" or "grow up") but the reasoning behind doing them, i guess. they are indeed things rebellious teenagers do, but they are also things that responsible adults do (including many of my friends). but i feel like maybe i'm doing all these things to push against how i'm expected (real or imagined) to act. ...i don't know how else to describe that. i just feel like i'm all of a sudden changing into a different person or doing things i wouldn't have just a few years ago. people seem to think i should be having kids, getting a job, taking better care of myself, not doing the things i mentioned, not travelling all over and prioritizing that above other things. "people"... not sure exactly who these people are, or even if it's just my perceptions of what others are thinking. or maybe that's it. maybe i'm resisting my OWN expectations of what i should be doing. or maybe i AM slowly learning not to care and just do the things i have wanted to do, regardless of what other's opinions may or may not be. one thing i've noticed is that by experiencing more and more things i held off from doing before, i am finding things out about myself that i wouldn't have otherwise. that's part of what the age hangup thing is... i feel like i should have done these "finding yourself" sorts of things a long time ago.
i spend a great deal of time thinking about things like this. i've been told before (by "professionals") that they've never met anyone who thought about their own thinking as much as i do. at the time i first heard that (yes, it's been more than once), i felt a strange sense of pride. like i was being called "smart" ...or something. but now i'm not sure how to take it. maybe it's a heightened intuitiveness in regards to how my own mind works, but it's just a way of saying self-absorbed, no? that's not a good thing. at least not unless it's paired with someone who is also extremely thoughtful when it comes to others. that's not me. i'm caring but my follow-through sucks. i forget to think of other people. i'm selfish.
again... just being negative or true? to figure it out, i need to think about it some more. ha.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
time
time is unfair. people who say 'time heals wounds' are idiots. as time passes, i forget things. events, details, words. i spent so long trying to put things put of my mind (even though it seemed impossible at the time) that i can't recall them even if i want to. not only have i lost precise details, but i've lost the vague impressions of so much too. it's just gone. but... the emotions. .... the feelings do. not. fade.
i'm left with sadness, heartache, hurt, anger, emptiness, embarrassment, resentment... and i don't remember why.
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