Monday, May 11, 2015

Lost and Found

a playlist by kmah88~  

awhile ago (probably like 6 months or more), a few friends and i were talking about music and playlists and how they affect our emotions and blah blah blah. this was when i was on my whole oprah kick and inspiration and all that crap was one of my main focuses. i took on the personal challenge of making a playlist that summed up how i feel about life and where i am, spiritually speaking. at first, it was just going to be a list of "inspirational music" - that stuff that pumps you up when you need a kick, but as with most things, it turned into a more self-reflective thing. (i did actually make that playlist too, but it's only narrowed down to 121 songs atm.)
i was speaking to another friend the other day and was saying how i think a lot of people think i'm still where i was a few years ago. truth is, i feel like i've grown a little (even though just saying that makes me feel like i have a lot of maturing left to do) and "i'm okay". 
i've battled depression for many years and all the dark thoughts that come along with that, and even with the bad days that are still in abundance, i feel like i'm much better equipped at dealing with them and have learned a little about how to appreciate good things in life. i have even experienced momentary feelings of actual joy here and there. that's a plus. but the best part about that is that i KNOW those moments are fleeting and i have learned to just take them in, experience them, fully feel them, and because i know they come and go, i don't fear anymore that they are short-lived. they will fall away again but i know they will come back. and equally, the bad feelings will do the same. so, there's that.

and here it is~
the LOST AND FOUND playlist

in this specific order, it sort of shows the evolution of my emotions through the past few years. starts out sort of dark, lost, apathetic, etc. and gets a little more hopeful and maybe a little less self-absorbed/more looking to something deeper as it goes. (i'm already fully aware how lame it is, trying to put it into words, so don't laugh at me to much.)

1. elliott smith – between the bars
“with the things you could do
you won't but you might
the potential you'll be
that you'll never see
the promises you'll only make”
not living up to potential, empty, broken promises, ignoring it all and pushing it all off until 'later'.... yeah. story of my life

2. bobby long – a passing tale
“i'm lost to this world and i don't know why…
…and i've kinda hit the floor
i'm reaching for something more”

those lyrics specifically sum up how lost i feel sometimes, as bobby tends to do (even if he didn't mean it that way)

3. massive attack (feat. elizabeth fraser)  teardrop
“you're stumbling a little
you're stumbling a little”
for this one, it's more about the music itself. the pulse, like a heartbeat on life support...

4. muse – save me
“hold me 'cause i'm sure i'm hated
promises, they are overrated
wait just a while
while i'm drowning in denial”

sometimes you want someone to bring you out of yourself and save you. 

5. evanescence – bring me to life
“i've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without thought, without voice, without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life
…save me from the nothing i’ve become”
this song has been my anthem. i felt that i was dead inside and often describe a good chunk of my life as like being in an emotional coma.

6. queen – the show must go on
“the show must go on, yeah
inside my heart is breaking
my makeup may be flaking
but my smile still stays on”
the lyrics say a lot, but so does the music. it's like an apathetic look at continuing to live through pain. you go on because you have to.

7. sia – chandelier
“help me, i'm holding on for dear life
won't look down, won't open my eyes
keep my glass full until morning light
'cause i'm just holding on for tonight”
i think that's pretty self-explanatory...

8. muse – butterflies & hurricanes
“don't let yourself down
don't let yourself go
your last chance has arrived…
…your time is now”

fight or die, basically.

9. india.arie – get it together
“and now your chest burns and your back aches
from fifteen years of holding the pain
and now you only have yourself to blame
if you continue to live this way”
this one IS one of those inspirational songs. it's uplifting but also a kick in the ass.

10. avril lavigne – everybody hurts
“everybody hurts some days
it's okay to be afraid
everybody hurt
everybody screams
everybody feels this way
and it's okay
it's okay”

i used to say that it didn't make me feel better to say "i'm not the only one" ~ just because someone else might feel the same as i do, it doesn't lessen MY pain... but i've come to realize it DOES help that someone can understand. 

11. jimmy eat world – the middle
“live right now
yeah, just be yourself
it doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else”

this has been one of my biggest struggles ~ learning not to worry about what other people think and knowing that, as i am right now, i'm enough. also, the ride isn't over yet...

12. christina perri  human
“i bleed when i fall down
i'm only human
and i crash and i break down”

it's rather comforting to accept being human. perfection is not attainable or expected.

13. r. kelly – the storm is over
“i can see the sunshine
somewhere beyond the clouds”
sometimes, a little cheese is okay. ;)
i would like to think - i HOPE - the darkest parts are behind me.

14. kelly clarkson  stronger
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

...if you let it. 
this one is more about the music. it makes me wanna dance.

15. frightened rabbit – not miserable
“i'm not miserable now
no one knows
no one knows
i'm not miserable”

the first time i heard this song, i just thought 'yes'. (thanks, jenn!)

16. johnny mercer (feat. the pied pipers) –  ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive
“accentuate the positive
eliminate the negative
latch on to the affirmative”

words to live by. i believe more strongly in the law of attraction than anything else.

17. new radicals – you get what you give
“don't give up
you've got a reason to live”
another uplifting one with another message i agree with ~ you only get out of life what you put into it.

18. whitney houston – i didn’t know my own strength
“found hope in my heart
i found the light to light my way out of the dark
found all that i need here inside of me
oh, i thought i'd never find my way
i thought i'd never lift that weight
i thought i would break
i didn't know my own strength
and i crashed down and i tumbled
but i did not crumble
i got through all the pain
i didn't know my own strength”

another self-explanatory one.

19. weezer (feat. hayley williams) – rainbow connection
“i've heard it too many times to ignore it
it's something that i'm supposed to be
someday we'll find it
the rainbow connection
the lovers, the dreamers, and me”
tapping into that part of me that recognizes something deeper, even if i can't quite grasp what it is yet.

20. iz kamakawiwo'ole – somewhere over the rainbow
“and the dreams that you dare to dream
really do come true”
this version specifically because he sings it in such a wistful, carefree way. like he's already there rather than waiting for it.

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