a year in review

my mom always sends out these "newsletter" things with her holiday cards. apparently a lot of people do it. while i think it's weird, i can see the merit in the idea. it basically lets everyone you care about (and hopefully care about you) that you may not keep in regular contact with what you have been up to lately. it works for my family because we are spread out all over the country ~ the main hub of it all around the winnipeg area but also aunts, uncles, and cousins in vancouver and edmonton, a few more stragglers in other parts of ontario, manitoba, alberta, saskatchewan, and even the states. (not to mention, friends... ALL over the place, of course.) people come in and out of your life for various lengths of time but these letters are a good way to answer the question "i wonder what's new with so-and-so".
that said, i think it's incredibly dorky. but i'll do it anyway. because, overall, it's been a good year.

2013 started off with me in my last semester of ECE (early childhood education) at sheridan college. in my very first semester, i had heard of an opportunity to go to hong kong to do my third work placement (more in-depth story here, if you're interested) so i basically busted my ass to maintain my 4.0 gpa. i went through a fairly intensive interview process to be selected as one of the 8 diploma program students to go at the end of 2012. (i should have done a post for last year too. it was awesome! ;) anyway...)
i finished up classes in early april, then spent 2 weeks preparing for the month-long trip to china.
hong kong was exciting, a ton of fun, scary at times, very difficult at others, and perhaps even life-alternating. one day, i plan to actually update the hong kong blog i made and then you can read all about it, if you are so inclined.
a few days after returning, we had our graduation ceremony. in general, i found college to be pretty easy, academically. but some aspects were really hard ~ going to classes everyday, doing my homework, staying on top of things, handing assignments in on time. i tend to give up on things and never stick to anything for very long. graduation for me signified that i had actually done it. i had completed something. probably for the first time in my life. (little known fact, i TECHNICALLY didn't even really "finish" high school.) and not only had i finished the program, i did it with high honours. i was sort of proud of myself.

a few other great memories were made during the first half if the year. i saw weezer in concert (again) in detroit and met 3 of the 4 members (and their fanboy/historian/buddy karl) after the show, got their autographs on a setlist, and chatted with them a bit. that was awesome! i got to see both green day and muse in concert for the first (hopefully not only) time. AND, huge highlight, hubby accompanied me to see both marcus foster and bobby long play (different times) in toronto. at that point, i had only been a fan of both of them for less than a year. i had never seen either of them live before but listened to their music pretty much all day every day. after that, i only needed to add seeing sam bradley in person to that list...

with summer, came my "relaxing" time (which has continued until the present, even though it was only supposed to be a few weeks).
a few noteworthy things happened ~ there was a fun date-day with hubby at the zoo, my friend jodi, who i hadn't seen since fancamp, came to visit, and i somewhat stalked the set of a movie my favourite actor was filming in toronto. (can't wait to own it on dvd and squeal and be able to say i was standing right outside when that scene comes on.)

one typically boring day at the very end of july, my friend brina and i were discussing the upcoming san diego and LA shows bobby long was about the do, still on his extensive tour i had caught the beginning of. we were saying how great it would be to be able to see him together one day. she pointed out that i wasn't doing anything and i did still have a bit of money left... then she just happened to hint that it had been floating around the internet that sam bradley was in town and would probably be at the LA show too... there was a lull in the conversation and she finally said "you're looking up flight info right now, aren't you?" indeed i was. i made a very short visit to san deigo (through buffalo and vegas... craziness ensued. both ways. including an unexpected night over in vegas on the way home in which i had to wash my clothes with shampoo in a hotel room sink and dry them over a lamp.) i got to stay with brina, who i also hadn't seen since fancamp, for a few days and catch both bobby's shows ...and, yes, i did meet sam bradley. ('another guy' was in attendance, but i didn't meet him. i didn't even want to. not that night, anyway.) 
i can't quite go into detail about meeting sam, but it was SO MUCH MORE than i ever expected. we talked for a few minutes, even mentioned my tattoo. but the best part was being with brina the whole time, because without her imparting her musical knowledge to me, i wouldn't even know who sam was. and witnessing that in person... amazing! (i won't embarrass brina further than that.)

september was busy! hubby and i went to san francisco/oakland, with a 2-day stop in monterrey, for his cousin, noelle's wedding, which was lovely. it was so great to be able to spend that time with his family. i wish we had been able to go back again in october for noelle's sister, vanessa's wedding too!
from sf, i flew directly (sans hub) to portland, oregon, to meet up with my twigirls for our forks adventure. i had just seen brina the month before, and jodi in june, but miranda and deena, not since fancamp, and kristin, not ever! it was long overdue. and adventure, it definitely was. forks was everything i wanted it to be ~ time with my friends, twifangirling, reuniting with other people i hadn't seen since LA, like jenn m and tracy (hi!), finally getting an actual picture with erik (even though it sucks just as bad as the only one from LA, just that he and jack showed up was great), and perhaps the best part ~ redeeming myself by being able to hold my alcohol this time... unlike some. :) 
no, the best part was meeting stephenie meyer. to meet the creator of my obsession IN the holy land... indescribable. and i almost missed it. but thanks to my PE (pocket edward, for those who don't know), she actually called me back over to take a picture with her. 
i also got to meet some more great friends who i wouldn't want to be without in my life now. tami, jenn b, angie ~ ily! < 3  
i was very sad to have to go home again and i wish every day that i lived closer to all these wonderful people. 

i realize, this has turned very bloggy, instead of newslettery. i tend to start being cryptic and speaking only directly to certain people when talking about twilight-related stuff. i figure most people aren't interested.
if you stopped reading out of boredom, you can come back now. :P

the rest of the year has been quiet. i just finished level 1 of a wilton cake decorating class with my friend, geena, and we are about to start level 2. that's been really fun and something somewhat creative to keep me from going insane.
i'm unemployed, broke, and bored ~ but hopefully that will all change very soon. i have many more fun "adventures" planned for 2014! 

i should also mention, 2013 held the births of two new nephews for me! my sister's son, saul, in february, and my brother's son, ben, in november. congratulations!

this is a collage i made for day 29 of the fmsphotoaday december challenge ~ "best bit of 2013".
it hits pretty much everything i mentioned, so i thought i'd add it.

p.s. i forgot to mention that i also got 2 new tattoos this year. yay. (both have their own blog posts ~ here and here.)

tattoo #5

i'm sure you realize by now i'm a bit of a twilight fan. 
okay... "bit" might be downplaying it a little. a lot. whatever.
yeah. completely obsessed? fine. whatever you say.
so, it's only natural i should get ink to proclaim my love, right? (just agree. twihards can't be argued with.)

as with all my tattoos, i thought about what i wanted for a long time. and, like how most of the other ones happened, the timing on finally getting it was completely on a whim.

the original plan was to get it done with my twilight buddies when we were visiting "the holy land" (forks, wa) this past september. it would have been PERFECT. alas, there was no time.
but, like all my others, the timing and situation of actually placing ink to body is just as important as the tattoo itself.

last year sometime, a few school friends and i started planning this epic twilight marathon during which i was to initiate a twi-virgin into my world. (he heard me speak of my love day after day and thought maybe he should check them out to see what is so great about them.) this day was finally nailed down to wednesday. it was all arranged. the four of us who spent all our time in school together were going to sit down and watch as much of the 5 movies as they could handle in one sitting. the problem? he, twi-virgin boy, was sick and missed the whole day. (the other 2 girls still came over though.) so instead of watching the movies allllll day, we went out to get food. while out, one of them thought that should be the day she finally got her tragis pierced after chickening out 5 times already.

 

to bolster her resolve, i said i'd do mine too. or, if she preferred, i'd get a tattoo. they both LOVED that idea. so off we went to art addictions in the brampton mall. (then we went back to my house and watched the first two movies before they crapped out on me. J)

as for the meaning behind the actual tattoo, it's the very last word in the last book of the twilight series. (the font is actually taken directly from a screenshot of my ebook.) it's also the tag line of the last movie. the words from the book actually make an on-screen appearance and start off a (very touching) farewell montage. subsequently, forever (with a period) became iconic for the fandom.

apart from my twilight fixation, it is also serving as a reminder for me to not be so cynical. some things can last. or so i really want to believe.




forever. on my inner right wrist.

edward's bd2 forever promo poster

newest tattoo

while i was in hong kong, i got another tattoo. this makes 4 (which will have to be remedied soon!). i was if-y about sharing it with anyone because, as most tattoos generally are, it's personal, and i don't think that comes across without explanation. and who wants to be explaining all the time ~ if anyone even bothers to ask without judging first.
but, whatever, i did it for me. no one else. if you are wondering though, here is as much as i feel like sharing with you:

i got four words (actually five... but... who cares). they are song lyrics. the words are "distant, disconnected, far away, unaffected". the lyrics are by sam bradley from his song "the man you need". the reason they are personally significant to me don't really have too much to do with the actual meaning of the song. well, a bit...
the song is from the point of view of someone in a relationship who feels he will never be what the other person needs but they are together because they love each other anyway. so... there's that, which does fit.
but i chose these exact words as a reminder to myself. you may or may not know the struggles i've had with depression and related crap in my life. i lived for at least a decade with my head in a fog and just coasting through everything. existing, not living. i was behaving as though those words were my mantra. more recently, i've decided that's no way to be. i've been trying to make changes. be more present, be a better friend, wife, sister, and person in general.
the font is important too. i got the most important people in my life to each write a word. they each represent the side of me i want to change. "distant" was written by hubby. that he was first was no mistake. he is the most important person to me. my most important person. also, i had distanced myself from him for too long. i almost lost him. things are not yet perfect but we're working on it.
"disconnected" was written by my sister. i love my sister more than anything but there has always been a disconnect between us that i hate and want to work towards being closer.
"far away" was written by nephie (and helped by my niece). they represent family as a whole (as well as children in general ~ the children i may teach and the children i don't yet have). i live very far from my extended family. and i haven't taken the time to keep them in my life as i should. we all know how important family is ~ no need to go over that. i've taken my family for granted. that should never happen.
the final word, "unaffected" was written by my longtime, very good friend. she has always been there for me, even though i've never deserved it. over the years, i've been a terrible friend. i lost most of the friends i used to have due to my behaviour. i've acted like my friends meant nothing to me and losing them or missing out on important things in their lives didn't affect me. it's easier sometimes to pretend that you don't care rather than face reality, admit mistakes, and ask for forgiveness. i always want to be the kind of friend that she has been to me.

maybe having this inked permanently on my ribs where i will see it everyday will help me be the person i want to be.

oh, and i did it in hong kong to serve as a commemoration of my trip and to act as a turning point in my life. also, sam bradley lived in hong kong for three years as a young child ~ like the age of the ones i was just there teaching, which is kinda cool.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

it was done by zac at zink tattoos in tsim sha tsui, hong kong.

here's the song. it's my favourite. sam is awesome.

i'm a closet twilight fan... shh! don't tell anyone

and... embarrassingly, i wrote a fanfiction thing. one night when i couldn't sleep, i made up a little scenario and i thought it was cute. i couldn't remember it exactly... too bad. but this is close enough. it's a "what if" story ~ i was planning on posting it to fanfiction.net but i just signed up and they make you wait 2 days before posting for the first time. argh. so i thought i'd put it here. not that it really matters. no one reads this blog anyway! haha

so suppose alice had never seen bella jump off the cliff. then after bella almost kisses jacob in her truck, there is no vampire for him to sense. so he walks her to her door and then runs off to track victoria. ...and that's where my story begins.

I watched Jacob's form disappear into the darkness. I knew I was safe for the moment but I felt uneasy outside on the steps alone so I quickly walked into the house and shut the door behind me. I fumbled for the light switch and made my way to the couch. Not bothering to remove my shoes or jacket, I plopped myself down with a deep sigh.

I needed to stop this behaviour. He was gone. Forever. He would never come back to me. And chasing these delusions was going to get me killed. It was stupid. Although I knew it was only my subconscious creating his voice in my head, I did believe that wherever he was, he would want me to be happy.

And I couldn't go on hurting Jacob this way. I knew I would die now if he left me too. If I kept pushing him away, that's exactly what was going to happen.

Could I possibly create some sort of happiness with Jake? I knew I had to make a choice. And I knew the right answer. The healthy choice.

I closed my eyes and did what I had not allowed myself to do consciously in many months. I conjured up the best image of Edward's face that I could. One last look. Tears slid from my eyes. It was time to let go.

"Goodbye, Edward," I whispered.

I sat their motionless for several moments. Then I took a deep breath, opened my eyes and wiped my cheeks dry.

I wasn't sure how to proceed. I knew I would have to wait until the morning before I could go to see Jacob. He was out hunting Victoria. But all I really wanted was for him to be with me right now.

And then Jacob was there, standing at the door. I flew to it and threw it open.

"Jake, what are you doing here?" I gasped.

He casually strode into the living room.

"Well, I didn't catch any fresh trails and Quil and Embry are out there anyway. I didn't think it was right to leave you alone right now." He peered down at me, evaluating my expression. I smiled back at him, relief evident all over my face.

"I'm glad you came back." I sat back down on the couch and he joined me.

"Were you scared? Don't worry, Bells. You're safe. I won't let her get anywhere near you," Jacob promised earnestly.

"No, I just wanted to see you again."

He laughed loudly. "You miss me already?" His grin was huge and then it softened and his eyes turned more serious. "Bella," he said gently, "I'm not going to keep pressuring you. I just want you to know…" He hesitated as if searching for the right words.

We were sitting very close together. I was hyperaware of the proximity. He reached up to my face and delicately brushed his hand across my cheek. His eyes were penetrating. "I'll wait," he stated simply.

I stared back into his deep brown eyes, so full of caring and acceptance. I would never be good enough for Jacob. But I would try.

"Jake, I…" I didn't know how to state what I wanted to say. I slowly leaned my face closer to his. My heart was beating audibly. If I could hear it, there was no doubt his extra sensitive ears picked up on it as well. His breathing hitched and came more quickly as he realized my intention. He jerked forward, narrowing the gap between us further and then paused less than an inch away, hesitating. Maybe he thought I would pull away again, but I was resolved. He sucked in a sharp breath. He was going to wait for me to make the move. Jacob wanted this to be my choice. I closed my eyes and my lips touched his.

The kiss was not what I was expecting. His lips were full and soft and warm. He was tender and gentle. The sweetness of the moment caught me off guard. My hands seemed to move of their own accord, reaching up slowly and resting softly on the back of his neck. I felt him tremble slightly at my touch. I pulled him nearer. His strong hands moved around my waist. He clutched me closely, pressing his palms to the small of my back, warming me to my core.

The way our lips moved together was strange and new to me. I liked it. I was unnerved. I had anticipated that I would be but the reason was not what I had imagined. I had thought kissing someone else would feel like a betrayal to my heart… but it didn't. And I wasn't kissing just anybody. I was kissing Jacob. As the rightness of the situation settled upon me, I felt just how powerful the feelings I had for Jacob had become. He was no longer just my best friend. He was much more. I had let go of the wall I had placed between us and allowed myself to feel what had been evolving over the past few weeks, what I had pushed out of the realm of acknowledgment as I had clung desperately to my past. My fear of pain had blinded me to the fact that I had fallen for Jacob.

For different reasons, neither Jacob nor I was prepared for my reaction. All the emotions that I was feeling poured out of me. I pressed my lips more urgently against his and pulled him as close as I could manage. He breathing became almost panting and he let out a very quiet moan. His arms, like constrictors, wrapped around me. The intensity increased exponentially until we had to break apart in order to breathe. He kept his face impossibly close, running the tip of his nose and his lips up and down my jaw line. His breathing was still rough and uneven.

"Bella," he whispered in my ear, "I love you."

teenagers

People SHOULD fall in love in their late teens. That’s when people are at their most idealistic. When anything is possible. When emotions run their strongest. When love can truly be appreciated and felt wholly. I always thought, even when I was one, that the impetuousness of the age left teenagers unable to truly know what they want. I was wrong. They know what they want and when they want, they really and truly ache to have it. Yes, thoughts, feelings, ideals do change but that isn't unique to teenagers. It’s just natural and nothing lasts forever. But enjoy it as long as you have it and with everything you have within you. Besides, the potency of the memories you’ll create at that heightened emotional stage will be what keeps you going when you have nothing left.

anxiety

i’ve been feeling really anxious lately and i don’t know why. i’ve been off medication for about a year now. i’ve had my ups and downs for sure but, on the whole, i’ve been doing okay. i know that’s because i was on a schedule. my life turns upside down (when it comes to sleeping, i mean that literally) when i don’t follow a routine. i finished working full-time on june 30^th. right away, we went on our mini-holiday to montreal. (check out my video i posted on youtube of me getting a hug from rivers cuomo!) in mid-july, we also went to visit jay’s family in edmonton for 10 days too. other than those 2 trips and the few days i’ve been working (occasional wednesdays to help out with field trips), summer has been a complete disaster. i started with such high hopes and aspirations. i wanted to work out and do a lot of cleaning. i wanted to get things done! working out? nothing… i spent one day cleaning and, surprisingly, got quite a bit done but that was it for that too. this wednesday is officially my last day at work. then i have absolutely nothing stopping me from my destructive behaviour for the rest of the summer. (ugh, i have to write a thank-you letter to my boss by then too!)

just how bad is it? for example, as you might have read in the past few posts, i didn’t sleep at all friday night. i woke up at 4pm on friday and stayed up for more than 24 hours. i felt shaky and my eyes felt like they were on fire. i finally crashed on the couch around 6 or 6:30, i think, but woke up around 9:30 or 10 to hang out with jay for a bit before we went up to bed at about 1am. so, that was saturday. i spent all that time at the kitchen table “playing” with blogs. i really did just sit there barely moving for, like, 22 hours. i got up to make tea and to pee. today is sunday, right? well, it’s almost 4am so i guess it’s monday now. i woke up today at 1:30 when tay called and i talked to him for half an hour. i didn’t get out of bed. i had such a headache I went back to sleep. (oh yeah, there was a thunderstorm so i told jay to come up and we’d have a little snuggle until he had to get ready for work.) when jay left for work, i woke up to say bye and then stayed asleep until 8pm. when i finally came downstairs, i sat down on the couch. aside from putting away the dishes from the dishwasher and doing one load of laundry, i haven’t much moved from this spot. who knows when i’ll get up and go back to bed. jay will be pretty mad or at least disappointed if it isn’t soon. that’s pretty much typical of how the summer has been.

but this anxiety thing, like i mentioned, is bothering me. i feel like i have a lot of things i need to be doing. but when i’m in bed, i think to myself that i really have no reason to get up because i’ll just be sitting on the couch doing nothing which is not very appealing either. even now, i could be doing things i want to get done but i’m not. i use the excuse that jay is trying to sleep so i shouldn’t make noise and disturb him. but it’s just that~ if i was cleaning or something, he wouldn’t care. so, when i do finally go to bed, i can’t sleep. of course cause i slept too much already. but even when i’m tired and want to sleep, i toss and turn because i get these anxious feelings that jerk me awake and make my stomach hurt. lately it’s been about not writing an complaint email to j-list for owing me items from two orders from over 6 months ago. i’ve been putting it off for that long and now i feel sick about it. it’s gone beyond that nagging feeling. it’s little things like that that are bothering me. nothing important.

summer is almost over. i really only have around 15-20 days left. 3 of those, i have to do stuff for school. go to 2 orientation things and go to install something on my laptop. gotta get my student card one of those days too. (these things are also causing me anxiety.)

i know it’ll be a good thing for me to be in school ~ have a routine again. but i’m worried. my track record for school is not the greatest. especially when it comes to ece. plus, it’s more like a high school routine rather than in university when i had a class here and there. if it’s anything like when i took it in winnipeg, i’ll be there all day every day from like 8 to 3 or something. and then i’ll have placements too. ugh. i don’t think the work will be difficult (it wasn’t the first time) but i have a habit of not doing it regardless. i know it sounds like i’m defeating myself before i even start. i don’t want to think that way. especially when i know what i do about the law of attraction! i want to be excited about “this new stage in my life” as jay put it.

i had 2 fortune cookies recently and they were both similar in their messages. i didn’t keep them so i don’t remember the exact wording but on said something like “you are capable of accomplishing great things when you put your mind to it” and the other… oh, i can’t remember but something about how i can work really hard. i’ve always thought of myself as someone who puts in the bare minimum work and just goes with the flow. that isn’t a good way to be! i want to change that. maybe i should have kept the fortunes… 

my NEXT next tattoo

i thought i should update my previous post about my tattoos. i did actually get that tattoo i mentioned and in the exact manner i described.
                                
i did it again spontaneously. it happened almost the same way the first one did. at the same place too. yonge street tattoos in toronto. it was just over a year ago. i was downtown with a friend (different friend this time though) and we walked past and i said i wanted to go in to ask how much it would cost for that approximate tat. turned out i would just get it done right then and there. it was kind of dumb that i did it that way though because i obviously didn't have a reference material with me. so it's in my own writing. but, in a way, that's kind of cool. it has a few "glitches" in it which i meant to go get touched up but as i said, it's been over a year now.
even though i really thought out the placement and everything, i still think this one ended up a little lower than i'd like. oh well~ it's still pretty cool, i think!

i already have my next planned out! if you know anything about me, you know i'm a huge weezer fan ~ so what better than the flying w?!


if not just the =w=, then i would combine it somehow with this little guy from the pinkerton cover (and famous woodblock print "kambara yoru no yuki" by hiroshige) to add a little originality. or maybe the 2 separately? who knows. i do know i want the =w= on my inner wrist but i was thinking the guy could go on my ankle or something. more planning neccessary.


another idea i had was getting the torii on my ankle. just a small one, only like an inch square. every tattoo means something or marks some milestone, right? so this would be my reward for finally going to japan~



hubby actually took this picture.
it's before the entrance to fushimi inari taisha.

i mentioned in the other post that i was thinking about getting the kanji for loyalty as a tramp stamp. i think i've got enough kanji for now! i used to be a big fan of miami ink and chris garver's work. i thought it would be awesome if jay and i could take a trip down there and get him to do an artful piece for me. i like the symbolism of the lotus. you know~ beauty growing out of crap. i thought i would like a realistic style lotus with a stem with a greenish black quagmire (i mean cess pool... idk if quagmire is the right word... i just thought it would be my only opportunity to use it in a sentence!) swirling around the stem. but, i promised myself i would rise above my shortcomings before doing it. or else the symbolism is lost. it'll be my reward. i'm almost there~

                                            

lack of sleep makes you do weird things

i never went to bed last night. of course, i didn't wake up until around 4pm yesterday so it's not like i'm exhausted but the human body (at least the over-30 body) was not made for being awake during the dark hours and stay awake throughout the next day. it's 11:35am right now. i'm on my second cup (GIANT cup) of tea and i have the "i-haven't-slept-yet" shakes. my mental functions might be a little whack too ~but i can't tell since i'm not objective.
so, what does one do while they're up all night? find their old waste-of-cyberspace blogs and read the old posts. apparently, i had a live journal account that i actually wrote in. i completely forgot about it. now that i think of it, i can't even remember how i got there tonight... i couldn't remember my username either and the email linked to it is no longer. eventually, i figured it out. i am and have always been a creature of habit so there are really only half a dozen names it could have been. the password was the easy part.
it's actually a culmination of several pre-blog era blogs. online journals, as they were called. i had many accounts on several sites that no longer exist. i had a bebo account, hi5 (does that still exist?), asianavenue, etc. there also used to be this msn community thing. long before i had my geocities website (god, i miss that!), i made this community. it was actually pretty cool. well, i didn't make it. it was a template that you just filled out basic stuff. not even as complex as geocities. but i made good use of it! i seem to remember they sent out a warning that they were going to shut it down, just like geocities did so i copied all the postings i and my "members" had made and added them to my live journal account by back dating them. i did that with the other accounts too just so everything would be all in one place.
i'm thinking that i would like to do the same here. i mean, move all the stuff from live journal to here. i don't use it anyway (except i did today ~ just for fun).
well, if you see any entries older than april 19, 2005, that's what i did. ...i wonder if you can backdate that far?

Current Location: same place i've been for the past 12 hours
Current Mood: twitchy
Current Music: still weezer

celebrity crush

is it possible to love someone you have never met? i don't mean someone you just haven't met in person like online dating or something. i mean a person you've never connected with personally. as in a celebrity. is it possible to really love someone you don't really know?
an actor? probably not, right? because you rarely see them being themselves.
but what about a musician? listening to someone's words they wrote themselves in their own voice, you really feel like you get to know them. but how much of it is truth? how much of what is in what they say really how they feel and not just a fabrication or persona? i wonder if it's really possible...

sometimes the words you sing and the way you sing them make me feel i understand a little something about you ~ and i really like what i feel. i think we're a lot the same. when i feel loving towards you that way, i can almost love myself then too.

gazen parapara gakuen

i've gotten fat lately... maybe if i start doing parapara, i can take off the extra padding~

crafty hobby

i was introduced to fimo (polymer clay) when i was a teenager. i bought a few packages but never made anything. in fact, the clay got too hard and dried out. but a few years ago, my neice emily got her mom's old collection out and started making little figures. (she's quite talented~) so during a visit, i got back into it. last year, my husband bought me a new collection.

i've made a few little things but nothing special so far.

lately, i've had a few images in my head so i thought working them out in fimo might be interesting. last night, i decided to give it a go... i only got as far as mixing some colour combos. i did that for about 2 and a half hours! ...it came at a price.

my arm is killing me!! i can't even move it. the bandage is the only thing that keeps the muscle from throbbing.

and i only ended up making three beads!

untapped potential??

people are always telling me "you have so much potential"... i would like someone to tell me how exactly i can tap into this! do you ever see such wonderful, creative works of art that SHOULD inspire you to want to create something wonderful yourself but instead just feel defeated before you even begin? i THINK i have some marvelous things wandering around in my brain but it's very foggy up there and i can quite see them clearly. i only see these things in fleeting glimpses... so frustrating and a bit discouraging! i know they're in there but i don't know how to get them out~
i've been looking at a lot of polymer clay stuff and i'd like to attempt doing something more than my basic nintendo and studio ghibli charcters (although i must say, they turn out pretty cute). there is such amazing detail that people put into their creations that i feel... defeated. yup. that's the perfect word. (check out this as a gateway to what i'm talking about ~ http://polymerclaydaily.com)
sometimes, i think i could draw out what i see inside the murkiness of my head but it never turns out. aaaaaaaargh. what to do to let this "creative potential" out into the real world....
ever wonder what it must be like inside the brain of tim burton or hayao miyazaki? it must be so clear and bright and vivid. they are my imaginative gurus! oh, to be able to make the visions tactile~ what bliss eludes me!

but i still have more to say~

i can't write in nice and neatly packaged sentences so i'll just put down some thoughts...

as a parent, i don't want to be controlling and obsessed with all the details. i don't want to miss the big picture. i want my children to grow up healthy, happy, and secure. i want to seek that delicate balance between being oblivious and hyper-vigilant. i don't want to worry about every little thing they put in their mouths. i don't want my life to add up to only the number of straws i poked through juice boxes or how many underroos i washed. i want what every good parent wants but i don't want to end up like most parents... and i don't want my kids to end up like most kids.

motherhood... looks freakin' scary!

i'm watching the movie "motherhood"... it's scaring the crap out of me!! i don't want to be like that!! omg...
my husband and i are trying to start our own family. the timing is good and everything and i do want a baby but......... it's so scary!!!!!
i wish i could be eloquent and then i would blog regularily.... i have so much going on in my head.... i don't know who originally wrote/said this but it sums it up "my thoughts are many; my words are few"
my words don't flow the same way my feelings do so i'm going to leave it at that...

an honest email

of course, we've all had this sent to us before but i decided to post it here because... it's so true~

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Children... You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 18 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

thoughts~

i wonder how you're doing
i wonder if you're happy
i wonder if you ever think of me

i was just looking over my previous posts... i thought it was funny that i wrote before i was married that i wanted a baby and didn't want to wait 3 or 4 years. it's been 3 or 4 years ~
i went through a phase of wanting a baby for a few months, then went back to not for a few years...
so, we've passed the idea back and forth since that last post. many pros and cons but we're at the point that we've decided to go ahead with it...
we got married in 2007 and bought a house a few months later, so that's out of the way.
another thing that i wanted to do before having children was to fulfill my dream of going to japan. i orginally wanted to go for an extended period of time but it's better to go for a visit than not at all. since i'm not currently working and we do have a mortgage to deal with... i was thinking i would have to get a part time job and work for a year or two and then finally be able to go BUT when jay and i were talking about it last month, he agreed that we should go soon. i was going to go next month with a friend but she's pregnant (ironically) and i didn't want to go by myself... jay had promised before we got married that we would go together one day, thinking five years from then, because we weren't going on a honeymoon.
soooooo ~ we plan to go in may for our 3rd anniversary as our honeymoon AND will actively "start trying" when we return... but i've stopped taking BC so if it happens before then.......

p.s. i also just found out my sister is currently 11 weeks with her second ~ yay!

Christmas Gift Giving Ideas~

The Christmas season is coming... soon! I am always a last minute person (not just for buying gifts!) so I've started to think about what to give each person on my list. (I ALMOST wish people would stop getting married and having kids ~ the list is always expanding!!)
I've always thought that a gift says not only a lot about you but also what you think about the person you are giving it to. I don't have a problem, per se, with giving or recieving gift cards/certificates (especially from a favourite store) but... I don't think it's "impersonal" as everyone says or "thoughtless" but it seems to say "I don't know you very well". (BTW, If anyone wants to get me some gc's, I wouldn't mind both Lululemon and Chapters!! haha)
Anyway, I'm trying to think of some inspired gift giving ideas... I have some people who are quite difficult. (as in, I don't "know" them very well and don't want to give them gift cards!)
I've only come up with one so far but it could work for more than one person. I have decided, in the spirit of giving, to share it with readers so that you may use it too, if you wish.
I like to call it "The Uplifting Book". I have a feeling that it would be best given to the women in your lives ~ wives, sisters, mothers, daughters, friends, etc.
Buy one of those books with blank pages (one would call it a journal...) ~ something with an inspirational quotes on the cover. Chapters/Indigo has some nice ones. You know ~ the ones that say "dance like no ones watching..." On the inside cover, write your Merry Christmas/Happy Ramadan/Channukah/Kwanza/whatever message. The next page, the purpose of the book ~ which is to fill its blank pages with things you find uplifting. Suggest things that can fill it with ~ quotes, memories, lists of top 5's (favourite places to go, songs, smells, etc.), "what matters most to me", "nice things people have said about me" (you can fill in)... Whatever you can think of. I think it's also sweet to randomly open to a page and make a template for one of those ideas... Do several. (The books I'm thinking of are pretty thick anyway).
And, if you WANT to give a gift certificate... put it inside the book!

So.... what do you think would make a great, thoughtful gift? Reply please!

The Secret

I’m watching the first twenty minutes of The Secret on YouTube… I believe in the law of attraction ~ but more so how your thoughts are projected through your body language and facial expression. ie. negative thinking will attract negativity because you exude it ~ confidence makes people respect you…
I’ve been a negative person. I’ve often thought things like, “I have nothing to offer” or “My friends don’t care about me”, etc. These thoughts have indeed manifested. Even if it was a little bit before, it has gotten worse since I was focused on it. So, I have an idea. A lot of therapists tell you to repeat positive things over and over and then you will begin to believe them. So, in order to “empower” myself as they are saying, I want to write a short mantra or perhaps a few and print them out, post them, and read them out loud to myself everyday. Sort of an audio visual board. I made my vision board on my computer desktop as Oprah suggested but I haven’t believed it was possible. But, with repetitive statements about myself, it seems simpler. I’m thinking statements like “I am a good friend.”, “I have the strength to stick to a healthy routine.”
Meditation will also be beneficial, I think. No meditation that yogis do but just picking a happy thought, listening to a powerful piece of music and just holding onto it and pushing all else from my mind. Picture myself being how I want to be. Unlike the people in this film, I don’t want power, tons of money, etc. My main goals are happiness, health, harmony, and love. I want to lead a simple lifestyle, low on stress. I want to have meaningful connections with people. I want to make an impact on the world not so my name will be known but so people in general are happier and more considerate of others. I want to help in the healing of the earth. 
I will begin tomorrow (well, technically today! Haha ~ it’s already almost 5 am). I’m not going to make a long list of things I want to do… because I don’t want to feel badly about myself if I can’t check them off. I’m simply going to write down 3 “mantras” to say to myself once a day (or more, if I feel like it), print them out and post them somewhere I’ll see them. To start with, how about “I am in a good mood”, “Today is a good day”, “I am blessed”. Simple enough, right?
…I wonder what types of things Kate Gosselin has posted around her house these days. She used to have a lot of that. I really feel for her and truly admire her integrity throughout the past year. (I have so much to say about it all but now is not the time…) One written “vision” I can add for now is that I want to have a good conversation with Kate Gosselin someday. I like her and hope she and her children go on to have happy, peaceful lives. 

babies on the brain

I want to have a baby… but I want to be ready. I know I will never feel that way so I’m wondering if it’s something that I should just allow to happen. I’m afraid… of so many things. I don’t want to bring a baby into this world for selfish reasons. Yes, I want to love someone. I do love people but a child is different. Your own child is different… I want to watch someone grow for their whole life. I want to pass on my values and ideals. I want to see Jay as a father. I want … purpose. Really, what IS a good reason to have a child?

I’m afraid that I will be too inconsistent. I’m afraid I will slack off. I’m afraid I will put myself ahead of my child. I’m afraid of childbirth!! I’m afraid of the emotional scars that I will create. I’m afraid my child will get into bad things.

When is a good time? Should I still go to school first? Should I go to Japan? Should I try to find a job I love? Should I be in peak physical shape? Do I HAVE to be? Is there anyone or thing that can give me answers to these questions? What if I make the wrong choices….