i'm a closet twilight fan... shh! don't tell anyone

and... embarrassingly, i wrote a fanfiction thing. one night when i couldn't sleep, i made up a little scenario and i thought it was cute. i couldn't remember it exactly... too bad. but this is close enough. it's a "what if" story ~ i was planning on posting it to fanfiction.net but i just signed up and they make you wait 2 days before posting for the first time. argh. so i thought i'd put it here. not that it really matters. no one reads this blog anyway! haha

so suppose alice had never seen bella jump off the cliff. then after bella almost kisses jacob in her truck, there is no vampire for him to sense. so he walks her to her door and then runs off to track victoria. ...and that's where my story begins.

I watched Jacob's form disappear into the darkness. I knew I was safe for the moment but I felt uneasy outside on the steps alone so I quickly walked into the house and shut the door behind me. I fumbled for the light switch and made my way to the couch. Not bothering to remove my shoes or jacket, I plopped myself down with a deep sigh.

I needed to stop this behaviour. He was gone. Forever. He would never come back to me. And chasing these delusions was going to get me killed. It was stupid. Although I knew it was only my subconscious creating his voice in my head, I did believe that wherever he was, he would want me to be happy.

And I couldn't go on hurting Jacob this way. I knew I would die now if he left me too. If I kept pushing him away, that's exactly what was going to happen.

Could I possibly create some sort of happiness with Jake? I knew I had to make a choice. And I knew the right answer. The healthy choice.

I closed my eyes and did what I had not allowed myself to do consciously in many months. I conjured up the best image of Edward's face that I could. One last look. Tears slid from my eyes. It was time to let go.

"Goodbye, Edward," I whispered.

I sat their motionless for several moments. Then I took a deep breath, opened my eyes and wiped my cheeks dry.

I wasn't sure how to proceed. I knew I would have to wait until the morning before I could go to see Jacob. He was out hunting Victoria. But all I really wanted was for him to be with me right now.

And then Jacob was there, standing at the door. I flew to it and threw it open.

"Jake, what are you doing here?" I gasped.

He casually strode into the living room.

"Well, I didn't catch any fresh trails and Quil and Embry are out there anyway. I didn't think it was right to leave you alone right now." He peered down at me, evaluating my expression. I smiled back at him, relief evident all over my face.

"I'm glad you came back." I sat back down on the couch and he joined me.

"Were you scared? Don't worry, Bells. You're safe. I won't let her get anywhere near you," Jacob promised earnestly.

"No, I just wanted to see you again."

He laughed loudly. "You miss me already?" His grin was huge and then it softened and his eyes turned more serious. "Bella," he said gently, "I'm not going to keep pressuring you. I just want you to know…" He hesitated as if searching for the right words.

We were sitting very close together. I was hyperaware of the proximity. He reached up to my face and delicately brushed his hand across my cheek. His eyes were penetrating. "I'll wait," he stated simply.

I stared back into his deep brown eyes, so full of caring and acceptance. I would never be good enough for Jacob. But I would try.

"Jake, I…" I didn't know how to state what I wanted to say. I slowly leaned my face closer to his. My heart was beating audibly. If I could hear it, there was no doubt his extra sensitive ears picked up on it as well. His breathing hitched and came more quickly as he realized my intention. He jerked forward, narrowing the gap between us further and then paused less than an inch away, hesitating. Maybe he thought I would pull away again, but I was resolved. He sucked in a sharp breath. He was going to wait for me to make the move. Jacob wanted this to be my choice. I closed my eyes and my lips touched his.

The kiss was not what I was expecting. His lips were full and soft and warm. He was tender and gentle. The sweetness of the moment caught me off guard. My hands seemed to move of their own accord, reaching up slowly and resting softly on the back of his neck. I felt him tremble slightly at my touch. I pulled him nearer. His strong hands moved around my waist. He clutched me closely, pressing his palms to the small of my back, warming me to my core.

The way our lips moved together was strange and new to me. I liked it. I was unnerved. I had anticipated that I would be but the reason was not what I had imagined. I had thought kissing someone else would feel like a betrayal to my heart… but it didn't. And I wasn't kissing just anybody. I was kissing Jacob. As the rightness of the situation settled upon me, I felt just how powerful the feelings I had for Jacob had become. He was no longer just my best friend. He was much more. I had let go of the wall I had placed between us and allowed myself to feel what had been evolving over the past few weeks, what I had pushed out of the realm of acknowledgment as I had clung desperately to my past. My fear of pain had blinded me to the fact that I had fallen for Jacob.

For different reasons, neither Jacob nor I was prepared for my reaction. All the emotions that I was feeling poured out of me. I pressed my lips more urgently against his and pulled him as close as I could manage. He breathing became almost panting and he let out a very quiet moan. His arms, like constrictors, wrapped around me. The intensity increased exponentially until we had to break apart in order to breathe. He kept his face impossibly close, running the tip of his nose and his lips up and down my jaw line. His breathing was still rough and uneven.

"Bella," he whispered in my ear, "I love you."