anxiety

i’ve been feeling really anxious lately and i don’t know why. i’ve been off medication for about a year now. i’ve had my ups and downs for sure but, on the whole, i’ve been doing okay. i know that’s because i was on a schedule. my life turns upside down (when it comes to sleeping, i mean that literally) when i don’t follow a routine. i finished working full-time on june 30^th. right away, we went on our mini-holiday to montreal. (check out my video i posted on youtube of me getting a hug from rivers cuomo!) in mid-july, we also went to visit jay’s family in edmonton for 10 days too. other than those 2 trips and the few days i’ve been working (occasional wednesdays to help out with field trips), summer has been a complete disaster. i started with such high hopes and aspirations. i wanted to work out and do a lot of cleaning. i wanted to get things done! working out? nothing… i spent one day cleaning and, surprisingly, got quite a bit done but that was it for that too. this wednesday is officially my last day at work. then i have absolutely nothing stopping me from my destructive behaviour for the rest of the summer. (ugh, i have to write a thank-you letter to my boss by then too!)

just how bad is it? for example, as you might have read in the past few posts, i didn’t sleep at all friday night. i woke up at 4pm on friday and stayed up for more than 24 hours. i felt shaky and my eyes felt like they were on fire. i finally crashed on the couch around 6 or 6:30, i think, but woke up around 9:30 or 10 to hang out with jay for a bit before we went up to bed at about 1am. so, that was saturday. i spent all that time at the kitchen table “playing” with blogs. i really did just sit there barely moving for, like, 22 hours. i got up to make tea and to pee. today is sunday, right? well, it’s almost 4am so i guess it’s monday now. i woke up today at 1:30 when tay called and i talked to him for half an hour. i didn’t get out of bed. i had such a headache I went back to sleep. (oh yeah, there was a thunderstorm so i told jay to come up and we’d have a little snuggle until he had to get ready for work.) when jay left for work, i woke up to say bye and then stayed asleep until 8pm. when i finally came downstairs, i sat down on the couch. aside from putting away the dishes from the dishwasher and doing one load of laundry, i haven’t much moved from this spot. who knows when i’ll get up and go back to bed. jay will be pretty mad or at least disappointed if it isn’t soon. that’s pretty much typical of how the summer has been.

but this anxiety thing, like i mentioned, is bothering me. i feel like i have a lot of things i need to be doing. but when i’m in bed, i think to myself that i really have no reason to get up because i’ll just be sitting on the couch doing nothing which is not very appealing either. even now, i could be doing things i want to get done but i’m not. i use the excuse that jay is trying to sleep so i shouldn’t make noise and disturb him. but it’s just that~ if i was cleaning or something, he wouldn’t care. so, when i do finally go to bed, i can’t sleep. of course cause i slept too much already. but even when i’m tired and want to sleep, i toss and turn because i get these anxious feelings that jerk me awake and make my stomach hurt. lately it’s been about not writing an complaint email to j-list for owing me items from two orders from over 6 months ago. i’ve been putting it off for that long and now i feel sick about it. it’s gone beyond that nagging feeling. it’s little things like that that are bothering me. nothing important.

summer is almost over. i really only have around 15-20 days left. 3 of those, i have to do stuff for school. go to 2 orientation things and go to install something on my laptop. gotta get my student card one of those days too. (these things are also causing me anxiety.)

i know it’ll be a good thing for me to be in school ~ have a routine again. but i’m worried. my track record for school is not the greatest. especially when it comes to ece. plus, it’s more like a high school routine rather than in university when i had a class here and there. if it’s anything like when i took it in winnipeg, i’ll be there all day every day from like 8 to 3 or something. and then i’ll have placements too. ugh. i don’t think the work will be difficult (it wasn’t the first time) but i have a habit of not doing it regardless. i know it sounds like i’m defeating myself before i even start. i don’t want to think that way. especially when i know what i do about the law of attraction! i want to be excited about “this new stage in my life” as jay put it.

i had 2 fortune cookies recently and they were both similar in their messages. i didn’t keep them so i don’t remember the exact wording but on said something like “you are capable of accomplishing great things when you put your mind to it” and the other… oh, i can’t remember but something about how i can work really hard. i’ve always thought of myself as someone who puts in the bare minimum work and just goes with the flow. that isn’t a good way to be! i want to change that. maybe i should have kept the fortunes… 

my NEXT next tattoo

i thought i should update my previous post about my tattoos. i did actually get that tattoo i mentioned and in the exact manner i described.
                                
i did it again spontaneously. it happened almost the same way the first one did. at the same place too. yonge street tattoos in toronto. it was just over a year ago. i was downtown with a friend (different friend this time though) and we walked past and i said i wanted to go in to ask how much it would cost for that approximate tat. turned out i would just get it done right then and there. it was kind of dumb that i did it that way though because i obviously didn't have a reference material with me. so it's in my own writing. but, in a way, that's kind of cool. it has a few "glitches" in it which i meant to go get touched up but as i said, it's been over a year now.
even though i really thought out the placement and everything, i still think this one ended up a little lower than i'd like. oh well~ it's still pretty cool, i think!

i already have my next planned out! if you know anything about me, you know i'm a huge weezer fan ~ so what better than the flying w?!


if not just the =w=, then i would combine it somehow with this little guy from the pinkerton cover (and famous woodblock print "kambara yoru no yuki" by hiroshige) to add a little originality. or maybe the 2 separately? who knows. i do know i want the =w= on my inner wrist but i was thinking the guy could go on my ankle or something. more planning neccessary.


another idea i had was getting the torii on my ankle. just a small one, only like an inch square. every tattoo means something or marks some milestone, right? so this would be my reward for finally going to japan~



hubby actually took this picture.
it's before the entrance to fushimi inari taisha.

i mentioned in the other post that i was thinking about getting the kanji for loyalty as a tramp stamp. i think i've got enough kanji for now! i used to be a big fan of miami ink and chris garver's work. i thought it would be awesome if jay and i could take a trip down there and get him to do an artful piece for me. i like the symbolism of the lotus. you know~ beauty growing out of crap. i thought i would like a realistic style lotus with a stem with a greenish black quagmire (i mean cess pool... idk if quagmire is the right word... i just thought it would be my only opportunity to use it in a sentence!) swirling around the stem. but, i promised myself i would rise above my shortcomings before doing it. or else the symbolism is lost. it'll be my reward. i'm almost there~

                                            

lack of sleep makes you do weird things

i never went to bed last night. of course, i didn't wake up until around 4pm yesterday so it's not like i'm exhausted but the human body (at least the over-30 body) was not made for being awake during the dark hours and stay awake throughout the next day. it's 11:35am right now. i'm on my second cup (GIANT cup) of tea and i have the "i-haven't-slept-yet" shakes. my mental functions might be a little whack too ~but i can't tell since i'm not objective.
so, what does one do while they're up all night? find their old waste-of-cyberspace blogs and read the old posts. apparently, i had a live journal account that i actually wrote in. i completely forgot about it. now that i think of it, i can't even remember how i got there tonight... i couldn't remember my username either and the email linked to it is no longer. eventually, i figured it out. i am and have always been a creature of habit so there are really only half a dozen names it could have been. the password was the easy part.
it's actually a culmination of several pre-blog era blogs. online journals, as they were called. i had many accounts on several sites that no longer exist. i had a bebo account, hi5 (does that still exist?), asianavenue, etc. there also used to be this msn community thing. long before i had my geocities website (god, i miss that!), i made this community. it was actually pretty cool. well, i didn't make it. it was a template that you just filled out basic stuff. not even as complex as geocities. but i made good use of it! i seem to remember they sent out a warning that they were going to shut it down, just like geocities did so i copied all the postings i and my "members" had made and added them to my live journal account by back dating them. i did that with the other accounts too just so everything would be all in one place.
i'm thinking that i would like to do the same here. i mean, move all the stuff from live journal to here. i don't use it anyway (except i did today ~ just for fun).
well, if you see any entries older than april 19, 2005, that's what i did. ...i wonder if you can backdate that far?

Current Location: same place i've been for the past 12 hours
Current Mood: twitchy
Current Music: still weezer

celebrity crush

is it possible to love someone you have never met? i don't mean someone you just haven't met in person like online dating or something. i mean a person you've never connected with personally. as in a celebrity. is it possible to really love someone you don't really know?
an actor? probably not, right? because you rarely see them being themselves.
but what about a musician? listening to someone's words they wrote themselves in their own voice, you really feel like you get to know them. but how much of it is truth? how much of what is in what they say really how they feel and not just a fabrication or persona? i wonder if it's really possible...

sometimes the words you sing and the way you sing them make me feel i understand a little something about you ~ and i really like what i feel. i think we're a lot the same. when i feel loving towards you that way, i can almost love myself then too.

gazen parapara gakuen

i've gotten fat lately... maybe if i start doing parapara, i can take off the extra padding~

crafty hobby

i was introduced to fimo (polymer clay) when i was a teenager. i bought a few packages but never made anything. in fact, the clay got too hard and dried out. but a few years ago, my neice emily got her mom's old collection out and started making little figures. (she's quite talented~) so during a visit, i got back into it. last year, my husband bought me a new collection.

i've made a few little things but nothing special so far.

lately, i've had a few images in my head so i thought working them out in fimo might be interesting. last night, i decided to give it a go... i only got as far as mixing some colour combos. i did that for about 2 and a half hours! ...it came at a price.

my arm is killing me!! i can't even move it. the bandage is the only thing that keeps the muscle from throbbing.

and i only ended up making three beads!

untapped potential??

people are always telling me "you have so much potential"... i would like someone to tell me how exactly i can tap into this! do you ever see such wonderful, creative works of art that SHOULD inspire you to want to create something wonderful yourself but instead just feel defeated before you even begin? i THINK i have some marvelous things wandering around in my brain but it's very foggy up there and i can quite see them clearly. i only see these things in fleeting glimpses... so frustrating and a bit discouraging! i know they're in there but i don't know how to get them out~
i've been looking at a lot of polymer clay stuff and i'd like to attempt doing something more than my basic nintendo and studio ghibli charcters (although i must say, they turn out pretty cute). there is such amazing detail that people put into their creations that i feel... defeated. yup. that's the perfect word. (check out this as a gateway to what i'm talking about ~ http://polymerclaydaily.com)
sometimes, i think i could draw out what i see inside the murkiness of my head but it never turns out. aaaaaaaargh. what to do to let this "creative potential" out into the real world....
ever wonder what it must be like inside the brain of tim burton or hayao miyazaki? it must be so clear and bright and vivid. they are my imaginative gurus! oh, to be able to make the visions tactile~ what bliss eludes me!

but i still have more to say~

i can't write in nice and neatly packaged sentences so i'll just put down some thoughts...

as a parent, i don't want to be controlling and obsessed with all the details. i don't want to miss the big picture. i want my children to grow up healthy, happy, and secure. i want to seek that delicate balance between being oblivious and hyper-vigilant. i don't want to worry about every little thing they put in their mouths. i don't want my life to add up to only the number of straws i poked through juice boxes or how many underroos i washed. i want what every good parent wants but i don't want to end up like most parents... and i don't want my kids to end up like most kids.

motherhood... looks freakin' scary!

i'm watching the movie "motherhood"... it's scaring the crap out of me!! i don't want to be like that!! omg...
my husband and i are trying to start our own family. the timing is good and everything and i do want a baby but......... it's so scary!!!!!
i wish i could be eloquent and then i would blog regularily.... i have so much going on in my head.... i don't know who originally wrote/said this but it sums it up "my thoughts are many; my words are few"
my words don't flow the same way my feelings do so i'm going to leave it at that...

an honest email

of course, we've all had this sent to us before but i decided to post it here because... it's so true~

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Children... You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 18 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

thoughts~

i wonder how you're doing
i wonder if you're happy
i wonder if you ever think of me

i was just looking over my previous posts... i thought it was funny that i wrote before i was married that i wanted a baby and didn't want to wait 3 or 4 years. it's been 3 or 4 years ~
i went through a phase of wanting a baby for a few months, then went back to not for a few years...
so, we've passed the idea back and forth since that last post. many pros and cons but we're at the point that we've decided to go ahead with it...
we got married in 2007 and bought a house a few months later, so that's out of the way.
another thing that i wanted to do before having children was to fulfill my dream of going to japan. i orginally wanted to go for an extended period of time but it's better to go for a visit than not at all. since i'm not currently working and we do have a mortgage to deal with... i was thinking i would have to get a part time job and work for a year or two and then finally be able to go BUT when jay and i were talking about it last month, he agreed that we should go soon. i was going to go next month with a friend but she's pregnant (ironically) and i didn't want to go by myself... jay had promised before we got married that we would go together one day, thinking five years from then, because we weren't going on a honeymoon.
soooooo ~ we plan to go in may for our 3rd anniversary as our honeymoon AND will actively "start trying" when we return... but i've stopped taking BC so if it happens before then.......

p.s. i also just found out my sister is currently 11 weeks with her second ~ yay!

Christmas Gift Giving Ideas~

The Christmas season is coming... soon! I am always a last minute person (not just for buying gifts!) so I've started to think about what to give each person on my list. (I ALMOST wish people would stop getting married and having kids ~ the list is always expanding!!)
I've always thought that a gift says not only a lot about you but also what you think about the person you are giving it to. I don't have a problem, per se, with giving or recieving gift cards/certificates (especially from a favourite store) but... I don't think it's "impersonal" as everyone says or "thoughtless" but it seems to say "I don't know you very well". (BTW, If anyone wants to get me some gc's, I wouldn't mind both Lululemon and Chapters!! haha)
Anyway, I'm trying to think of some inspired gift giving ideas... I have some people who are quite difficult. (as in, I don't "know" them very well and don't want to give them gift cards!)
I've only come up with one so far but it could work for more than one person. I have decided, in the spirit of giving, to share it with readers so that you may use it too, if you wish.
I like to call it "The Uplifting Book". I have a feeling that it would be best given to the women in your lives ~ wives, sisters, mothers, daughters, friends, etc.
Buy one of those books with blank pages (one would call it a journal...) ~ something with an inspirational quotes on the cover. Chapters/Indigo has some nice ones. You know ~ the ones that say "dance like no ones watching..." On the inside cover, write your Merry Christmas/Happy Ramadan/Channukah/Kwanza/whatever message. The next page, the purpose of the book ~ which is to fill its blank pages with things you find uplifting. Suggest things that can fill it with ~ quotes, memories, lists of top 5's (favourite places to go, songs, smells, etc.), "what matters most to me", "nice things people have said about me" (you can fill in)... Whatever you can think of. I think it's also sweet to randomly open to a page and make a template for one of those ideas... Do several. (The books I'm thinking of are pretty thick anyway).
And, if you WANT to give a gift certificate... put it inside the book!

So.... what do you think would make a great, thoughtful gift? Reply please!

The Secret

I’m watching the first twenty minutes of The Secret on YouTube… I believe in the law of attraction ~ but more so how your thoughts are projected through your body language and facial expression. ie. negative thinking will attract negativity because you exude it ~ confidence makes people respect you…
I’ve been a negative person. I’ve often thought things like, “I have nothing to offer” or “My friends don’t care about me”, etc. These thoughts have indeed manifested. Even if it was a little bit before, it has gotten worse since I was focused on it. So, I have an idea. A lot of therapists tell you to repeat positive things over and over and then you will begin to believe them. So, in order to “empower” myself as they are saying, I want to write a short mantra or perhaps a few and print them out, post them, and read them out loud to myself everyday. Sort of an audio visual board. I made my vision board on my computer desktop as Oprah suggested but I haven’t believed it was possible. But, with repetitive statements about myself, it seems simpler. I’m thinking statements like “I am a good friend.”, “I have the strength to stick to a healthy routine.”
Meditation will also be beneficial, I think. No meditation that yogis do but just picking a happy thought, listening to a powerful piece of music and just holding onto it and pushing all else from my mind. Picture myself being how I want to be. Unlike the people in this film, I don’t want power, tons of money, etc. My main goals are happiness, health, harmony, and love. I want to lead a simple lifestyle, low on stress. I want to have meaningful connections with people. I want to make an impact on the world not so my name will be known but so people in general are happier and more considerate of others. I want to help in the healing of the earth. 
I will begin tomorrow (well, technically today! Haha ~ it’s already almost 5 am). I’m not going to make a long list of things I want to do… because I don’t want to feel badly about myself if I can’t check them off. I’m simply going to write down 3 “mantras” to say to myself once a day (or more, if I feel like it), print them out and post them somewhere I’ll see them. To start with, how about “I am in a good mood”, “Today is a good day”, “I am blessed”. Simple enough, right?
…I wonder what types of things Kate Gosselin has posted around her house these days. She used to have a lot of that. I really feel for her and truly admire her integrity throughout the past year. (I have so much to say about it all but now is not the time…) One written “vision” I can add for now is that I want to have a good conversation with Kate Gosselin someday. I like her and hope she and her children go on to have happy, peaceful lives. 

babies on the brain

I want to have a baby… but I want to be ready. I know I will never feel that way so I’m wondering if it’s something that I should just allow to happen. I’m afraid… of so many things. I don’t want to bring a baby into this world for selfish reasons. Yes, I want to love someone. I do love people but a child is different. Your own child is different… I want to watch someone grow for their whole life. I want to pass on my values and ideals. I want to see Jay as a father. I want … purpose. Really, what IS a good reason to have a child?

I’m afraid that I will be too inconsistent. I’m afraid I will slack off. I’m afraid I will put myself ahead of my child. I’m afraid of childbirth!! I’m afraid of the emotional scars that I will create. I’m afraid my child will get into bad things.

When is a good time? Should I still go to school first? Should I go to Japan? Should I try to find a job I love? Should I be in peak physical shape? Do I HAVE to be? Is there anyone or thing that can give me answers to these questions? What if I make the wrong choices….

♥~my love story~♥

i originally posted this as a "note" on facebook. thought i'd put it here. just cause.

let's share ~

if i tagged you, i'm interested in your story ~ how you met, why you fell in love, etc. (or thought you might be interested in mine... haha)

When I moved to Winnipeg right out of high school (literally, the day after classes ended ~ June 26, 1999), I told my friends I would be back. St. George/Brantford is where I "grew up" and the longest I had ever lived in one place... it was home. So... I never really gave Winnipeg a fair shot...

The only people I really hung out with were my cousins and brother. I didn't make friends (until, like, 2 or 3 months before I left).

I started working for Ann at her Levi's store in March 2000... being the astute judge of character that she is, she realized just how cool I reallly am...

That sets the stage~

Ann said that she had plans with people on Saturday night, Sept 23, 2000 and since she knew I didn't know too many people (haha ~ have any friends, she meant!!), she asked if I wanted to hang out with her brother, who was in town from Edmonton and also didn't know anyone. (He was doing a practicum for his last year of pharmacy ~ one week in to the three weeks.) Just to hang out... not a date. No pressure.

I hadn't made definite plans and thought it could be interesting hanging out with a complete stranger so I said okay. But... he was a complete stranger... so Friday, I told her, maybe not. But Ann has a way of convincing you to do stuff that is "good for you" ~ so...

... I was off work at 6:30 but the mall closed at 6:00, so he had to wait. (We actually finished about 10 after, but then I had to brush my teeth, change my clothes, and touch up my makeup. Not a date.... but a girl's still gotta look good when meeting a new guy!)

btw~ Ann didn't even tell me his name (or forgot to or I forgot to ask or something) so I asked my manager earlier that day would had met him once or twice a few years back.

After my co-worker and I dropped off the store deposit at the bank, I met him outside my store and the very first words I said were, "So, where are we going?" (I thought I was just being confident or assertive or something. Turns out, his immediate first impression of me was that I was a snob~ I get that a lot...)

Actually (I just remembered), he came into the store awhile before we closed to introduce himself. I think we shook hands or something and I told him when we'd be finished...

We determined where his car was and decided while walking to it that we would figure out things to do while driving. I don't remember completely but  I think we were both saying "whatever you want to do" (not to be polite... that's just how we both are ~ and that set the tone for the rest of life...). We drove around for awhile... but that turned out to be a good thing...

While driving around, he said his cds were at my feet and I could pick whatever I wanted to listen to. I was flipping through while we talked. He asked me what I usually listened to ~ my reply, of course (at the time) was hip hop/r&b, my favourites being 112, Ginuwine, Missy Elliot, etc. He didn't have much interest. His cds were Pearl Jam, Moist, Smashing Pumpkins.... okay, but not my type....

Then I flipped to Blink-182, Green Day, and Weezer (my OTHER favourites I had failed to mention). "Oh, I love these!" ~ or something. "Oh yeah..." blah blah blah "I think I'll go with Green Day..."

Jay figured at that point that I would pick Dookie (cause EVERYONE knows it) or maybe Nimrod.... but I went with 1039 ~ Green Day's first album, popped it in, and started singing along... He was impressed.

...anyway~

We ended driving all the way down to the Forks, ending up at Brannigan's for dinner. Then we went all the way back to Polo Park to see Hollow Man at the theatre ~ both agreeing it was a terrible movie. Then we still wanted to hang out... and I lived close so we went back to my house.... haha ~ that sounds so bad! We just hung out, talking, quizzing each other on life stories... whatever. APPARENTLY, I showed him all my pictures. I know... it's weird. (He always brings that up!) But, it shows how comfortable we were. (He was telling me all his stories too.) We ended up talking until 6:00am.

When he finally decided he should go home, we made plans to hang out again ~ the next day, he, Ann, and her husband were going to the States to go shopping so we said we'd do something the day after.

We spent everyday from then on for the rest of the two weeks he was in Winnipeg together. A few days before he left, I changed my mind from "fling" to "boyfriend". (I hadn't been up for a long distance relationship but he was just so great~ :) )

We met at Christmas in Toronto/Mississauga for a few days (Ann moved there in November to open Below the Belt and her whole family was visiting ~ I went to spend time with Jay and had plans to see my high school friends (didn't happen... storm) and my former co-workers.) Then he came to visit me in Winnipeg the day after Valentine's (I told him to skip the 14th cause I've never liked it) for a week. Then I went to see him in May for his university graduation.

Oh yeah ~ we knew that long distance relationships are only temporary and he knew of my plans to return to Ontario. Since Ann told me of her plans to open BTB there, I asked if I could transfer. Jay said there were a lot of Pharmacy oppotunities in Ontario and since his sister lived there, he wanted to move there.

So, in June, he came to visit me for a few days, just stopping off while he moved across the country. Two more months apart (excpet the week that I took in July to go look for apartments and visit my high school friends) and then I moved August 31, 2001.

We moved in together in April 2003. He had lived with his sister and I was roommates with my former-then-reunited-co-worker (after 3 months in a shit hole alone... usually staying with Jay instead due to bugs... *shudder*).

We got married May 5, 2007 and moved into our house October 31, 2007. Marital bliss from then on~

There... that gives you the gist. (Seriously, I can't believe you read the whole thing.)

I wrote this cause someone asked (Hi MiaoMiao-san!!) and I never got a chance to tell the story. That's how we met and some of the superficial reasons we got together. Not much of what I like about him or why things worked out...

If you write your story ~ make it more interesting please!!

A New Earth

“You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the good that is already in you, and allowing that goodness to emerge.” (page 13)

Why I read this book

I watched several people, famous and regular people, talk about how this book had opened their eyes or changed their lives. I thought that it would be interesting to read; that there might be something in the book that spoke to me. I have been struggling with depression much of my life and what looking for answers. I didn’t know who I was and had no passion. I felt that life was meaningless and the only reason I hadn’t killed myself was because I loved my husband and promised to him that I would never give up completely. I constantly prayed to God to send me a sign that my life could change.

I tend to procrastinate. I didn’t buy the book. In fact, I even made an online order for two other books and not for “A New Earth”. When my order arrived, I had also received another order (presumably by accident) and in it was the book. My first thought was to contact the company and return the order even though I wanted to read it. I thought it would be “bad karma” to keep something that wasn’t mine. Morals aside, I had asked God for a sign. How rude it would be to ignore one dumped in my lap!

How the book changed my life

When I first picked up the book, I was thinking that it might have something useful in it’s pages that could help me in my struggle. I was also sceptical of the people I had seen talking about it on Oprah, thinking “How much can a book actually change your life?!”

Within the first three chapters, my life had changed!

My path to awakening

I have always been someone who thinks. I constantly thought about thinking. Why did I do things I did? Why did I think the way I thought? I pulled myself out of the present moment to ponder what was going on, how I reacted to it, what it all meant. I once had a psychologist say that she had never met someone who thought so much about their own thinking. When I first started reading, I thought, “Wow, I must be really awake…” That was my ego talking! I had been so identified with the voice in my head. I walked around everyday in a cloud of darkness. Negative thoughts bombarded me constantly. I was a person who would be in a situation and think things like “I hate being here” and “I wish I was anywhere else but here”. People told me that I was my own worst enemy and that it was my negative thinking blowing things out of proportion that made life so unliveable to me. They told me all I had to do was change my thinking. Easy for them to say, I thought. They hadn’t been in my head and didn’t know how long this pattern of behaviour had been going on. How was I to just change? “A New Earth” was the answer.

Recently, I had been very depressed and thinking about suicide. I couldn’t live with myself. I felt I wasn’t myself but it had been such a long time I felt this way that I didn’t know who myself was. I felt so lost. It was within this mindset that I began reading the book. For me it was like a movie that takes awhile to get into. (Like Oprah says, at least give the first fifty pages a try).

Once Tolle began talking about the voice in the head as not you, I had my first 'aha-moment'. That’s why I knew this state I was in was not me… I was living my life as if my ego was all that I was.

I don’t know precisely where in the book things changed for me but I realized the most important things: I am not my ego, I was making the present my enemy, and what a power NOW held. In an instant, my unhappiness left me. It still rears its ugly head from time to time but I am getting better at creating that space around me and my emotions and I can then choose how to act. My new motto is, “It is what it is.” I remind myself “This too will pass.” When I feel myself that I am not the person I (my ego) want to be, I can accept it and say, “I am who I am” and feel peace.

My struggles with these ideas

I am trying to accept “this too shall pass” and view materialism accordingly. I have become less attached to objects and feelings but what I struggle with is my attachment to my husband. Before I read the book, the only reason I was alive was because I loved my husband. I knew that if it weren’t for him in my life, I would have absolutely no reason to live and no want to live. At the time I started reading, he was away for six days for a business conference and I wallowed in my worry that something could happen to him and he might not come back. Needless to say, I am very attached to my husband! We are very close and have always say things like we are made for each other and we are soulmates. I’ve often viewed him as an angel sent from God who saved my life. I feel a very deep connection on a non-material level. If I put it into my own words, my soul (my “Being”) is connected to his soul.

Tolle doesn’t mention an afterlife or what happens to our being when we die. I get the idea that we “return” to the conciousness and I believe that to an extent. I know it’s not over when our bodies are lifeless. I believe our souls go somewhere else. But then what? Do our connections with our loved ones continue? And in what form? 

quiz time

I found another slightly different version of the same quiz on my hard drive. Rather than repost the whole thing, I'll just put up the answers that changed, albeit some only vaguely.

Three things you are wearing right now:
*care bare pj pants
*jay's drunknmunky shirt
*my engagement ring

Three things you want to do in the next 12 months: 
*driver's license 
*braces
*get in shape

Three careers you would consider:
*montessori teacher
*english teacher in japan 
*kindergarten or primary music teacher

Three places you want to go on vacation:
*japan
*seoul 
*san francisco

so, am i a bad person?

hello everyone i know,

so, merry christmas, happy new year... yup, i'm really late as usual. people have been complaining that i never call, never e-mail, never anything. don't fret though. i still love you! i don't have an excuse. do you want one? okay.... um, i've been working a lot, i'm lazy, and... have been a little busy. if you love me, you'll forgive me because you know.... i'm just like that.
for those of you who don't already know, jay and i are getting married! yes... finally. for those of you who do know.... plans are coming along nicely.
so, here's the dilly ~ we're getting married in mississauga on may 5th of this year (less than four months!) and we've invited both of out immediate families. after the ceremony (which we will be video taping to show (show-off) later), we're going out for chinese food. we hope to be able to plan a reception to take place in about a year or so, depending on out financial situation so keep that in mind!
sometime, i'm hoping mid-april, i'd like to have a "tea party" for my girls and me to get together so anyone in the mississauga/southern ontario area is invited.
as for my holiday time.... what holiday? i worked pretty much the whole thing except christmas eve, day, and new years day... which i used to sleep the entire time. quiet and non-holiday-ish. we went to ann's for christmas day and watched takeo open presents. cute!
enough about me... what's new with you?!

me?! baby fever????

oh, what the hell is going on.... i didn't think i had a "biological clock" but apparently, it's begn to tick. i want a baby!
of course i'm used to people always asking me "when are you getting married?" and "when are you going to have a baby?" but it never affected me before. but... within the past few weeks with new babies being born and my sister's wedding, all of a sudden i'm thinking the same thing! "yeah, when" instead of my usual stock answer of "never please!"
i told jay this morning that i wanted to have a baby. i didn't much like his reaction. i'm perfectly serious and when a woman says that, she means sooner than later. his thinking is three or four years down the road. the way we have always been is that we plan things but they're always so far off that they don't require thinking about ~ probably why we aren't married yet! but, of course he had good points ~ we aren't married yet and we can't fit a baby in our place so we'd need a house. still.... when you have a definite plan, things happen so much more quickly than you'd expect. if my heart is set on having a baby, then we could skip the big wedding and just go for civil service type of thing ~ or like what teena did with less than 5 people ~ and spend the money on a house and baby.
i don't know... what do you think? am i being realistic? or am i just hooked on a new idea?