♥~my love story~♥

i originally posted this as a "note" on facebook. thought i'd put it here. just cause.

let's share ~

if i tagged you, i'm interested in your story ~ how you met, why you fell in love, etc. (or thought you might be interested in mine... haha)

When I moved to Winnipeg right out of high school (literally, the day after classes ended ~ June 26, 1999), I told my friends I would be back. St. George/Brantford is where I "grew up" and the longest I had ever lived in one place... it was home. So... I never really gave Winnipeg a fair shot...

The only people I really hung out with were my cousins and brother. I didn't make friends (until, like, 2 or 3 months before I left).

I started working for Ann at her Levi's store in March 2000... being the astute judge of character that she is, she realized just how cool I reallly am...

That sets the stage~

Ann said that she had plans with people on Saturday night, Sept 23, 2000 and since she knew I didn't know too many people (haha ~ have any friends, she meant!!), she asked if I wanted to hang out with her brother, who was in town from Edmonton and also didn't know anyone. (He was doing a practicum for his last year of pharmacy ~ one week in to the three weeks.) Just to hang out... not a date. No pressure.

I hadn't made definite plans and thought it could be interesting hanging out with a complete stranger so I said okay. But... he was a complete stranger... so Friday, I told her, maybe not. But Ann has a way of convincing you to do stuff that is "good for you" ~ so...

... I was off work at 6:30 but the mall closed at 6:00, so he had to wait. (We actually finished about 10 after, but then I had to brush my teeth, change my clothes, and touch up my makeup. Not a date.... but a girl's still gotta look good when meeting a new guy!)

btw~ Ann didn't even tell me his name (or forgot to or I forgot to ask or something) so I asked my manager earlier that day would had met him once or twice a few years back.

After my co-worker and I dropped off the store deposit at the bank, I met him outside my store and the very first words I said were, "So, where are we going?" (I thought I was just being confident or assertive or something. Turns out, his immediate first impression of me was that I was a snob~ I get that a lot...)

Actually (I just remembered), he came into the store awhile before we closed to introduce himself. I think we shook hands or something and I told him when we'd be finished...

We determined where his car was and decided while walking to it that we would figure out things to do while driving. I don't remember completely but  I think we were both saying "whatever you want to do" (not to be polite... that's just how we both are ~ and that set the tone for the rest of life...). We drove around for awhile... but that turned out to be a good thing...

While driving around, he said his cds were at my feet and I could pick whatever I wanted to listen to. I was flipping through while we talked. He asked me what I usually listened to ~ my reply, of course (at the time) was hip hop/r&b, my favourites being 112, Ginuwine, Missy Elliot, etc. He didn't have much interest. His cds were Pearl Jam, Moist, Smashing Pumpkins.... okay, but not my type....

Then I flipped to Blink-182, Green Day, and Weezer (my OTHER favourites I had failed to mention). "Oh, I love these!" ~ or something. "Oh yeah..." blah blah blah "I think I'll go with Green Day..."

Jay figured at that point that I would pick Dookie (cause EVERYONE knows it) or maybe Nimrod.... but I went with 1039 ~ Green Day's first album, popped it in, and started singing along... He was impressed.

...anyway~

We ended driving all the way down to the Forks, ending up at Brannigan's for dinner. Then we went all the way back to Polo Park to see Hollow Man at the theatre ~ both agreeing it was a terrible movie. Then we still wanted to hang out... and I lived close so we went back to my house.... haha ~ that sounds so bad! We just hung out, talking, quizzing each other on life stories... whatever. APPARENTLY, I showed him all my pictures. I know... it's weird. (He always brings that up!) But, it shows how comfortable we were. (He was telling me all his stories too.) We ended up talking until 6:00am.

When he finally decided he should go home, we made plans to hang out again ~ the next day, he, Ann, and her husband were going to the States to go shopping so we said we'd do something the day after.

We spent everyday from then on for the rest of the two weeks he was in Winnipeg together. A few days before he left, I changed my mind from "fling" to "boyfriend". (I hadn't been up for a long distance relationship but he was just so great~ :) )

We met at Christmas in Toronto/Mississauga for a few days (Ann moved there in November to open Below the Belt and her whole family was visiting ~ I went to spend time with Jay and had plans to see my high school friends (didn't happen... storm) and my former co-workers.) Then he came to visit me in Winnipeg the day after Valentine's (I told him to skip the 14th cause I've never liked it) for a week. Then I went to see him in May for his university graduation.

Oh yeah ~ we knew that long distance relationships are only temporary and he knew of my plans to return to Ontario. Since Ann told me of her plans to open BTB there, I asked if I could transfer. Jay said there were a lot of Pharmacy oppotunities in Ontario and since his sister lived there, he wanted to move there.

So, in June, he came to visit me for a few days, just stopping off while he moved across the country. Two more months apart (excpet the week that I took in July to go look for apartments and visit my high school friends) and then I moved August 31, 2001.

We moved in together in April 2003. He had lived with his sister and I was roommates with my former-then-reunited-co-worker (after 3 months in a shit hole alone... usually staying with Jay instead due to bugs... *shudder*).

We got married May 5, 2007 and moved into our house October 31, 2007. Marital bliss from then on~

There... that gives you the gist. (Seriously, I can't believe you read the whole thing.)

I wrote this cause someone asked (Hi MiaoMiao-san!!) and I never got a chance to tell the story. That's how we met and some of the superficial reasons we got together. Not much of what I like about him or why things worked out...

If you write your story ~ make it more interesting please!!

A New Earth

“You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the good that is already in you, and allowing that goodness to emerge.” (page 13)

Why I read this book

I watched several people, famous and regular people, talk about how this book had opened their eyes or changed their lives. I thought that it would be interesting to read; that there might be something in the book that spoke to me. I have been struggling with depression much of my life and what looking for answers. I didn’t know who I was and had no passion. I felt that life was meaningless and the only reason I hadn’t killed myself was because I loved my husband and promised to him that I would never give up completely. I constantly prayed to God to send me a sign that my life could change.

I tend to procrastinate. I didn’t buy the book. In fact, I even made an online order for two other books and not for “A New Earth”. When my order arrived, I had also received another order (presumably by accident) and in it was the book. My first thought was to contact the company and return the order even though I wanted to read it. I thought it would be “bad karma” to keep something that wasn’t mine. Morals aside, I had asked God for a sign. How rude it would be to ignore one dumped in my lap!

How the book changed my life

When I first picked up the book, I was thinking that it might have something useful in it’s pages that could help me in my struggle. I was also sceptical of the people I had seen talking about it on Oprah, thinking “How much can a book actually change your life?!”

Within the first three chapters, my life had changed!

My path to awakening

I have always been someone who thinks. I constantly thought about thinking. Why did I do things I did? Why did I think the way I thought? I pulled myself out of the present moment to ponder what was going on, how I reacted to it, what it all meant. I once had a psychologist say that she had never met someone who thought so much about their own thinking. When I first started reading, I thought, “Wow, I must be really awake…” That was my ego talking! I had been so identified with the voice in my head. I walked around everyday in a cloud of darkness. Negative thoughts bombarded me constantly. I was a person who would be in a situation and think things like “I hate being here” and “I wish I was anywhere else but here”. People told me that I was my own worst enemy and that it was my negative thinking blowing things out of proportion that made life so unliveable to me. They told me all I had to do was change my thinking. Easy for them to say, I thought. They hadn’t been in my head and didn’t know how long this pattern of behaviour had been going on. How was I to just change? “A New Earth” was the answer.

Recently, I had been very depressed and thinking about suicide. I couldn’t live with myself. I felt I wasn’t myself but it had been such a long time I felt this way that I didn’t know who myself was. I felt so lost. It was within this mindset that I began reading the book. For me it was like a movie that takes awhile to get into. (Like Oprah says, at least give the first fifty pages a try).

Once Tolle began talking about the voice in the head as not you, I had my first 'aha-moment'. That’s why I knew this state I was in was not me… I was living my life as if my ego was all that I was.

I don’t know precisely where in the book things changed for me but I realized the most important things: I am not my ego, I was making the present my enemy, and what a power NOW held. In an instant, my unhappiness left me. It still rears its ugly head from time to time but I am getting better at creating that space around me and my emotions and I can then choose how to act. My new motto is, “It is what it is.” I remind myself “This too will pass.” When I feel myself that I am not the person I (my ego) want to be, I can accept it and say, “I am who I am” and feel peace.

My struggles with these ideas

I am trying to accept “this too shall pass” and view materialism accordingly. I have become less attached to objects and feelings but what I struggle with is my attachment to my husband. Before I read the book, the only reason I was alive was because I loved my husband. I knew that if it weren’t for him in my life, I would have absolutely no reason to live and no want to live. At the time I started reading, he was away for six days for a business conference and I wallowed in my worry that something could happen to him and he might not come back. Needless to say, I am very attached to my husband! We are very close and have always say things like we are made for each other and we are soulmates. I’ve often viewed him as an angel sent from God who saved my life. I feel a very deep connection on a non-material level. If I put it into my own words, my soul (my “Being”) is connected to his soul.

Tolle doesn’t mention an afterlife or what happens to our being when we die. I get the idea that we “return” to the conciousness and I believe that to an extent. I know it’s not over when our bodies are lifeless. I believe our souls go somewhere else. But then what? Do our connections with our loved ones continue? And in what form? 

quiz time

I found another slightly different version of the same quiz on my hard drive. Rather than repost the whole thing, I'll just put up the answers that changed, albeit some only vaguely.

Three things you are wearing right now:
*care bare pj pants
*jay's drunknmunky shirt
*my engagement ring

Three things you want to do in the next 12 months: 
*driver's license 
*braces
*get in shape

Three careers you would consider:
*montessori teacher
*english teacher in japan 
*kindergarten or primary music teacher

Three places you want to go on vacation:
*japan
*seoul 
*san francisco

so, am i a bad person?

hello everyone i know,

so, merry christmas, happy new year... yup, i'm really late as usual. people have been complaining that i never call, never e-mail, never anything. don't fret though. i still love you! i don't have an excuse. do you want one? okay.... um, i've been working a lot, i'm lazy, and... have been a little busy. if you love me, you'll forgive me because you know.... i'm just like that.
for those of you who don't already know, jay and i are getting married! yes... finally. for those of you who do know.... plans are coming along nicely.
so, here's the dilly ~ we're getting married in mississauga on may 5th of this year (less than four months!) and we've invited both of out immediate families. after the ceremony (which we will be video taping to show (show-off) later), we're going out for chinese food. we hope to be able to plan a reception to take place in about a year or so, depending on out financial situation so keep that in mind!
sometime, i'm hoping mid-april, i'd like to have a "tea party" for my girls and me to get together so anyone in the mississauga/southern ontario area is invited.
as for my holiday time.... what holiday? i worked pretty much the whole thing except christmas eve, day, and new years day... which i used to sleep the entire time. quiet and non-holiday-ish. we went to ann's for christmas day and watched takeo open presents. cute!
enough about me... what's new with you?!

me?! baby fever????

oh, what the hell is going on.... i didn't think i had a "biological clock" but apparently, it's begn to tick. i want a baby!
of course i'm used to people always asking me "when are you getting married?" and "when are you going to have a baby?" but it never affected me before. but... within the past few weeks with new babies being born and my sister's wedding, all of a sudden i'm thinking the same thing! "yeah, when" instead of my usual stock answer of "never please!"
i told jay this morning that i wanted to have a baby. i didn't much like his reaction. i'm perfectly serious and when a woman says that, she means sooner than later. his thinking is three or four years down the road. the way we have always been is that we plan things but they're always so far off that they don't require thinking about ~ probably why we aren't married yet! but, of course he had good points ~ we aren't married yet and we can't fit a baby in our place so we'd need a house. still.... when you have a definite plan, things happen so much more quickly than you'd expect. if my heart is set on having a baby, then we could skip the big wedding and just go for civil service type of thing ~ or like what teena did with less than 5 people ~ and spend the money on a house and baby.
i don't know... what do you think? am i being realistic? or am i just hooked on a new idea?

p.s.

i got 93% on my first REAL university test! how much do i rock!?
seriously though, how the hell did that happen?

time once again wasted

i just thought of something...
there's no way that the bride of frankenstien would ever have gone for him. she's way better looking than he is. what's up with that anyway? why do you always see couples where one is attractive and the other painful to look at... take jay and i for example. it's okay for me to be yucky cause i don't plan to have kids. but i think that ugly people should not breed with pretty people. keep the uglies together and the hotties together. when ugly spawns baby of hottie... disaster can only occur. keep the population pretty!!
so, i never actually read (or watched) frank... did they end up together despite their differences?
hey, maybe it's better planning than i had thought. ugly people are generally nice and pretty people are shallow and stupid. maybe the ugly parent is to teach the kids the ways of the world and what-have-you? no, cause ugly people make ugly babies regardless of pretty partners, right? or just average at least. hmph... one of life's great mysteries.

damn spammers

damn you!
i had to turn on the comment verification ~ sorry.
if you leave an actual comment i will post it. if you're leaving me a personal message, you're better off just emailing me. save the comments for comments about what i wrote.

spam makes baby jesus cry!

an e-mail to everyone

From: me
Subject: "novemberance" day message
Date: Sun, 06 Nov 2005 23:58

I've been thinking about the war and what the soldiers fought for and what my generation takes for granted and what Canadians take for granted lately. We see so many people streaming in from war-torn countries and if you ever talk to anyone of them, they're amazed by Canada and our rights. To think that in some countries, they tell you what to wear, eat, think. Lately, it's been harder and harder to work in retail when I see young girls whining to their parents that it's not fair that they can't have a $200 pair of jeans. Although I can never understand the actions of 9-11, I can almost understand the frustration. Other countries can see it. Why can't we?

Anyway, all these thoughts have been mulling in my brain for a long time - since the passing of my grandfather and 9-11 - and I recently received an e-mail from my Auntie Deb which prompted me to put my thoughts down. (Thanks!) I wanted to pass them along to my friends and family in the hopes that this Remembrance Day we can all, if only for just one day, be TRUELY thankful for what the soldiers in WWII won for us. Even if you don't have any family members, alive or passed, who were in the war - take a look around and see what we have. Say a prayer for those who don't have. (And if you do have a living relative who fought in the war, give them a hug and say thanks while they're still here.)


Dear Grandpa,
I wanted to thank you but I never got the chance. I didn't understand in time. You've been gone for a few years now and since then, I've come to realize what you did for me. Before, it was always "just a day" when we'd go to assemblies in school and hear poems and songs or we'd go to see you lay your wreath. Now that I'm older and have seen a little bit more of the world I realize what "freedom" really means... and how I've always taken it for granted.

You lived in a time when your freedom was threatened and you believed in something. You went to war to fight and to defend what we view as a right. You never talked about your experience or lectured about what you had given up for me. You went to war in the hopes that I would never need to know. Yet, it must have hurt you to see me growing up and taking it all for granted. I was oblivious to your sacrifice.

Since you've been gone, I realize the lesson you taught me without saying a word. The vision of you walking across the stage, still so proud after all the years, will stick in my mind. You didn't die in the war but your death taught me what the war was about.
I will not forget.

tech savy-less

Apparently something is wrong with my website so I can't put up the picture of the loyalty character but when it's working, I will. (it used to be that a picture had to be online in order for you to embed it within a blogger posting but they changed that quite some time ago so that you can just upload it from your pc ~ good thing too now that geocities is gone and i no longer have a website!)

                                            
p.s. The reason I want "loyalty" tattooed to my body is that it is a very important virtue to me. I consider myself to be a very loyal friend/girlfriend/sibling, etc. It's something I expect and require of all the people I consider to be my best-whatevers.

bored

Oh, God, I love tea! Although, the date on the milk was the 12th. I should be okay, right? Well, we'll soon find out. I hate cankers! I've discovered that the only way for me to combat a canker is with hot tea. Voila!

I'm sitting here at the computer, wearing my insanely comfortable pucca slippers and a ratty old chixdiggit sweatshirt that USED to be black but is now a dingy charcoal with bleach stains on it (not from me), on my first day off in what seems like months (due to the drama surrounding the situation with a coworker who shall remain nameless to protect her privacy and little sanity left to her), but in actuality is only a week. Whilst perusing through my very long list of "links to check out thorougly before deleting" - otherwise known as "favourites", I thought to myself "why am I wasting my time reading through people's blogs that I don't know and aren't very interesting anyway when I haven't added a THING to my own blog in ages?". So, here I am. I don't really have anything to do on this glorious day off. I'm just doing some laundry and intend on cleaning the apartment.

What's new? Hmmmm.... I bought my wedding dress. Ssshhh! Don't tell Jay! It's actually what I plan to wear if we don't happen to have the big budget ceremony of my dreams with my custom wedding dress that I designed myself. This one I bought was on $79 (plus tax) and would work quite nicely if we do the simple civil service and if I lose 10 pounds or several inches off my waist. It's a white chinese dress. I didn't think they actually existed without the black or silver or gold through the embroidery! It's nice too. It has the simple cherry blossom embroidery pattern on it. Geena and I came across another one but the pattern was very heavy and it had pink piping all around it. Uck.

Anywho, I had seen this dress, like, a year ago and had been thinking about it ever since. It was at a store on Yonge Street that I frequent (because they have lots of cool asian gifties and "things" - incidentally the name of the store). I hadn't been back for awhile - obviously. Geena and I were downtown and we were heading up Yonge for bubble tea. It was SO freaking humid that I had to stop at least once a block to go into an air-conditioned space. It was on the way so I thought I'd stop in just to see if they still had it. YAY! Crazy asian sizing though. I can JUST squeeze into the large. As I said I'll have to lose quite a bit before it fits properly which I should do anyway. I would've bought the extra-large but I think it would've been too loose in the shoulders. The problem areas at the moment are the tummy (duh) and the chest. Ten years ago, if you had told me that I wouldn't fit into a large size dress because my boobs would be too big, I'd have laughed in your face! And so would everyone who knew me...

I'm really into the idea of getting another (or more) tattoos latley. Partly because my sister brought up the idea of us getting matching tattoos and partly because I watched an episode of Miami Ink and now it's my new favourite show. I've been thinking about several different things I'd like. There is of course my marriage tattoo which I have to wait until Jay and I get married to get. But it's not in the running for now cause who knows when (or if) we'll even get married. I think that if Katie wants matching tattoos, she should get the one I already have (cause Katie means "pure" too) and I could get another one. We could do it together for the 'bonding' experience. I'd like for her to come here around the time of her birthday but she has school. Maybe one day.

I've looked up quite a few things I'd like. Mostly more Chinese characters and I'm leaning most towards loyalty. I'd like it not just to be the basic black tattoo on white skin though. I want to design it a little more. Here's what it looks like.


I think for that one, I'd like to get it on my lower back just above my pant line. My current tattoo isn't visible - it's too low. And I'd like it to be bigger than my existing. (My marriage tattoo has a reserved spot. I want it running vertically from the middle of my neck on my right side to however far down it goes. I don't want it big though.)

A few other things I've thought about are a koi fish in the traditional intricate japanese design, two monkeys (twins-gemini and year of the monkey), and - just last night on an episode of Miami Ink, a girl was getting a lotus and said the symbolism behind a lotus is that it grows up from the murkiest of ponds and stuff - I thought that would be cool - kind of like a flower that grows up to be beautiful after going through a really hard time and being trapped in a dark, murky place. The only problem with that is that I don't feel I've overcome enough for it to hold true for me yet. It's an idea that I'll hold onto for when I feel like I have triumphed.

Jay's in Edmonton and has been since last Wednesday. I miss him a lot. He's home tomorrow night though. YAY! If I keep up with my blogging, I'll be able to post some pictures too. (He has the camera with him right now so I have nothing to post.)

11.08.13 note~ i forgot about this post and said almost the exact same thing about the lotus tattoo in a post today. oops.
i did end up getting a real wedding dress and i cut up the one i bought that day (!!!) and used it along with a black and red mandarin shirt i had to make my guest book and ring bearer pillow.
i'm also sad to say the store "things" closed down a few years ago. boo~

handmade guestbook for my wedding

ring bearer pillow - made from that dress and another shirt

yesterday

i went out for bubbletea with Geena before my class yesterday. i met her at bubble tease and then we walked over to sushi inn where i had spicy tuna roll (my favourite!) and gyoza (japanese dumplings) and half of geena's food. she had teriyaki chicken and rice. MMMMMMmmmmmmmm. it was all so good. i forgot to get my green tea icecream! i've been craving it for weeks! i'm going to go to baskin robbins before work. MAYBE they might actually have some. oooooh, i hope, i hope, i hope!
i must go shower and get ready. shouldn't take me too long cause i'm merchandising again tonight. made the mistake of wearing tight jeans last week. (i had bruises on my waist line where my belt loops dug in!). today, i'm going to be smart. sweatpants!

i made a family tree!

it took me like, 2 and a half hours! it's on my website but it's not done yet so i haven't posted it. since my grandmother passed away... no one will know what's going on in each other's lives. she was the centre of the family (the matriarchal head) that talked to everyone and passed the news along. i'd like to get the email addresses of everyone in my family and post it on the tree so we can all keep in touch. it has birthday and anniversary info too. of course, YOU will never see it. i'm only giving the exact address to my family. it's got a lot of personal info so it wouldn't be safe (or polite) to let the whole world know. (Geena, if you want to see it, I'll let you... ) anywho, i'm proud of it.
current mood: productive

*02/05/15 i wish there had been a way to screenshot things back then. my geocities website was so freaking cool! (considering the technology available back then) i liked it because you had complete control over where exactly things were placed on the page. now, it's all structured and there isn't much freedom (right, middle, centre, etc.) poop.
the family tree was on a background that was this old school drawing of a gnarled-looking ancient tree. it was pretty amazing, if you ask me. all i've got now is my memories. 

My NEXT tattoo

My first, and only, tattoo is pictured on the left. It's "pure" in Chinese. Karen means pure so I thought it would be appropriate.
Eventually, I'm going to get another one. After Jay and I get married though.
                           
It says "dragon" (Jay's sign) "monkey" (my sign) "horse" (Jay's last name - which once we're married - mine) "love" and "forever". I don't know where I want it yet. Probably on my shoulder closer to my neck and running vertically instead.

I also want to get "loyalty" on my lower back (where Geena has her tattoo - good spot).

                                           

My first one was done spontaneously and I didn't think about the placement carefully enough. It's too low.

Okay. NOW I'm going to bed!

I don't get this blog stuff yet. Someone teach me!!

For some reason, I wasn't given the option of the same background that Geena was. This one is okay but I added another blog to my profile for other people to join, kind of like a community I guess. I'm not sure how this blog thing works yet. I wanted that background for the other blog. So, being the resourceful person that I am, I went to her page, went to view source, copied it, switched her info for mine and then published it. It worked. I'm surprised! Thanks, G!
I should REALLY being heading of to sleep now. I have to work tomorrow morning then come home and write my stupid essay. I DID have Thursday off but, because I'm "bestest" (and you know that I am!) I took a wee little shift until 1:30. That means in order for me to hand my essay in on time, I have to write the entire thing from start to finish tomorrow after work. It's not really possible. I guess I'll be handing it in late. Which reminds me... I must email my professor and ask him the details about late marks. Is it 10% off per class day, per day, or per weekday?
Argh! I bought Texhnolyze vol. 5 and 6 for myself as a reward for working so many hours for free and I don't even have a chance to watch them! Whatever.

and to add another to my collection...

aren't i silly! how many of these types of things do i have on the internet now?! not necessarily blogs (i only have one other one @ livejournal), but just meaningless wastes of space that no one will ever see except maybe the people i force and that will only be once or twice. other than that... just me and most of the time it's only for a while at first and then i forget about it
let's see:
asianavenue.com ~ honouraryasian
livejournal.com ~honouraryasian
bebo.com ~ wohngsikneuih
hi5.com ~wohngsikneuih
then, of course, there's my really cool website that i could never forget! if you really want to know more about me of see cool pictures and stuff i'm interested in ~ go there! http://www.geocities.com/wohngsikneuih
i don't know html but i'm going to try it out. hmmm... wonder if this will work
me and my boyfriend of four and a half years, Jay

culture

I want nothing more out of life than to get to know people, to understand them on a personal and psychological level. I want to see what their life has been like, know their values, traditions, and beliefs. I’ve been delving into cultures so different from mine for many years and to this point, am amateur at best. It is in the east asian cultures where my true interest lies. I intend to learn as much as I can from school, media, and travel. I’ve often told people that I am ashamed of what “my” people have done throughout history. (I am of anglo-saxon descent.) and that living in Canada where “white” culture is shared by all and being so many minority groups of which I am not part of, almost everyone seems to have their own unique culture as well, except me.

As I am growing older, talking to other “white folks” and perhaps, from reading more, I’m beginning to see that I do have my own culture not shared by others that is unique to my family and roots. I have not explored it but in the passing of my maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather, I have decided to do so.

I was sitting on my bed, reading Fifth Business by Robertson Davies and, because I can’t do anything in pure silence for long periods of time and having to read the entire book by, hopefully, 4 or 5 o’clock today, now being 2, I was listening to music from the cable-satellite channels. If I listen to music while reading, it has to fit the genre of the reading material so as not to jar me out of concentration. Obviously for this novel, I could not be listening to zen meditation or to top 40 crap. I tried to spa channel which is just soft music but nothing good was on. The nature channel had some sort of African chanting going on so I finally rested on “Swinging Standards”. It seemed appropriate. It consists of music from WWII era. Although the novel takes place in WWI era, I don’t see too much difference in the music of those times. I was listening and reading when “Dancing in the Dark” came on. Immediately into my head popped a vision of my granny and grandpa’s old living room with their archaic transistor of chrome with many dials and gauges. It was what I call a friendly room. Friendly rooms are generally characterized by the feeling they evoke in me almost always directly linked to the quality of light. My grandparents had a very large picture window in the living room and big, oversized furniture and lots of little tidbits and tchotchkes for a small girl to stare at for hours. It occurred to me within the last few bars of the song that I knew it. Maybe from my dad’s big band cds and perhaps even from my granfather’s old radio.

I always preach to people the importance of getting to know your family and history. I realize that, although I thought I did, I don’t really know my grandparents. I’d like to get to know them before it’s too late because once they are all gone, a part of me will be lost. I just don’t know how to go about doing it. 

Misconceptions of Depression

So, I told you I'd try to explain how depression has affected me....

Growing up I could tell that something "wasn't quite right". I've been told that all teenagers go through angst and bouts of depression. That's true. So I figured it comes with the territory, suck it up, and I'll just grow out of it.

I didn't grow out of it and from what my friends have said, looking back over those early years, what I went through was.... different. I'm assuming most girls have come home from school, gone straight to their room, and cried into their pillows for a couple hours or more but it seemed to be too frequent an occurrence in my teenage years and the difference was, I cried for no reason.

For those that don't know or fully understand, depression is an illness. There is a chemical in your brain called serotonin (I have no idea how to spell it though.) and no one knows how but it affects emotions. In people that have depression, there's a lack of this chemical.

When you think of someone who is depressed, you think of someone very very sad. That's not what it's like for me. Yeah, I'm sad sometimes. Probably more often than most people and not for any reason in particular sometimes. It's also anger, frustration, but most of all, lacking the ability to care about myself.

Today, at lunch, a friend of mine was telling me how upset she's been lately and in a joking manner said she thought she should probably have to go on anti-depressants. It won't take your sadness away. It's not like my emotions are so bad that some doctor thought. "Hey, that's enough. I'll give you these magic little pills and then you won't feel it anymore." The pain I go through is no worse that anyone else's. Everyone else just seems to be better at dealing with them. The anti-depressants put a bottom in my big black pit. I don't just laugh off my problems now. They're still there. I just don't think that they're going to crush me anymore. I've realized I'm a lot stronger than I thought. I was thinking about the worst things in my life that could happen to me and I think I'd still be okay. I definitely be devastated but I was given a good sense of humour to pull me through almost anything. Sadness won't kill you.... it just puts a damper on living.

I'm just having a hard time with my life right now. A lot of people have asked me why that is. I have a great relationship with my boyfriend, people around me who love me, and new place to live that I really like, intelligence, fairly good health (considering how I treat myself), talents, etc....

I have these things I want in my life and the fact that I don't have EVERYTHING out of life I want RIGHT NOW makes me upset. I don't have a career that I love. I don't eat well or exercise at all. I am not married with kids in a big house and all the best stuff. My family is not as close with me as I'd like. Blah blah blah. I just want to be happy with what I have and I don't know how to be.

I heard or read once that you'll never be happy if you aren't happy with now. If you're always looking towards the future, you'll never be satisfied. People always say, if only I had whatever, I'd be happy. That's my life.

As the cutest geek ever, Garth Algar said, "Live in the now."

When you figure it out, let me know.

(originally posted to an unknown online journal) 

not ready to go to sleep yet

There are so many thought milling around in my tired brain. I haven't written on here for such a long time and when I was talking to Liz, she mentioned her online journal, so I became inspired to write.

Right now, my head feels fuzzy and dizzy, kind of like being drunk but unpleasant. It's my medication that I'm on now. I was on sertraline before (the common name for Zoloft) but I was switched to Effexor (spelling?) last time I was at the doctor to combat "sexual side effects" (which, by the way, switching hasn't made a lick of difference) and because it's stronger. I'm either going to switch back or increase the dosage. This dosage isn't taking care of the symptoms to my liking but I detest the side-affects. This buzz is the worst one. With the sertraline, if I missed a day or two, I'd feel this way but this new one is CRAZY! I usually take my pills at about 11:00pm. It's now almost 1:00. TWO HOURS and it's intense. It doesn't creep up on you either. As I wrote the last one, I was fine. It comes on like a bucket of water being thrown in your face. The only way to get rid of it is to take a pill and sleep it off. Luckily, that is precisely what I'm going to do in about ten minutes. Sometimes, this happens to me at work. That REALLY REALLY sucks! Have you ever been drunk at work? If so, you may know what it feels like. All I want to do is sit down and close my eyes but obviously I can't. I have to stand up, be alert, smile at and help customers, and most of all, not let customers and especially the people I work with know how I feel. It wouldn't be as big of a deal if I was a part time but I'm in a "role of authority" so there are certain things I CANNOT do (or I'll be in shit from my boss and manager). Some of those things are be in a bad mood, show when I'm sick, complain, etc. Of course I slip up but those times are the hardest. There's a period of time when switching types of medications or increasing or decreasing doses when I feel like this for upwards of a week. VERY DIFFICULT to get through it! I can't book off work for a week! I can't do any of these "bad things". And, I can't explain to anyone how my head feels because no one understands! It's very frustrating.

NEXT TIME --->

I'll tell you why I take anti-depressants, how I feel, and why no one understands how it feels and why I can't help myself.... if I can.

(originally posted to an unknown online journal) 

wohngsikneuih

So, you may be wondering what the name wohngsikneuih means. (Unless you can read pinyin and then you already know.) 

First of all, what is pinyin? ~ It's the phonetic spelling of Chinese. If you know anything about the Chinese language, you may know that it doesn't have an alphabet like English and many other languages. They use a collection of characters. For instance, there is a character for son and a character for daughter. One each. There are about 48,000 characters and when you start putting them together, they form terms. When you put the character of daughter followed by son together, it forms the character for the word "good". 子 + 女 = 好  (That came about because if you have a son and a daughter, that's good.) 

Yeah, anywho, back to the point.... By now you know that my name is Chinese. But still wondering what it says? 

Neuih is the female character, and in this case, "girl".

Wohngsik is "yellow". Hence, my name means YELLOWGIRL!

(originally posted to my geocities website - actual date unknown)