So, I told
you I'd try to explain how depression has affected me....
Growing up
I could tell that something "wasn't quite right". I've been told that
all teenagers go through angst and bouts of depression. That's true. So I
figured it comes with the territory, suck it up, and I'll just grow out of it.
I didn't
grow out of it and from what my friends have said, looking back over those
early years, what I went through was.... different. I'm assuming most girls
have come home from school, gone straight to their room, and cried into their
pillows for a couple hours or more but it seemed to be too frequent an occurrence
in my teenage years and the difference was, I cried for no reason.
For those
that don't know or fully understand, depression is an illness. There is a
chemical in your brain called serotonin (I have no idea how to spell it though.)
and no one knows how but it affects emotions. In people that have depression,
there's a lack of this chemical.
When you
think of someone who is depressed, you think of someone very very sad. That's
not what it's like for me. Yeah, I'm sad sometimes. Probably more often than
most people and not for any reason in particular sometimes. It's also anger,
frustration, but most of all, lacking the ability to care about myself.
Today, at
lunch, a friend of mine was telling me how upset she's been lately and in a
joking manner said she thought she should probably have to go on
anti-depressants. It won't take your sadness away. It's not like my emotions
are so bad that some doctor thought. "Hey, that's enough. I'll give you
these magic little pills and then you won't feel it anymore." The pain I
go through is no worse that anyone else's. Everyone else just seems to be
better at dealing with them. The anti-depressants put a bottom in my big black
pit. I don't just laugh off my problems now. They're still there. I just don't
think that they're going to crush me anymore. I've realized I'm a lot stronger
than I thought. I was thinking about the worst things in my life that could
happen to me and I think I'd still be okay. I definitely be devastated but I
was given a good sense of humour to pull me through almost anything. Sadness
won't kill you.... it just puts a damper on living.
I'm just
having a hard time with my life right now. A lot of people have asked me why
that is. I have a great relationship with my boyfriend, people around me who
love me, and new place to live that I really like, intelligence, fairly good
health (considering how I treat myself), talents, etc....
I have
these things I want in my life and the fact that I don't have EVERYTHING out of
life I want RIGHT NOW makes me
upset. I don't have a career that I love. I don't eat well or exercise at all.
I am not married with kids in a big house and all the best stuff. My family is
not as close with me as I'd like. Blah blah blah. I just want to be happy with
what I have and I don't know how to be.
I heard or
read once that you'll never be happy if you aren't happy with now. If you're
always looking towards the future, you'll never be satisfied. People always
say, if only I had whatever, I'd be happy. That's my life.
As the
cutest geek ever, Garth Algar said, "Live in the now."
When you
figure it out, let me know.
(originally posted to an unknown online journal)
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