Misconceptions of Depression

So, I told you I'd try to explain how depression has affected me....

Growing up I could tell that something "wasn't quite right". I've been told that all teenagers go through angst and bouts of depression. That's true. So I figured it comes with the territory, suck it up, and I'll just grow out of it.

I didn't grow out of it and from what my friends have said, looking back over those early years, what I went through was.... different. I'm assuming most girls have come home from school, gone straight to their room, and cried into their pillows for a couple hours or more but it seemed to be too frequent an occurrence in my teenage years and the difference was, I cried for no reason.

For those that don't know or fully understand, depression is an illness. There is a chemical in your brain called serotonin (I have no idea how to spell it though.) and no one knows how but it affects emotions. In people that have depression, there's a lack of this chemical.

When you think of someone who is depressed, you think of someone very very sad. That's not what it's like for me. Yeah, I'm sad sometimes. Probably more often than most people and not for any reason in particular sometimes. It's also anger, frustration, but most of all, lacking the ability to care about myself.

Today, at lunch, a friend of mine was telling me how upset she's been lately and in a joking manner said she thought she should probably have to go on anti-depressants. It won't take your sadness away. It's not like my emotions are so bad that some doctor thought. "Hey, that's enough. I'll give you these magic little pills and then you won't feel it anymore." The pain I go through is no worse that anyone else's. Everyone else just seems to be better at dealing with them. The anti-depressants put a bottom in my big black pit. I don't just laugh off my problems now. They're still there. I just don't think that they're going to crush me anymore. I've realized I'm a lot stronger than I thought. I was thinking about the worst things in my life that could happen to me and I think I'd still be okay. I definitely be devastated but I was given a good sense of humour to pull me through almost anything. Sadness won't kill you.... it just puts a damper on living.

I'm just having a hard time with my life right now. A lot of people have asked me why that is. I have a great relationship with my boyfriend, people around me who love me, and new place to live that I really like, intelligence, fairly good health (considering how I treat myself), talents, etc....

I have these things I want in my life and the fact that I don't have EVERYTHING out of life I want RIGHT NOW makes me upset. I don't have a career that I love. I don't eat well or exercise at all. I am not married with kids in a big house and all the best stuff. My family is not as close with me as I'd like. Blah blah blah. I just want to be happy with what I have and I don't know how to be.

I heard or read once that you'll never be happy if you aren't happy with now. If you're always looking towards the future, you'll never be satisfied. People always say, if only I had whatever, I'd be happy. That's my life.

As the cutest geek ever, Garth Algar said, "Live in the now."

When you figure it out, let me know.

(originally posted to an unknown online journal) 

not ready to go to sleep yet

There are so many thought milling around in my tired brain. I haven't written on here for such a long time and when I was talking to Liz, she mentioned her online journal, so I became inspired to write.

Right now, my head feels fuzzy and dizzy, kind of like being drunk but unpleasant. It's my medication that I'm on now. I was on sertraline before (the common name for Zoloft) but I was switched to Effexor (spelling?) last time I was at the doctor to combat "sexual side effects" (which, by the way, switching hasn't made a lick of difference) and because it's stronger. I'm either going to switch back or increase the dosage. This dosage isn't taking care of the symptoms to my liking but I detest the side-affects. This buzz is the worst one. With the sertraline, if I missed a day or two, I'd feel this way but this new one is CRAZY! I usually take my pills at about 11:00pm. It's now almost 1:00. TWO HOURS and it's intense. It doesn't creep up on you either. As I wrote the last one, I was fine. It comes on like a bucket of water being thrown in your face. The only way to get rid of it is to take a pill and sleep it off. Luckily, that is precisely what I'm going to do in about ten minutes. Sometimes, this happens to me at work. That REALLY REALLY sucks! Have you ever been drunk at work? If so, you may know what it feels like. All I want to do is sit down and close my eyes but obviously I can't. I have to stand up, be alert, smile at and help customers, and most of all, not let customers and especially the people I work with know how I feel. It wouldn't be as big of a deal if I was a part time but I'm in a "role of authority" so there are certain things I CANNOT do (or I'll be in shit from my boss and manager). Some of those things are be in a bad mood, show when I'm sick, complain, etc. Of course I slip up but those times are the hardest. There's a period of time when switching types of medications or increasing or decreasing doses when I feel like this for upwards of a week. VERY DIFFICULT to get through it! I can't book off work for a week! I can't do any of these "bad things". And, I can't explain to anyone how my head feels because no one understands! It's very frustrating.

NEXT TIME --->

I'll tell you why I take anti-depressants, how I feel, and why no one understands how it feels and why I can't help myself.... if I can.

(originally posted to an unknown online journal) 

wohngsikneuih

So, you may be wondering what the name wohngsikneuih means. (Unless you can read pinyin and then you already know.) 

First of all, what is pinyin? ~ It's the phonetic spelling of Chinese. If you know anything about the Chinese language, you may know that it doesn't have an alphabet like English and many other languages. They use a collection of characters. For instance, there is a character for son and a character for daughter. One each. There are about 48,000 characters and when you start putting them together, they form terms. When you put the character of daughter followed by son together, it forms the character for the word "good". 子 + 女 = 好  (That came about because if you have a son and a daughter, that's good.) 

Yeah, anywho, back to the point.... By now you know that my name is Chinese. But still wondering what it says? 

Neuih is the female character, and in this case, "girl".

Wohngsik is "yellow". Hence, my name means YELLOWGIRL!

(originally posted to my geocities website - actual date unknown) 

likes and dislikes

My Favourites:
colour ~ cobalt blue
food ~ Scoop Noodles n' Cheese, plain no-bake cheesecake, chocolate
song ~ Say You'll Stay by Kai
movies ~ House of Flying Daggers, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, You've Got Mail, When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle
animal ~ panda bear
smell ~ clean (shampoo, laundry, cologne, etc.)
salad ~ oriental salad-in-a-bag
cookie ~ my mom's chocolate chip
ice cream ~ chocolate chip cookie dough, mint chocolate chip
cartoon character ~ Astroboy, Betty Boop
tv show ~ .F.R.I.E.N.D.S.!!!!!!!!
book ~ Memoirs of a Geisha, Miss One Thousand Spring Blossoms
number ~ 8
day of the week ~ Thursday
article of clothing ~ Levi's dark worn junior slim flares
cd ~ Solitudes Nature's Spa Zen
singer/band ~ Weezer, Green Day

My Not-So-Favourites:
food ~ liver, mushrooms, anything slimey
song ~ anything by Phil Collins or REM
movie ~ Lake Placid, She's So Lovely, the Twilight of the Ice Nymphs
animal ~ spider
smell ~ gas stations, exhaust, public transit, people who are crazy and haven't showered for a long time
day of the week ~ Sunday
word ~ any slang for the female body, bad grammar
book ~ 1984 by George Orwell
singer/band ~ Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson

(originally posted to my geocities website - actual date unknown) 

Anime~

There are a lot of people out there who are REALLY into anime, as it's known to fans, commonly known as japanamation. It has quite a cult following ~ like Star Trek, and Doom, etc. SO, the people who are into anime are generally geeks! Fitting…

I've been getting into more anime lately. Of course the classics like Transformers and Astroboy have always been in my life but because of my interest in asian things (*yeah, yeah, we know*) I started with Miyazaki's Spirited Away.

I LOVED it so I checked out Princess Mononoke, Castle in the Sky, and Kiki's Delivery Service by him as well. A new one called The Cat Returns came out yesterday. I hope Jay gets it for me cause I'm broke. 

While acquiring those, some others caught my eye from their front cover art.

I rented Serial Experiments Lain (vol. 1) from Blockbuster and thought it was pretty cool so I ended up buying the whole series.

In Japan, animated mini-series are constantly being put on tv. If they're good, and sometimes if they're not, they're released on dvd for all us geeks.

I also picked up one that has always interested me. Kai Doh Maru, animated to look like old Japanese art and takes place in the Heian period (old Japan). It's kind of weird. The story line is vague, kind of like a dream. Most anime is like that, I find.

Liz says her favourite is Hellsing. I haven't seen anything from that series yet. It looks scary so I'll leave it until I've watched all the ones I'm intrigued with first.

For Christmas, Jay gave me the Teknolyze series and the world-famous, and credited as giving anime it's fame, Akira movie. DTS Japanese version, no less.

There are a couple more series I have my eye on but can't afford at the moment. The Last Exile, Kino's Journey, and Samurai-X.

(originally posted to my geocities website - actual date unknown) 

is bald beautiful?

This is a picture of actress Bai Ling at a premiere of Wild Wild West right after filming "Anna and the King" in which she plays Tuptim, a concubine who runs away and hides as a buddhist monk. I think she's the most beautiful bald woman I've ever seen.

Another woman who pulls off being bald really well is supermodel Eve Slavail, known for the dragon tattoo on the back of her head. She's been in quite a few movies including "The Fifth Element". She's more interesting than beautiful.

 

  

I'm a fan of being unique and there's only so many things you can do with hair. I've always thought bald women looked like art.

I saw a show once about the 10 Most Deadly Martial Arts and Shoalin Kungfu was number one, I believe. A girl who was really into it that they showed was bald. I thought she was cool.

 I always tell my boyfriend that I'd like to shave my head someday, just to see what it looks like. He's not a supporter of that idea. (He pretty much said "bald or me".) I wonder if I could pull it off. I think I have a nicely shaped head. It might work! I tell my friends that if my boyfriend and I ever break up, the first thing I'm going to do is shave my head and move to Japan.

 But never fear Jay... as long as I have this nose, I don't want to bring any more attention to it!

(originally posted to my geocities website - actual date unknown) 

dreams~*

One of my life-long dreams is to travel to east Asia. I've wanted to see Japan, Hong Kong, China, and Korea for a long time. I figure the best way to do it (so that I can stay for more than a week!) would be to go to teach English. I know (of) people who've done it (or are doing it) and you can make a crap-load of money. Plus I have a nice speaking voice! Who wouldn't hire me?! Actually, not too many people at the moment because, from what I've heard, you have to have a university degree to teach English in a foreign country. You need a Bachelor's to obtain a working visa and it's illegal to work without one. I've HEARD that I could still be hired but it seems too shady. I'd be too scared. Plus, if found out, you could be deported.

Did you ever see the show English Teachers on Life Network? The only thing that really scares me about doing this is the bugs!

Being in a relationship makes it a lot harder to make the descision to go. You're not just considering your own feelings but that of someone else as well. I won't go if Jay doesn't want me to but I'm hoping if and when the time comes, he'll be supportive.

These are a few sites I found:

www.jobsinjapan.com

www.teachinginjapan.com

EscapeArtist

theJET program

moreinfo and links for JET

infoabout visas in Japan

Englishteachers needed in Hong Kong

(originally posted to my geocities website - actual date unknown) 

~NOSE JOB~

Those of you who know me well, know that I hate my nose and always have. A few of you, crazy as I might think you are, say you like it (?!) and that I shouldn't change it. Well, it's my nose, not yours! I want it changed.

I often say to people that I'd rather have an "asian" (specifically Korean) nose, with no bridge, flatter top,  and wider at the bottom but realistically to do that I'd have to have major facial reconstruction for it to look normal on my face. My cheek bones would have to be moved outwards, my forehead pushed back, my eye crease removed, and my lips thickened. I think it would just be easier to be reborn an asian girl!!

Seriously though, I would like to have a nose job done at some point. I could easily save up the money and do it. What's stopping me? Have you ever seen any of those shows on tv like TLC's "A Personal Story" or Life Network's "Skin Deep" when they've documented rhinoplasty operations? IT'S GROSS! It looks so painful and when I even think about the scraping and the tools they use and things going up my nose all the way to my forehead, I feel sick to my stomach.

I may actually get around to it though. I've wanted to change my nose for as long as I can remember. Just look at it! Wouldn't you? My mom says it gives me "character". (And so do my crooked teeth that I'm also going to fix someday.) I figure I have enough character with my other flaws.

I've looked up several websites with information about the surgery. (The first one has really interesting before and after pictures.) I'll do more research for surgeons in this area later when I'm a little more serious about going ahead with it.

my rhinoplasty links:

www.aboutrhinoplasty.com 

www.rhinoplast4you.com

www.plasticsurgery.org

www.facial-plastic-surgery.org

Surgery I would have would be most similar to this girl's.

(originally posted to my geocities website - actual date unknown) 

cosmetic surgery

The start of my rant for the day is how I feel about Blepharoplasty, or the cut of the eyelid to create "the crease". If you aren't familiar with this type of cosmetic surgery, it's usually, from what I've heard (although I'm no expert), asian women who want their eyes to be more like "white eyes". Personally, I think this is the worst surgery anyone could ever do. In fact, I want the opposite. I always tell my asian friends that I envy there smooth, perfect eyelids and which mine were more like that instead of the sunken hollows my eyes are placed in. Of course, mostly everyone wants to look the opposite of how they do. If you have curly hair, you want straight (ie.). It just makes me think of the thousands of asian girls who are becoming more and more "westernized". It makes me sad. What if, one day, the cultural customs and differences that I love so much, are gone and we're all the same, all over the world. I want to go to the countries and yell at them. "This is what makes you who you are. don't lose it!" I still remember a friend making fun of me when she saw how into asian culture I was saying, "you have no culture of your own so you just have to steal ours". Of course she was joking but I will never forget it. What is it to be white anyway? I DON'T have my own culture. I always hear of people complaining when someone asks "Where are you from?" The politically correct question being "what is your background or ethnicity?" and they answer Canada or something smart-assed like that. When people ask me what my background is, what do I say? What can I say other than "Canadian" or "white". I used to lie to people in younger years. They'd hear my last name and ask me what it was. I gave out German, Dutch, whatever. Of course now I'm going to tell the truth. I say I'm a British Mutt (mixture of English, etc.) I really don't even know how correct that is though. As far as I know, both sides of my family have been in Canada since the pioneer days. Who knows where from before? Middle eastern Europe, I guess. So, yeah.... I have no culture that is mine alone. At times, I feel very left out or like I've been ripped off in the cultural lottery. Almost all of my friends and even my boyfriend, to some degree, have the same culture as me AND this separate thing that they have at home. My boyfriend is Chinese. My good friend Geena is Korean. I have "brown" firiends, filipino friends, native friends, black friends, etc. Even most of my white friends have their own. Jeannie and Courtney are Ukrainian. All of these backgrounds come with traditions different from the ones we share. Different foods, different traditions and customs. No fair!
Which brings me to racism. You hear people complain all the time about what they endure because of being a minority. I have probably had more racism directed towards me because I'm a typical white girl. I've never met these people before but they hate me because, in their eyes, I think I'm better than they are. The opposite is true. I would love to switch.
I guess this all comes from my desperate, lifelong desire to be "different".
BUT ~As John Lennon said, "there's nothing that can be done that hasn't been done before".

For another side of the things I've mentioned head to alllooksame.com and read what this girl has to say. It's very interesting (and well written unlike my non-sequatorial jumble).

(originally posted to my geocities website) 

~My New Home~

We move in on the 11th. I am so happy.
Of course it'll be a little scary but I think I'm ready for it. I've never lived with a boy before! I hate telling people I'm moving in with my boyfriend though. Don't get me wrong..... Here, allow me to explain my view.
I was brought up in a Christian home that told us "living in sin" is.... (redundant!) Anywho, have no fear fellow sinners, I don't agree with it as a policy BUT I do agree with the fundamental idea which is, to my knowledge, living with someone 24/7 that you're *sharing the same bed with* (SORRY MUM!) isn't a great idea unless it's a long term (ie. forever) commitment. Several reasons why. The first and most obvious being the breakup sucks. You have to move as well as lose the person who is closest to you (if your relationship is a good one). Too much emotional upheaval. (Did I spell that correctly?) There are other reasons.... security, stability, etc.
My boyfriend and I talked way in the beginning of our relationship. Of course. We had to.... I lived in Winnipeg, he lived in Edmonton..... what else were we to do? I told him I never wanted to move in with someone unless we were eventually going to get married. Nothing has changed.
Which brings me back to what I said. I don't want to tell people I'm moving in with my boyfriend not because I don't want people to know I'm "shackin' up" but because as soon as they here the word boyfriend, they assume we have the same relationship most girls have with their boyfriends at my age. Which is fine. I don't think badly of anyone who has "that" relationship and I'm not trying to say we're better than that. For my standards for myself, morally and ethically, not to be pious and righteous but to preserve my already very unstable, rocky emotional health, I don't want anyone to think I'm just casually living with some guy I find nice at the time and will eventually leave and move one with my life, only to move in with someone new. (Holy.... me and my run-ons.)
To sum up, I don't like calling him my boyfriend. There only seems to be 3 things you can call a guy in your life. Boyfriend, fiancé, or husband. To me, he's none of these things. Technically, no, we aren't engaged (just waitin' on the rock!) but "boyfriend" doesn't give our relationship the "oomph" is deserves. I'd rather be telling people I'm moving in with my fiancé.... but I don't have one.
Yep, I've rambled on enough about that.
So, everything except the dining set is purchased. I'm ready. Just gotta pack up a few more tidbits and I'm out!
It's going to be so good to have a place to call home finally! I've been feeling homeless since I moved out of my parent's house in St. George. Most people, when they leave home for school or whatever, they can go back to their parents to feel at home. My parents moved 2 days after I did! Then I had "a home base" as my mom calls it at my friend, Tara's parents place that I could go to at Christmas and other times when I needed to have a home to go to. They moved in June. My parents now live so far away and have their new house I never lived in . Apartments aren't homes but only temporary living spaces. NOW, I'm going home. It'll be great!
I'll fill you in.... (I'm sure you can't wait!)

(originally posted to my geocities website - exact date unknown) 

moving

My boyfriend has bought us a place to live!! It was finalized today. He's on the phone with the bank people right now working out the financing details.
It's right across the street from where I work. A condo apartment on the 2nd floor with 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, living/dining room, kitchen w/ laundry, and solarium/sun room. The building has a pool, tennis courts, saunas, exercise room. etc. It's probably about 10 years old.
The deed is in his name of course but I will pay too. I'm excited... We move in on April 11th!! We already have paint colours picked out.
Our bedroom is going to be monochromatic shades of bluey-purple (Behr 4F2 "Sweet Surprise" and 4F3 "Blueberry Kiss"), conducive for sleeping. It has a window on one wall and the bathroom and walk-in closet are on the opposite wall.
The living room, which has parquet floors, is going to remain the creamy colour that it is right now except in the corner (it's an L-shaped room) we're going to a feature wall in red (Behr 30A3 "Gardening"). We plan to have a black leather couch and silver wide screen tv, speakers, and shelving. I'm hoping to get a couple of potted plants and trees.
I haven't decided what to do with the sun room yet I need to have a space where I can do my makeup in natural lighting so I may set it up in there. At least it will be out of the way.
Since we have two bathrooms, we have two different themes all ready to go. The guest bathroom which has a shower stall is going to be the periwinkle bathroom with all the same colour of accessories. Our ensuite bathroom will be turquoise and bright yellow with the accessories that are clear with ducking swimming inside. (I'm not sure if you've ever seen them but they're SO cute!)
The kitchen is teeny but clean. The person we bought it from kept things really well and he had recently upgraded all the appliances. There is a stacking washer dryer just off the kitchen. The counter tops are a mottled red brick colour. We're eventually going to replace the kitchen cabinets because they're a little small but it will do until we can same up more money to do it properly. He wants custom made cabinets in a wood finish from Ikea but I want to build them from MDF myself and paint them to match. Yup, we'll see!
We're going to use the second room as an office/den. We need a place for the computer and he wants a display area for all his sports collectibles. We won't be painting it just yet. We need to buy a desk for the computer with a good chair too. It'll be expensive. All our cds, movies, dvds, etc, we'll be in there also so much of the wall will be bookshelf and other storage.
When we get in there, I'll take some pictures so you can see it.
I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy!!!!!!!! FINALLY!

(originally posted to my geocities website - exact date unknown)