Lost and Found

a playlist by kmah88~  

awhile ago (probably like 6 months or more), a few friends and i were talking about music and playlists and how they affect our emotions and blah blah blah. this was when i was on my whole oprah kick and inspiration and all that crap was one of my main focuses. i took on the personal challenge of making a playlist that summed up how i feel about life and where i am, spiritually speaking. at first, it was just going to be a list of "inspirational music" - that stuff that pumps you up when you need a kick, but as with most things, it turned into a more self-reflective thing. (i did actually make that playlist too, but it's only narrowed down to 121 songs atm.)
i was speaking to another friend the other day and was saying how i think a lot of people think i'm still where i was a few years ago. truth is, i feel like i've grown a little (even though just saying that makes me feel like i have a lot of maturing left to do) and "i'm okay". 
i've battled depression for many years and all the dark thoughts that come along with that, and even with the bad days that are still in abundance, i feel like i'm much better equipped at dealing with them and have learned a little about how to appreciate good things in life. i have even experienced momentary feelings of actual joy here and there. that's a plus. but the best part about that is that i KNOW those moments are fleeting and i have learned to just take them in, experience them, fully feel them, and because i know they come and go, i don't fear anymore that they are short-lived. they will fall away again but i know they will come back. and equally, the bad feelings will do the same. so, there's that.

and here it is~

the LOST AND FOUND playlist

in this specific order, it sort of shows the evolution of my emotions through the past few years. starts out sort of dark, lost, apathetic, etc. and gets a little more hopeful and maybe a little less self-absorbed/more looking to something deeper as it goes. (i'm already fully aware how lame it is, trying to put it into words, so don't laugh at me to much.)

1. elliott smith – between the bars

“with the things you could do

you won't but you might

the potential you'll be

that you'll never see
the promises you'll only make”

not living up to potential, empty, broken promises, ignoring it all and pushing it all off until 'later'.... yeah. story of my life

2. bobby long – a passing tale

“i'm lost to this world and i don't know why…

…and i've kinda hit the floor
i'm reaching for something more”

those lyrics specifically sum up how lost i feel sometimes, as bobby tends to do (even if he didn't mean it that way)

3. massive attack (feat. elizabeth fraser) – teardrop

“you're stumbling a little
you're stumbling a little”

for this one, it's more about the music itself. the pulse, like a heartbeat on life support...

4. muse – save me

“hold me 'cause i'm sure i'm hated

promises, they are overrated
wait just a while
while i'm drowning in denial”

sometimes you want someone to bring you out of yourself and save you. 

5. evanescence – bring me to life

“i've been sleeping a thousand years it seems

got to open my eyes to everything

without thought, without voice, without a soul

don't let me die here

there must be something more

bring me to life
…save me from the nothing i’ve become”

this song has been my anthem. i felt that i was dead inside and often describe a good chunk of my life as like being in an emotional coma.

6. queen – the show must go on

“the show must go on, yeah

inside my heart is breaking

my makeup may be flaking
but my smile still stays on”

 
the lyrics say a lot, but so does the music. it's like an apathetic look at continuing to live through pain. you go on because you have to.

7. sia – chandelier

“help me, i'm holding on for dear life

won't look down, won't open my eyes

keep my glass full until morning light
'cause i'm just holding on for tonight”

i think that's pretty self-explanatory...

8. muse – butterflies & hurricanes

“don't let yourself down

don't let yourself go

your last chance has arrived…
…your time is now”

fight or die, basically.

9. india.arie – get it together

“and now your chest burns and your back aches

from fifteen years of holding the pain

and now you only have yourself to blame
if you continue to live this way”

this one IS one of those inspirational songs. it's uplifting but also a kick in the ass.

10. avril lavigne – everybody hurts

“everybody hurts some days

it's okay to be afraid

everybody hurt
everybody screams

everybody feels this way

and it's okay
it's okay”

i used to say that it didn't make me feel better to say "i'm not the only one" ~ just because someone else might feel the same as i do, it doesn't lessen MY pain... but i've come to realize it DOES help that someone can understand. 

11. jimmy eat world – the middle

“live right now

yeah, just be yourself
it doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else”

this has been one of my biggest struggles ~ learning not to worry about what other people think and knowing that, as i am right now, i'm enough. also, the ride isn't over yet...

12. christina perri – human

“i bleed when i fall down

i'm only human
and i crash and i break down”

it's rather comforting to accept being human. perfection is not attainable or expected.

13. r. kelly – the storm is over
“i can see the sunshine

somewhere beyond the clouds”

sometimes, a little cheese is okay. ;)
i would like to think - i HOPE - the darkest parts are behind me.

14. kelly clarkson – stronger
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

...if you let it. 
this one is more about the music. it makes me wanna dance.

15. frightened rabbit – not miserable

“i'm not miserable now

no one knows

no one knows
i'm not miserable”

the first time i heard this song, i just thought 'yes'. (thanks, jenn!)

16. johnny mercer (feat. the pied pipers) –  ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive

“accentuate the positive

eliminate the negative
latch on to the affirmative”

words to live by. i believe more strongly in the law of attraction than anything else.

17. new radicals – you get what you give

“don't give up
you've got a reason to live”

another uplifting one with another message i agree with ~ you only get out of life what you put into it.

18. whitney houston – i didn’t know my own strength

“found hope in my heart

i found the light to light my way out of the dark

found all that i need here inside of me

oh, i thought i'd never find my way

i thought i'd never lift that weight

i thought i would break

i didn't know my own strength

and i crashed down and i tumbled
but i did not crumble

i got through all the pain
i didn't know my own strength”

another self-explanatory one.

19. weezer (feat. hayley williams) – rainbow connection

“i've heard it too many times to ignore it

it's something that i'm supposed to be

someday we'll find it

the rainbow connection
the lovers, the dreamers, and me”

tapping into that part of me that recognizes something deeper, even if i can't quite grasp what it is yet.

20. iz kamakawiwo'ole – somewhere over the rainbow

“and the dreams that you dare to dream
really do come true”

this version specifically because he sings it in such a wistful, carefree way. like he's already there rather than waiting for it.

music and self-image

i have a lot of friends who are really into music. like, REALLY into music. often saying things like, "music is my life" and "i couldn't survive without music". i like music, but when i heard stuff like that, i thought, "wow. that's hardcore. those people are so cool." (and they are!) but, until recently, i didn't really acknowledge what a big part of my life music was. i just assumed i like music, just like the next person. doesn't everyone listen to music all day long and get all the feels when a good song touches them? hmmmm... i guess not.
i was speaking to a good friend i've known for many years and i was telling her about these other friends i have that i look up to and think are so great and how they are so into music and stuff. she said that it makes sense that we are friends then. i was confused by her statement.
she went on to explain that i've always been really into music and that i always seem to be listening to something and that i know the stuff i know better than anyone. this made me stop and think. two things~
she sees me in a way i've never thought about myself. that fleeting conversation was eye-opening. it made me go on to think about self-image and how others see you and how they don't often match up with how you view yourself. of course we all adapt how we put ourselves out there based on who we're with. (like, you're going to act differently with kids than with adults, at your job than out with your friends, etc.) it's not being inauthentic or putting on masks or hiding anything. it's just human nature. it's the many different sides of yourself. so it seems only natural that various people are going to have varying perceptions of who you are. you're never the exact same person to more than one person. it's fascinating to me to be able to get a glimpse of how other people see me. to my friend, one of the things that stands out to her is that i am a music lover. this is one of the qualities that comes to her mind when she thinks of me. i was stunned to find that out.
the other thing that i thought about was what being a "music lover" actually means and why i didn't classify myself as that before. it should be simple, right? a lover of music loves music. but i sometimes place unreasonable expectations on things, especially on myself. i would have denied being "cool" like my music-loving friends based on some pretty stupid criteria. if you were to turn on the radio right now and listen for half an hour, i may know one or two songs out of the entire set. i don't keep up with what's popular. i feel "out of the loop" most of the time. there are also standards or classics that seemingly everyone knows that i have no clue about. i was raised by a mother who did not listen to music other than at church and a father who only listened to his selected genre (the beatles and other music from that time). i had no one to teach me these things. so, how could i possibly be one of those cool people? i am not constantly sourcing out new artists and songs. i tend to fall into music ruts and sit and listen to one or two artists for months at a time. so the songs i know, i know really, really well. if i really like an artist/band, i will hoard everything i can. so i'm not someone who "knows everything". my music knowledge is sparse and full of holes.
but, back to the being a music lover thing, i do LOVE music. i love that it can express anything you need to communicate. there's that saying "where words fail, music speaks" (or something like that). there is something for every mood. most of the time, i have music playing in the background even if i'm not paying any attention to it. i use music to wake up and i use it to fall asleep. then there are the times when i just sit and listen to actually hear it and connect to it.
sometimes i listen to the lyrics and that's what grabs me. i can relate to or imagine what it feels like to experience what is being sung. other times, i don't pay any attention to what is actually being said but the melody or harmonies or beat or something about the instrumentation is striking. music can make me feel sad, can lift me up, excite me, calm me down. it can heighten an existing mood or completely turn it around.
i like that music hold memories too. i'm sure it's like that for anyone. you hear a certain song and are instantly transported back to a moment or period in your life. you remember how you felt and what you thought. or you associate certain songs with particular people. music can wrap you in a hug or slap you in the face. it's so powerful. it's bizarre to me that it's not like this for everyone. i can't really wrap my head around life without music.

~
later addition: when i reread this before posting it, the part about different sides of yourself made me laugh. i was thinking there are those different aspects that you show at different times, all of which are a part of you, but that you can't be "whole" at one particular time. and then, like i often do, i was reminded of a song (hence the ironic laughter). lenka's "everything at once". it's about precisely that. being all parts of you at once.
funny how music does that. just an errant thought and all of a sudden a song pops in your head to complement it.
or have you ever been having a conversation with someone and they say a particular string of words that just happen to be song lyrics (usually not having anything at all to do with the content of the conversation) and then you're off singing in your head and totally miss what that the person is even saying? or spontaneously broken into song, just like in a musical, when something triggers a song in your head?
*sigh* did i mention i love music?

some of my favourite songs

i made this for day 54 of the #100happydays challenge (i'll probably post something more about that later...) and it took me, no joke, 21 hours. do you know how hard it was for me to narrow my favourite songs down? originally, i had planned to do 16 so you could at least read the titles. yeah, that was impossible. and this list is no where near comprehensive. i love music. enough said about that.
here are the 64 i ended up with (after painstakingly reducing it from 103. it hurt me to do it too.) in no particular order... (as pictured, but that order doesn't mean anything ranking wise. i just tried to group like pieces together.)

weezer - always

dear screaming - brackets

rob pattinson - it's all on you

bobby long - this strange love

we the kings feat. demi lovato - we'll be a dream

my chemical romance - i'm not okay (i promise)

bobby long & marcus foster - crooked sky

glen hansard & marketa irglova - if you want me

green day - don't leave me

muse - unintended

marcus foster - worn down by time

sam bradley - whisky

michael bernard fitzgerald - human

OK go - last leaf

ella fitzgerald - it don't mean a thing (if it ain't got that swing)

aron wright - song for the waiting

alexandre desplat - new moon (the meadow)

mozart - piano concerto no. 16 in c major

etro anime - summer rain

evanescene - bring me to life 

toni braxton -un-break my heart

aaliyah - at your best (you are love)

p!nk - please don't leave me

christina aguilera - i turn to you

yiruma - river flows in you

beethoven - moonlight sonata

sergio mendes feat. india.arie - timeless

ingrid michaelson - morning lullabies

monica - for you, i will

janet jackson - again

mariah carey - without you

no doubt - don't speak

coco lee - a love before time

double you - shiroi iro wa koibito no iro

charlotte church feat. josh groban - the prayer

josie and the pussycats - you don't see me

kp & envyi - shortie swing my way

2 rude feat. latoya & miranda - thinkin' about you

neneh cherry - buffalo stance

wham! - freedom

akb48 - aitakatta

leon lai - sausalito (cantonese version)

kirsten dunst - dream of me

lea salonga - reflection

tammy wynette - stand by your man

dixie chicks - i'll take care of you

peter schilling - major tom

whitney houston - i wanna dance with somebody (who loves me)

the beatles - revolution

queen - bohemian rhapsody

arabella hong - love, look away

mark lester - where is love

usher - you'll be in my heart

ginuwine - pony

richard marx - now and forever

b.v.s.m.p. - i need you

extreme - more than words

bon jovi - i'll be there for you

stockard channing - there are worse things i could do

donny osmond - close every door

drop n' harmony - anything

boyz ii men - it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

michael jackson - you are not alone

michael bublé - everything

also, i should maybe mention i used a lot of my favourite artists and went with one song from each.
various songs are considered my favourites for various reasons. sometimes it's the lyrics, sometimes the music, sometimes the vocal harmonies. and sometimes it's more the memories attached to them.