challenge

a few months ago, someone tagged me in a photo challenge thing on facebook. mutual friends were also tagged and, in turn, tagged me in theirs. within a week, five people had challenged me to the same thing.

it's seemingly pretty simple. post five pictures of yourself that make you feel beautiful.

simple.... unless you are me.

now, i love challenges. i also like groupings, and themes, and organizing. so i wanted to do it. but...

i hate myself.

dramatic? perhaps. but 100% true. christian grey has nothing on me.

my first (and second and third, etc.) reaction to this challenge was "too bad. impossible."  no such pictures exist. i couldn't even pick ONE picture where i felt beautiful. because that never happens. i see myself as ugly.

beauty, to me, entails a level of perfection. i am soooooo far from perfect. when i look in the mirror, all i see is flaws. it's sad. and it hurts. i'm not pretty. most of the time, i think i shouldn't even show myself in public.

but here i am, months later feeling ...off... because i didn't accept/complete this challenge. in fact, i ignored each and every post. no explanation as to why. (i'm just a jerk that never responds to anything on fb.) i didn't want to tell them my reason because i didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me or try to tell me otherwise. i am not one to say something negative about myself as a way of fishing for compliments. compliments actually make me very uncomfortable. (very odd for a praise junkie. but that's all about achievement - things i've done. not looks or personality. unless you tell me i'm funny. i love hearing that. ...but only if it's true. lol.)

but how pathetic that i can't find just five pictures of myself that i like.

since i feel i can't actually complete this challenge as it was posed but have that lingering feeling of unease for having left it, i'm going to do the closest thing i can. five pictures to post on fb where i feel "socially acceptable". (i was almost going to say 'comfortable', but even that leaves room to tear myself down for one reason or another. how can i feel comfortable when there are so many things to fix? *sigh* anyway...)

five pictures i don't hate. close as i can get. challenge accepted.